feelings change so fast

listening to : “ghosts of tables and chairs” by citizens here & abroad

so she woke up and things were still great. the best. i let down my guard i let myself feel loved. it seems like i fucked up. i though that since we made it to the next day with zuey showing me the same love she showed before i was fine so i relaxed.

now i’m crushed. i tried to keep from letting it happen but it did. no peace and no sleep for me. only tears. my heart feels like a rock. cold and heavy. i should have seen it coming.

so at my house everything was great. we leave to go to japantown and once we get there within ten minutes zuey tells me not to be so huggy. the burgeoning distance only grew from there.

we go to all the stores and she is trying to replace my birthday gift. she wants so badly to buy me things. all i wanted for my birthday was zuey. and i got it. we spend a beautiful and wonderful night together. it was full of so much joy for me and was the best gift ever but now she just wants to buy me toys and little trinkets? i didn’t realise it then but the reason i was growing sad as the afternoon past is i felt zuey pulling away.

i trust her completely and with a certain aspect of our relationship she is in complete control. i accept that but i still wonder at the choices she makes. she just wants to have fun and not think about actions and just live in the moment.

i understand and i want to live for the moment as well but life isn’t a moment but a lot of moments together to define life and the way she pulls away so sharply stings.

i am trying to be understanding. but she doesn't have to go from putting my arm around her to just not wanting my touch at all. just because she doesn't feel the same way doesn't mean i have to be treated so unkind [unkind relative to how i was being treated before].

being free, independant and just go with the whim and feeling she fancies at the moment is fine. i understand what she wants but is it so hard to coddle me a bit instead of just shuting down?

it hurts so much. i hurt so much. nobody to blame but everybody. i don’t want this. i want a better life. how long can i wait for zuey? will i die for her? i think zuey is worth it. i'm sorry she's broken. i'm sorry i'm broken. i still believe in us. i still believe in her.


billy corgan
“pretty, pretty star”
wind a spire survey the hours i’m secrets, secrets
spillin’ on the floor
find a love a just because i need you, so much
beggin’ till i’m poor
wanting so much more this hurts kid
strangers find the eyes, just the same
every time i start
reachin’ out to find you
loneliness abounds
pretty, pretty star
only you remind me
that only you can find me, in you
in all i choose
wait remind my life is mine so many travelers
carry past the word
flowers jake the sun afraid i’m blinkin’ softly
wishin’ on your name
wonderin’ who to blame next, low this
crawlin’ towards the door, just the same
every time i start
reachin’ out to find you
loneliness abounds
pretty, pretty star
only you remind me
that only love can blind
every time i start
emptiness confounds me
loneliness astounds me
pretty, pretty star
it’s me and you
in all i choose
show me there’s no other
tell me i’m your lover
make me wonder who you are to stay
finish what you started
vanquish your departed
others wiltin’ in the shade
can i ask where you are tonight?
do you know where i am right now?
pretty, pretty star
emptiness surrounds me
loneliness confounds
pretty, pretty star
only you remind me
that only love can find me