ramble_tangents_random_meandering

banana phone : take two

2005-08-27T17:05:00.000-07:00

listening to : "when the pawn..." fiona apple and "in your honour" foo fighters

this is my second time writing this and so it won't be nearly as long as last time...

i guess life can be like that sometime. zuey told me to call her today at two but no one picked up no matter how long i took. and how much i called. i made called sporadically every fifteen or so minutes. and then at three thirty i got someone. her father. he sounded very annoyed and hostile, he always does.

he told me she was not home. he has lied to me before but i wanted to believe him. either way i’m boned because now i can’t call her for a while. he told me he’d have her call me back but the odds of that are very unlikely.

even if he feels so inclined to deliver the message she won’t call me back. i don’t know if this is how she is with everyone but she doesn’t call me back or call me first ever. only online will she reach me. sucks.

so it doesn’t matter if she’s still sleeping, out with her mum or friends or anything because i don’t know if i’ll get the chance to talk to her tonight. i just would love to see her again. i want to talk.

i know she just wants to have fun but i want to have the guts to bring up a serious conversation with her and i want her to have one back. i want us to grow deeper into each other. i want more reason to love her or not. i want to know who she really is since i can’t help giving her so much of me. i want to kiss her and for her to kiss back... and perhaps i’m asking too much ; but i want it to mean something. maybe i’m crazy? but surely i’m in love.

fiona apple
"love ridden"

love ridden, i've looked at you
with the focus i gave to my birthday candles
i've wished on the lidded blue flames
under your brow
and baby, i wished for you
nobody sees when you are lying in your bed
and i wanna crawl in with you
but i cry instead
i want your warm, but it will only make
me colder when it's over,
so i can't tonight, baby
no, not "baby" anymore - if i need you
i'll just use your simple name
only kisses on the cheek from now on
and in a little while, we'll only have to wave
my hand won't hold you down no more
the path is clear to follow through
i stood too long in the way of the door
and now i'm giving up on you
no, not "baby" anymore- if i need you
i'll just use your simple name
only kisses on the cheek from now on
and in a little while, we'll only have to wave
no, not "baby" anymore- if i need you
i'll just use your simple name
only kisses on the cheek from now on
and in a little while, we'll only have to wave

stayin' alive! [disco-style]

2005-08-25T00:12:00.000-07:00

just a little update. so i am still really terrible but i am more stable. why? because i called zuey and talked to her on the phone for three minutes.

see... i knew all i needed was to talk to her. i didn’t even get to discuss anything really. the phone call itself went very poorly while i’m on the subject.

i called and asked to see her and she said she didn’t want to see me. i told her i was messed up because i could only talk to her about stuff and how since before she told me that anytime i *needed* her i could come to her.

but that was taken away. another change of her whim. i’m still learning to adapt to her whims. this is the second thing she told me that changed. the second deal that she doesn’t want to deal with.

also she told me she had spent too much time with me and didn’t want to hang out for a couple of days which could be months, who knows? and she also said that she was sorry but she couldn’t be more concerned about my issues. all of which involve her.

so like i said before, not even a good conversation or a good call where much of anything positive came out of it. just her voice and a confirmation that we weren’t completely fucked. that she wasn’t done with me forever.

but that and her voice and all the other little parts of the conversation were enough. it kept me enough in a state of calm... or not as completely miserable that i’m a bit better. i’m not physically shaking anymore and my internal sickness is a little more reasonable.

i was able to go to class and not be completely absent minded. i want so much from zuey but i only need so little. i guess it’s enough to be too much for her. oh well, what can i do?

i’m trying to deal. i’m trying to be ok. i can’t do this alone. but that isn’t wrong ; is it? oh well, i’m off. off to think about zuey some more no doubt. jeez, i can’t even look at my bedroom without mourning.

this is a conversation i just had on aim. i guess i thought there needed to be more to this post so i’m adding this...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
not me : we should play!

not me : wen im done

jonathan dipratna : mmm... not tonight.

not me : grr.....

jonathan dipratna : i'm nursing my depression.

jonathan dipratna : i don't feel like doing anything but crying.

jonathan dipratna : maybe cutting.

jonathan dipratna : but tthat's all.

