birthday wish

listening to : “ghosts of tables and chairs” by citizens here & abroad

it’s my birthday. i have that no doubt song, “six feet under” stuck in my head. at least the chorus. so today has actually been really cool so far. perhaps i’m just setting myself up for a huge let down but we’ll see.

so i go to zuey’s house and i feel wonderful. floating on air. all that lot. when i’m not with her i am weird. wiggy. when i am going or trying to talk to her i am nervous. when i am on my way to see her i am so anxious my stomach hurts.

thinking about her is torture. knowing she isn’t attracted to me kills me. but still when we spend the night alone together i couldn’t be gladder. lying with my head in her lap and her hands on my head all sins are forgiven. that’s how it was while we watched bad television.

then she put on barbarella and we watched that. she used my breast to keep her feet warm. under the shirt i felt her on my heart. skin to skin. i held her ankles to keep them warm. she felt soft. i melted. we spent the night together and talked of things.

right now it is worth it to deal with all the shit for the occasions we do spend time just hanging out. sometimes i want to rip my heart out my chest and sometimes i feel joy. it’s messy and i expose and open myself to it.

i told her all i wanted for my birthday was her. so she said to come over at five-thirty because she’ll be awake by then. so if things go to plan i’ll have just spent most of my time with her. which will be awesome. or could be terrible. we’ll see.

we’re both these fucked up people. we’re together and things are ok but we are both sad and struggling not to commit suicide. she fights the same battle i do daily. it’s strange how perverse a relationship we have.

so i left when she went to bed and go home about seven in the morning. i was so up but i forced myself to sleep and then i ended up waking at ten so i didn’t really sleep much.

i got a call from my cousin. i got a call from sarah. they were nice but brief well wishes for my birthday. i got a call from peggy and she wished me a happy birthday and hearing me in a good mood [of sorts] tried to deflate me. she didn’t want me getting too excited because she knows how easy it is for me to get crushed.

i’m a beast of sensitivity. extreme highs and lows with dramatic shifts. it doesn’t take much to make me happy but it doesn’t take much for me to turn the other way as well.

i probably get to see zuey in three hours. i shouldn’t be so excited but i am. i’m a sucker for suffering. i love her. i look in her eyes and they sparkle and twinkle and my soul rips itself from my body in an attempt to be closer to her.


no doubt
“six feet under”
In the morning I wake up
And in the night I sleep
Since the day that I was born
Repeat, repeat, repeat
Brought to this life
Born to this life
Where was I before?
Nonexistent? Not at all?
Will I ever know?
Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground
Subconsciously motivated natural instinct
Alter nature for the pleasure
Orthocycline
Flirt with conception
Slow the cycle
Will the baby grow?
Social tradition interference
Control, control, control
Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground
I'll be dead and gone, no longer around
Spinning, spinning
Before I can recall
All the unknown chemicals
Control the cycle
The successive generations
From dust to dust
Burying my grandma
Then give birth to my own daughter
Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground
Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground
I'll be dead and gone, no longer around
I'll be buried six feet underground