pulling your teeth, you push away

listening to : “futures” by jimmyeatworld

this was written last night at two or three in the morning but while my internet wasn’t working. i’m publishing it today just so you know that everything after this is in the tense fitting to it being last night. i still feel terrible and couldn't sleep last night so sick with sadness and worry i was...

i feel dumb. i spoke and words came out wrong. i was talking to zuey on the phone to ask her if she wanted to hang out tonight and if she wanted to go with me to an open mic tomorrow.

so i call and she tells me tomorrow we can hang out and she’ll come to this thing but tonight she is hanging out with her friend gina. i say ok. by the way this whole time my heart feels like it’s going to burst out of my chest for some reason i am really nervous trying to talk to her on the phone.

but i want to see her tonight as well if i can so i ask her if i can late-later tonight after gina goes to bed. either she doesn’t understand or she doesn’t feel like hanging out with me tonight and was trying to be tactful about conveying it because of how the conversation degrades from there.

she responds to me, “no. i’m hanging out with gina tonight.” with the bit of force in her voice. i didn’t know that was supposed to clue me in that she didn’t want to hang out with me tonight [which i wouldn’t have argued if she outrightly told me]. i thought she had just misunderstood me so i tried to ask again.

to which she replied, “no! i’m hanging out with gina tonight. i’ll see you tomorrow *ok*!” i heard the apprehensiveness in her voice. i got the point. i just felt bad for not getting it sooner.

i didn’t want her to get to the point were she sounded exasperated with me. i just took her answers the wrong way. still the moment of damage is done. even though she probably doesn’t care i’ll be obsessing over it all night.

unable to sleep because of all the shit swirling inside me. just like last night. i’m not sleeping nights. i’m not sleeping during the day. i’m not happy. i’m overly sensitive from lack of sleep.

i almost consistently feel like a fuck-up to somebody at any given time. i’m so tired of how plastic so many of my relationships with people are. i just don’t want to do it anymore.

i don’t call anyone anymore and they don’t call me. not that they ever did. the only people i try talking to are zuey, aaron/carrie and peggy. that’s it. i just don’t want to deal with it anymore. i can’t.

so rosie is back in town but i haven’t really hung out or talked to her since the semester ended so i don’t know if we are as good friends as before. i am cursed with having friends i make in college classes only last a semester.

so i didn’t think that things could possibly get that way with rosie because we were so close but as the class ended everything felt off. i feel like i did something wrong to mess things up but i’m not sure what.

i hope to hang out with rosie because i want to see if i’m just being crazy and superstitious about this “curse” or if something is really wrong. i mean i am just not good with people. i mess things up or say or do something horrible and i don’t mean to but i just can’t keep anyone close.

i would be crushed but i can’t fault rosie for not being as close to me as before. if that does happen i’m sure she has a justifiable reason. i really thought what i had with rosie was special. i hope it still is.


jimmyeatworld
“in the same room”
fingers in, listen what voices say. [x2]
you always wrote for me, ego.
risk worth taking risk worth leaving.
seems i'm still afraid of promise, to promise.
too big to stop too big to hold on.
trade up for the fast ride.
trade your friends.
train passes us.
time passes us.
don't move.
be still.
be silent.
pulling your teeth you push away.
cancel plans, cancel them all.
check your breath for cold and hold on.
please hold on.
no pictures left to burn good-bye to.
that smell of ash and white walls blank.
time passes us.
don't move.
be still.
be silent.
horizontal lines and button up.
fingers in, listen what voices say.
the drawers of paper all say one thing.
like music boxes custom made.
time passes us.
don't move.
be still.
be silent.