not me : so nurse it with fantastic KILLING!

jonathan dipratna : no. cutting and crying.

not me : cutting? I thought you were better than that....

jonathan dipratna : mmm...

jonathan dipratna : i don't know.

jonathan dipratna : i'm getting worse.

jonathan dipratna : worse at life.

jonathan dipratna : worse at everything.

not me : I dont think so.....

jonathan dipratna : you don't see me when i'm alone. when i'm not being kinda fake.

jonathan dipratna : i'm a very sad person.

not me : you allways just kind of act like your self.....I mean you were going to tell your classmates that you have raped someone.

jonathan dipratna : they took it strangely.

jonathan dipratna : i didn't laugh..

not me : you did it...lol

jonathan dipratna : this girl sitting next to me just kinda looked at me funny.

jonathan dipratna : when i explained it was over.

jonathan dipratna : no one cared about me enough to mind if i raped someone or not.

not me : rofl lol stfu

jonathan dipratna : everyone believed that i stabbed someone.

jonathan dipratna : no one thought that was the lie.

jonathan dipratna : that made me feel odd.

not me : lots o people stab people

not me : epashaly if your mexican

not me : and your kinda mexican

not me : or latin

jonathan dipratna : yup. call me captain stabbing... robbing college girls of their anal virginity.

jonathan dipratna : and making them walk the plank.

not me : anal?

jonathan dipratna : yeah, you've never heard of captain stabbin'?

not me : yes i have

jonathan dipratna : http://www.captain-stabbing.com/

not me : see it

not me : n

jonathan dipratna : this is his mission statement,

not me : gotta love porn

jonathan dipratna : only suicide girls.

not me : lol

jonathan dipratna : ...grr.

not me : na

not me : what are you growling at

not me : ?

not me : ?

jonathan dipratna : nothing. never mind.

not me : i wish you wernt so sad......if theres anything i can youll let me know right?

jonathan dipratna : mmm... sulking is so selfish. so it's kinda a personal thing.

jonathan dipratna : also when it's about a person only that person can magically fix it.

jonathan dipratna : ummm... just hang out with me.

not me : sure

jonathan dipratna : when i'm busy i don't think too much about it and i'm fake and only when certain things come out that remind me of her so i freak.

jonathan dipratna : ...grr.

jonathan dipratna : yeah.

jonathan dipratna : it happens.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...ok well i’m gone for true this time. take care of yourself and be sure to talk to me if you want to be friends. i could use a chat. see you around, ta!!

the beatles
“all my loving”
close your eyes and i'll kiss you,
tomorrow i'll miss you;
remember i'll always be true.
and then while i'm away,
i'll write home ev'ry day,
and i'll send all my loving to you.
i'll pretend that i'm kissing
the lips i am missing
and hope that my dreams will come true.
and then while i'm away,
i'll write home ev'ry day,
and i'll send all my loving to you.
all my loving i will send to you.
all my loving, darling i'll be true.

since i've found you/i've found a girl/i've found a thorn...

2005-08-24T16:44:00.000-07:00

currently : crying a lot... everywhere.

i've been using blogger.com for over a year. my first post was on the thirteenth of august last year. a full year. that's sorta crazy.

so looking at my bed. every time i look at my bed i think about when zuey was in it. those nights. and the pillow she needed for her legs because my one wasn't enough. i haven't taken the pillow out of my room.

i smell both the pillows every night because they still smell like her. i haven't cleaned the mess that we made. i need to talk to someone about this but because of my promise i can't talk about it to anyone but zuey.

maybe after class tonight i'll pass by. or before because i need to pick up a capo and strings from pacifica anyway. depends if i get gas or not. i don't know. i do need to vent even just a little. i just need to talk about my feelings so i can start to feel ok. i wrote this thing in creative writing class and it ended up being about her and it was so painful i began crying a lot in class.

we had to say something called "i remember" where we name something we remember. i thought of taking zuey back to my house yesterday and taking the one for the scenic route but actually it being so foggy we didn't see anything.

