banana phone : take two

listening to : "when the pawn..." fiona apple and "in your honour" foo fighters

this is my second time writing this and so it won't be nearly as long as last time...

i guess life can be like that sometime. zuey told me to call her today at two but no one picked up no matter how long i took. and how much i called. i made called sporadically every fifteen or so minutes. and then at three thirty i got someone. her father. he sounded very annoyed and hostile, he always does.

he told me she was not home. he has lied to me before but i wanted to believe him. either way i’m boned because now i can’t call her for a while. he told me he’d have her call me back but the odds of that are very unlikely.

even if he feels so inclined to deliver the message she won’t call me back. i don’t know if this is how she is with everyone but she doesn’t call me back or call me first ever. only online will she reach me. sucks.

so it doesn’t matter if she’s still sleeping, out with her mum or friends or anything because i don’t know if i’ll get the chance to talk to her tonight. i just would love to see her again. i want to talk.

i know she just wants to have fun but i want to have the guts to bring up a serious conversation with her and i want her to have one back. i want us to grow deeper into each other. i want more reason to love her or not. i want to know who she really is since i can’t help giving her so much of me. i want to kiss her and for her to kiss back... and perhaps i’m asking too much ; but i want it to mean something. maybe i’m crazy? but surely i’m in love.


fiona apple
"love ridden"

love ridden, i've looked at you
with the focus i gave to my birthday candles
i've wished on the lidded blue flames
under your brow
and baby, i wished for you
nobody sees when you are lying in your bed
and i wanna crawl in with you
but i cry instead
i want your warm, but it will only make
me colder when it's over,
so i can't tonight, baby
no, not "baby" anymore - if i need you
i'll just use your simple name
only kisses on the cheek from now on
and in a little while, we'll only have to wave
my hand won't hold you down no more
the path is clear to follow through
i stood too long in the way of the door
and now i'm giving up on you
no, not "baby" anymore- if i need you
i'll just use your simple name
only kisses on the cheek from now on
and in a little while, we'll only have to wave
no, not "baby" anymore- if i need you
i'll just use your simple name
only kisses on the cheek from now on
and in a little while, we'll only have to wave

stayin' alive! [disco-style]

just a little update. so i am still really terrible but i am more stable. why? because i called zuey and talked to her on the phone for three minutes.

see... i knew all i needed was to talk to her. i didn’t even get to discuss anything really. the phone call itself went very poorly while i’m on the subject.

i called and asked to see her and she said she didn’t want to see me. i told her i was messed up because i could only talk to her about stuff and how since before she told me that anytime i *needed* her i could come to her.

but that was taken away. another change of her whim. i’m still learning to adapt to her whims. this is the second thing she told me that changed. the second deal that she doesn’t want to deal with.

also she told me she had spent too much time with me and didn’t want to hang out for a couple of days which could be months, who knows? and she also said that she was sorry but she couldn’t be more concerned about my issues. all of which involve her.

so like i said before, not even a good conversation or a good call where much of anything positive came out of it. just her voice and a confirmation that we weren’t completely fucked. that she wasn’t done with me forever.

but that and her voice and all the other little parts of the conversation were enough. it kept me enough in a state of calm... or not as completely miserable that i’m a bit better. i’m not physically shaking anymore and my internal sickness is a little more reasonable.

i was able to go to class and not be completely absent minded. i want so much from zuey but i only need so little. i guess it’s enough to be too much for her. oh well, what can i do?

i’m trying to deal. i’m trying to be ok. i can’t do this alone. but that isn’t wrong ; is it? oh well, i’m off. off to think about zuey some more no doubt. jeez, i can’t even look at my bedroom without mourning.

this is a conversation i just had on aim. i guess i thought there needed to be more to this post so i’m adding this...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
not me : we should play!

not me : wen im done

jonathan dipratna : mmm... not tonight.

not me : grr.....

jonathan dipratna : i'm nursing my depression.

jonathan dipratna : i don't feel like doing anything but crying.

jonathan dipratna : maybe cutting.

jonathan dipratna : but tthat's all.

not me : so nurse it with fantastic KILLING!

jonathan dipratna : no. cutting and crying.

not me : cutting? I thought you were better than that....

jonathan dipratna : mmm...

jonathan dipratna : i don't know.

jonathan dipratna : i'm getting worse.

jonathan dipratna : worse at life.

jonathan dipratna : worse at everything.

not me : I dont think so.....

jonathan dipratna : you don't see me when i'm alone. when i'm not being kinda fake.

jonathan dipratna : i'm a very sad person.

not me : you allways just kind of act like your self.....I mean you were going to tell your classmates that you have raped someone.

jonathan dipratna : they took it strangely.

jonathan dipratna : i didn't laugh..

not me : you did it...lol

jonathan dipratna : this girl sitting next to me just kinda looked at me funny.

jonathan dipratna : when i explained it was over.

jonathan dipratna : no one cared about me enough to mind if i raped someone or not.

not me : rofl lol stfu

jonathan dipratna : everyone believed that i stabbed someone.

jonathan dipratna : no one thought that was the lie.

jonathan dipratna : that made me feel odd.

not me : lots o people stab people

not me : epashaly if your mexican

not me : and your kinda mexican

not me : or latin

jonathan dipratna : yup. call me captain stabbing... robbing college girls of their anal virginity.

jonathan dipratna : and making them walk the plank.

not me : anal?

jonathan dipratna : yeah, you've never heard of captain stabbin'?

not me : yes i have

jonathan dipratna : http://www.captain-stabbing.com/

not me : see it

not me : n

jonathan dipratna : this is his mission statement,

not me : gotta love porn

jonathan dipratna : only suicide girls.

not me : lol

jonathan dipratna : ...grr.

not me : na

not me : what are you growling at

not me : ?

not me : ?

jonathan dipratna : nothing. never mind.

not me : i wish you wernt so sad......if theres anything i can youll let me know right?

jonathan dipratna : mmm... sulking is so selfish. so it's kinda a personal thing.

jonathan dipratna : also when it's about a person only that person can magically fix it.

jonathan dipratna : ummm... just hang out with me.

not me : sure

jonathan dipratna : when i'm busy i don't think too much about it and i'm fake and only when certain things come out that remind me of her so i freak.

jonathan dipratna : ...grr.

jonathan dipratna : yeah.

jonathan dipratna : it happens.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...ok well i’m gone for true this time. take care of yourself and be sure to talk to me if you want to be friends. i could use a chat. see you around, ta!!


the beatles
“all my loving”
close your eyes and i'll kiss you,
tomorrow i'll miss you;
remember i'll always be true.
and then while i'm away,
i'll write home ev'ry day,
and i'll send all my loving to you.
i'll pretend that i'm kissing
the lips i am missing
and hope that my dreams will come true.
and then while i'm away,
i'll write home ev'ry day,
and i'll send all my loving to you.
all my loving i will send to you.
all my loving, darling i'll be true.