who or what i need i do not know

listening to : “futures” by jimmyeatworld

i feel dumb. i spoke and words came out wrong. i was so sick with nerves i threw up and defecated a number of times though i wasn’t eating. things are coming out and i’m not putting anything in.

i want to die. i just don’t have the guts to do it. the only thing holding me back is fear. the pain i must endure. what if i fail and just make my life even worse with physical complications?

i feel dumb for saying this but one thing sticking out of my mind is zuey keeping me away from her tonight and not explaining why to me. she said i “broke my pick” with her and wouldn’t let me around her. i thought she was joking but she kept it up and i didn’t understand.

i was around a group of people for the first time since canada and i hated it. i tried to be fake but it was such a chore. it didn’t use to be. i never say hate but hate is what i feel. i feel cold, empty and hateful inside.

i could be fake and plastic before but i can’t or don’t want to now. i don’t like how plastic all my relationships are. who are my friends? is it worth it? to what benefit am i to anyone?

i drain on people with my need for love and attention but what do i give? i make someone laugh or smile once in a while? anyone can do that. the reason i don’t have any good friends is i’m not a good person. and i don’t have anything to offer to be worth being anyone’s person they consider most.

so when i need someone. i mean really need someone like right now i have no one. it’s probably my own fault. but it doesn’t mean i want to feel this way anymore.

i just had a chat with someone online. i guess it sorta says some things i was going to say here so i’ll just repost it. i edited it so that the person’s name is private...

---------------------------------
[jonathan] : honestly, i'm deeply depressed.

[jonathan] : i want to die.

[jonathan] : right now i wish i had the nerve to kill myself.

[someone] : why?

[jonathan] : the overbearingness of living is to no ones benefit, i don't help anyone by suffering with my life. i am so easily hurt and i just let people down.

[someone] : how do you figure?

[jonathan] : i wish i had friends who had time to hold me and tell me that i'm worth something but they don't. i have nothing to offer anyone except that i am needy.

[jonathan] : i'm like a parasite.

[someone] : well, I don't think you are

[someone] : I think we all just make ourselves so busy so we aren't tempted to cling on

[jonathan] : i'm so closed off i don't think i could explain my sadness. i have this shell. because no matter what i still don't want to seem like i'm whining.

[jonathan] : i want to die and the only thing holding me back is fear.

[someone] : Jesus man. Don't kill yourself.

[someone] : You should talk to someone. This is serious

[jonathan] : i honestly don't think there is any reason i shouldn't.

[jonathan] : i've failed everyone and myself for too long.

[someone] : Because me and all your other friends and family will be devastated if you did

[jonathan] : ...for a time.

[jonathan] : i don't know. i don't think you have to worry about it. i've been trying to build up the guts to do it and i haven't been able to.

[someone] : whatever bad shit you're feeling right now is going to go away, and when you're successful and completely happy in a few years, you're going to look back at this and think you were silly for wanting to kill yourself

[jonathan] : maybe... but how long am i to endure this shitty life? i can only handle SO much and i'm trying to accept it'll pass but i have to live with it until it does. i don't want to hurt so much for so long. i hate this. i hate feeling everything i'm feeling right now.

[someone] : you need to make yourself feel better. and I know that's not an easy thing to just do, but how about talking to a counselor or a shrink about this?

[someone] : and formulate whatever your feeling into a creative output

[jonathan] : i'm trying music.

[jonathan] : i want to write a screenplay which i haven't done in a while.

[someone] : then do them

[jonathan] : i guess i can look up free counseling?

[jonathan] : i don't know...

[someone] : Dude, I'm going to sleep away the air in my head. We'll talk tomorrow

[someone] : But I love you

[someone] : And don't do anything stupid

[jonathan] : umm... i guess.

[jonathan] : i don't have it in me to promise you.

[jonathan] : it's going to be a long night.

[jonathan] : but i'll try.

[someone] : go to sleep

[jonathan] : i can't. i haven't been able to get much for days.

[jonathan] : if i take pills i'll want the whole bottle.

[someone] : well, then it seems like the perfect opportunity to get some do something productive then

[someone] : write that screenplay until you fall asleep

[someone] : except my mum will probably kick me of the computer soon.

[jonathan] : i'll try working. i'll try. ok? i'll try. i whip out paper and try.

[someone] : good. writing the old fashion way usually has better results anyway

[someone] : at least for me. I'm going to call you tomorrow but goodnight for now.

[jonathan] : goodnite.

[someone] : by the way--to warn you, that chick [CENSORED] wants to hook you up with might be visiting soon

[someone] : and apparently she's pale and skinny

[jonathan] : hey. you got a laugh from me. a smile even. congrats.

[jonathan] : someone new to disappoint? heh, can't wait.

[someone] : heh. what an eyore outlook to the situation. anyway, goodnight.

[jonathan] : yeah. nite.
---------------------------------

...i guess i should go. enough complaining and moaning for tonight. nothing is fixed. i wish i could apoligise to zuey for the way i left her and her friends tonight but i can’t. it’s too late, she’s not online and after the way i acted to everyone after being dissed by zuey i’m not going to go to her door. not tonight. maybe never again... if i could just...

i got very introverted and weird. i think i was mean to everyone because i was so hurt. i couldn’t function on a social level and i just left. first my body and then the place we were at. acting like such a faker. pretending my insides weren’t all black and bile. pretending i didn’t have to use every bit of my being not to burst into tears in front of everyone.


i hate myself.