but then we had to write in class about it but the wound is so fresh i cried. almost the whole time writing it i was crying and it was hard to stay in class. i'll post it here but before let me remind you about the day in question [http://gotbb.blogspot.com/2005/08/feelings-change-so-fast.html]. reading that might create the context for this free writing exercise...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i remember... "driving thru the fog next to her realizing what we had before was really gone"

zuey. oh zuey. the day before [[censored]]. you were in the lead. you were in command. with that power you chose to make me the happiest i've ever been ; but in that fog i felt it all pulled away.

the entire day the chasm was widening and that drive back to my house was so hard. the moment i started crying i tried to stop... but i couldn't. it was too late.

too late... for masculinity, for joy, for peace, for love, for anything in the world to be pure and good, for me to feel god [or feel anything for that matter] in my heart.

she made being in love hurt. she made loving her kill. they call it the scenic route but there was no skyline, no ocean... only the thick unyielding fog. the visual manifestation of her [her heart?] shutting down and growing cold.

the line of visibility between the road and i... between zuey's heart and i... was fucked. eventually the fog would clear but inside us everything was still unyieldingly clouded.

alone. next to the person i love the most. we are both so broken. she let me get too close so she shut down. she let me get too close so i dropped my guard.

now no one is happy. now things are back to normal.

[[paragraph censored]]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...sorry but certain things i wrote had to be kept secret. only a sentence and a paragraph. i am dying. i am falling apart. my physical being is dwindling. when i fall i crash. soon i will bleed. soon i will bleed.

eels
"ant farm"
hate a lot of things
but i love a few things
and you are one of them
hard to believe
after all of these years
but you are one of them
walk down the street
i'm thinking:
everybody move along
i've got a sad-hearted needing
to belong
nevertheless
it's all the mess you made
but i can let it go
walk down the street
i'm thinking:
look at all the ants in a farm
i've got a sad-hearted feeling
to harm
hate a lot of things
but i love a few things
and you are one of them

eels
"the medication is wearing off"
see this watch she gave me?
well it still ticks away
the days i'm claiming back for me
the medication's wearing off
gonna hurt not a little, a lot
keep on tickin' you're not lickin' me
step on a crack break your mother's heart
red light green light black
suicide e-mail do not delete
plug it back in the jack
start to be what they want you to be
and you see yourself as they see you
sunrise on the corner of
sunset and alvarado
i think what the hell do i do now
watch the day disintegrate
so i can stay up late and wait
see this watch she gave me?
well it still ticks away

why bother / it's gonna hurt me

2005-08-23T14:22:00.000-07:00

listening to : “get happy!!” elvis costello & the attractions

i don’t feel like doing anything. i’m in a funny sort of slump. this is bad, right? i shouldn’t be letting this happen. i can’t help it. i am trying to give my heart to someone who has tendencies of accidental cruelty. she doesn’t mean to hurt me at all but the wounds still slay me.

we’re both not very emotionally healthy people. i love how wonderful zuey makes me feel but that is supplemented by the extreme lows she leaves me with. i’m too temperamental for how unattached she is.

what am i supposed to do? why can’t things be more reasonable? everything is so confusing and when it’s not something new comes along to complecate things. can this work? what am i supposed to feel... supposed to do?

i can’t concentrait on work. i am not moving ahead but lingering in my sorrows. it’ll probably pass and when we talk things will be ok again. but the wait for the next talk is hard. i must be crazy. everything hurts.

the beatles
“something”
something in the way she moves
attracts me like no other lover
something in the way she woos me
i don't want to leave her now
you know i believe her now
somewhere in her smile she knows
that i don't need no other lover
something in her style that shows me
don't want to leave her now
you know i believe her now
you're asking me will my love grow
i don't know, i don't know
you stick around now it may show
i don't know, i don't know
something in the way she knows
and all i have to do is think of her
something in the things she shows me
don't want to leave her now
you know i believe her now

feelings change so fast

2005-08-23T02:22:00.000-07:00

listening to : “ghosts of tables and chairs” by citizens here & abroad

so she woke up and things were still great. the best. i let down my guard i let myself feel loved. it seems like i fucked up. i though that since we made it to the next day with zuey showing me the same love she showed before i was fine so i relaxed.

now i’m crushed. i tried to keep from letting it happen but it did. no peace and no sleep for me. only tears. my heart feels like a rock. cold and heavy. i should have seen it coming.

