since i've found you/i've found a girl/i've found a thorn...

currently : crying a lot... everywhere.

i've been using blogger.com for over a year. my first post was on the thirteenth of august last year. a full year. that's sorta crazy.

so looking at my bed. every time i look at my bed i think about when zuey was in it. those nights. and the pillow she needed for her legs because my one wasn't enough. i haven't taken the pillow out of my room.

i smell both the pillows every night because they still smell like her. i haven't cleaned the mess that we made. i need to talk to someone about this but because of my promise i can't talk about it to anyone but zuey.

maybe after class tonight i'll pass by. or before because i need to pick up a capo and strings from pacifica anyway. depends if i get gas or not. i don't know. i do need to vent even just a little. i just need to talk about my feelings so i can start to feel ok. i wrote this thing in creative writing class and it ended up being about her and it was so painful i began crying a lot in class.

we had to say something called "i remember" where we name something we remember. i thought of taking zuey back to my house yesterday and taking the one for the scenic route but actually it being so foggy we didn't see anything.

but then we had to write in class about it but the wound is so fresh i cried. almost the whole time writing it i was crying and it was hard to stay in class. i'll post it here but before let me remind you about the day in question [http://gotbb.blogspot.com/2005/08/feelings-change-so-fast.html]. reading that might create the context for this free writing exercise...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i remember... "driving thru the fog next to her realizing what we had before was really gone"

zuey. oh zuey. the day before [[censored]]. you were in the lead. you were in command. with that power you chose to make me the happiest i've ever been ; but in that fog i felt it all pulled away.

the entire day the chasm was widening and that drive back to my house was so hard. the moment i started crying i tried to stop... but i couldn't. it was too late.

too late... for masculinity, for joy, for peace, for love, for anything in the world to be pure and good, for me to feel god [or feel anything for that matter] in my heart.

she made being in love hurt. she made loving her kill. they call it the scenic route but there was no skyline, no ocean... only the thick unyielding fog. the visual manifestation of her [her heart?] shutting down and growing cold.

the line of visibility between the road and i... between zuey's heart and i... was fucked. eventually the fog would clear but inside us everything was still unyieldingly clouded.

alone. next to the person i love the most. we are both so broken. she let me get too close so she shut down. she let me get too close so i dropped my guard.

now no one is happy. now things are back to normal.

[[paragraph censored]]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...sorry but certain things i wrote had to be kept secret. only a sentence and a paragraph. i am dying. i am falling apart. my physical being is dwindling. when i fall i crash. soon i will bleed. soon i will bleed.


eels
"ant farm"
hate a lot of things
but i love a few things
and you are one of them
hard to believe
after all of these years
but you are one of them
walk down the street
i'm thinking:
everybody move along
i've got a sad-hearted needing
to belong
nevertheless
it's all the mess you made
but i can let it go
walk down the street
i'm thinking:
look at all the ants in a farm
i've got a sad-hearted feeling
to harm
hate a lot of things
but i love a few things
and you are one of them


eels
"the medication is wearing off"
see this watch she gave me?
well it still ticks away
the days i'm claiming back for me
the medication's wearing off
gonna hurt not a little, a lot
keep on tickin' you're not lickin' me
step on a crack break your mother's heart
red light green light black
suicide e-mail do not delete
plug it back in the jack
start to be what they want you to be
and you see yourself as they see you
sunrise on the corner of
sunset and alvarado
i think what the hell do i do now
watch the day disintegrate
so i can stay up late and wait
see this watch she gave me?
well it still ticks away