day one...

listening to : “so jealous” by tegan and sara

this has been my favourite birthday ever. i am so happy right now. it’s insane how fragile this joy is though. how the slightest choices can take me one way or the other.

so last time i had slept for two hours and spent the night with zuey. well then at five i went to her house and we went to go ice skating but that didn’t work out so we just walked san francisco.

just walking and talking. i found any excuse to touch her. i floated on the good feelings. i can’t explain everything that i felt because it would only dilute my experiences to mention them here.

she is more wonderful the more i get to know her amusingly enough. before all i had for her was hope and potential [...plus the strong physical attraction] but slowly that is burning away to be replaced by real feelings and connection [plus, she is even hotter then i thought].

i guess one way to write a diary entry about it is to just list random thoughts and feelings...

~first hug
~seeing zuey twice in one day is awesome
~zuey is weak-sauce about rubber mountain sliding
~trying to be more understanding about her stance on boyfriends
~she doesn't like cigs either... something to mutually hate
~arts and crafts... closed
~”can i hold your hand?”
~having to explain and justify everything i feel about zuey... to zuey
~japanese food and conversation
~new faces on the new cup
~wind harp
~trying not to kiss her
~wanting to kiss her
~wanting to kiss her right now
~robotboy
~lying dressed on my bed reading about disney films together
~garfield
~inability to commit to a film
~”you’re spending the night?”
~my elation that zuey really is spending the night
~boring zuey with conker
~same cheap socks bought by our mums
~sandwiches and chocolate soymilk
~"come here jonathan, we'll share the pillow"
~crying
~”why?”
~more crying
~where our arms go
~zuey laughing at me
~i love the sound of zuey laughing
~*she* used *my* toothbrush
~chewing extra firm tofu and those jujubes that aren’t fruit shaped
~us both wanting to talk though we should sleep
~my mum waking up and getting ready for work
~sunrise
~we really should sleep
~i can’t sleep with zuey next to me my senses are all storing every sensation of being next to her
~finally sleep only to wake two hours later
~getting socks and ending up just watching zuey sleep
~she even looks beautiful sleeping
~thinking how much i wish to kiss the closed eyelids of sleeping zuey
~battlescars, wonderful battlescars
~going to class but finding it hard to focus because zuey is in my bed sleeping and i can’t stop thinking about her
~writing this diary entry while zuey is mere feet away from me
~being the happiest i've ever been

...i guess that is now up to date. so while i was out last night c.w., his girlfriend and rosie called to wish me a happy birthday. it was nice of them.

i was spoiled to be in her presence for such a long time. i was spoiled by her affection and attention. something so great.

she’s eventually going to need to go home and i will miss her fiercely. i want to say things that i don’t know what to say. i want to write down the conflict in my mind. i can not articulate the weight and burden of existence. i can’t explain why i want to live with stronger will then i’ve felt in the past.

so i won’t. i’ll end it here. i’ve leave now when everything in the universe is aligned and i can’t help but feel... good? happy? i don’t know... i just have this moment.


jimmyeatworld
“lying dressed”
everyday i get a little closer, dear
will you love me, darling, when i get there?
i’ll need sunshine, i’ll need rest
you’re just waiting there, i guess
remember me
i kissed you clean,
lying dressed,
on your bed
how we'll shake,
are we safe?
kiss you clean
broken free
hiding where you know
wait for you with my eyes closed
everyday i get a little closer, dear
will you love me, darling, when i get there?
i’ll need sunshine, i’ll need rest
you’re just waiting there, i guess
remember me
i kissed you clean,
lying dressed,
on your bed
how we'll shake
are we safe?
kiss you clean
broken free
everyday i get a little closer, dear
will you love me, darling, when i get there?
i’ll need sunshine, i’ll need rest
you’re just waiting there, i guess
remember me
i kissed you clean,
lying dressed,
on your bed
how we'll shake
are we safe?
kiss you clean
kiss you clean/broken free