so at my house everything was great. we leave to go to japantown and once we get there within ten minutes zuey tells me not to be so huggy. the burgeoning distance only grew from there.

we go to all the stores and she is trying to replace my birthday gift. she wants so badly to buy me things. all i wanted for my birthday was zuey. and i got it. we spend a beautiful and wonderful night together. it was full of so much joy for me and was the best gift ever but now she just wants to buy me toys and little trinkets? i didn’t realise it then but the reason i was growing sad as the afternoon past is i felt zuey pulling away.

i trust her completely and with a certain aspect of our relationship she is in complete control. i accept that but i still wonder at the choices she makes. she just wants to have fun and not think about actions and just live in the moment.

i understand and i want to live for the moment as well but life isn’t a moment but a lot of moments together to define life and the way she pulls away so sharply stings.

i am trying to be understanding. but she doesn't have to go from putting my arm around her to just not wanting my touch at all. just because she doesn't feel the same way doesn't mean i have to be treated so unkind [unkind relative to how i was being treated before].

being free, independant and just go with the whim and feeling she fancies at the moment is fine. i understand what she wants but is it so hard to coddle me a bit instead of just shuting down?

it hurts so much. i hurt so much. nobody to blame but everybody. i don’t want this. i want a better life. how long can i wait for zuey? will i die for her? i think zuey is worth it. i'm sorry she's broken. i'm sorry i'm broken. i still believe in us. i still believe in her.

billy corgan
“pretty, pretty star”
wind a spire survey the hours i’m secrets, secrets
spillin’ on the floor
find a love a just because i need you, so much
beggin’ till i’m poor
wanting so much more this hurts kid
strangers find the eyes, just the same
every time i start
reachin’ out to find you
loneliness abounds
pretty, pretty star
only you remind me
that only you can find me, in you
in all i choose
wait remind my life is mine so many travelers
carry past the word
flowers jake the sun afraid i’m blinkin’ softly
wishin’ on your name
wonderin’ who to blame next, low this
crawlin’ towards the door, just the same
every time i start
reachin’ out to find you
loneliness abounds
pretty, pretty star
only you remind me
that only love can blind
every time i start
emptiness confounds me
loneliness astounds me
pretty, pretty star
it’s me and you
in all i choose
show me there’s no other
tell me i’m your lover
make me wonder who you are to stay
finish what you started
vanquish your departed
others wiltin’ in the shade
can i ask where you are tonight?
do you know where i am right now?
pretty, pretty star
emptiness surrounds me
loneliness confounds
pretty, pretty star
only you remind me
that only love can find me

day one...

2005-08-22T15:33:00.000-07:00

listening to : “so jealous” by tegan and sara

this has been my favourite birthday ever. i am so happy right now. it’s insane how fragile this joy is though. how the slightest choices can take me one way or the other.

so last time i had slept for two hours and spent the night with zuey. well then at five i went to her house and we went to go ice skating but that didn’t work out so we just walked san francisco.

just walking and talking. i found any excuse to touch her. i floated on the good feelings. i can’t explain everything that i felt because it would only dilute my experiences to mention them here.

she is more wonderful the more i get to know her amusingly enough. before all i had for her was hope and potential [...plus the strong physical attraction] but slowly that is burning away to be replaced by real feelings and connection [plus, she is even hotter then i thought].

i guess one way to write a diary entry about it is to just list random thoughts and feelings...

~first hug
~seeing zuey twice in one day is awesome
~zuey is weak-sauce about rubber mountain sliding
~trying to be more understanding about her stance on boyfriends
~she doesn't like cigs either... something to mutually hate
~arts and crafts... closed
~”can i hold your hand?”
~having to explain and justify everything i feel about zuey... to zuey
~japanese food and conversation
~new faces on the new cup
~wind harp
~trying not to kiss her
~wanting to kiss her
~wanting to kiss her right now
~robotboy
~lying dressed on my bed reading about disney films together
~garfield
~inability to commit to a film
~”you’re spending the night?”
~my elation that zuey really is spending the night
~boring zuey with conker
~same cheap socks bought by our mums
~sandwiches and chocolate soymilk
~"come here jonathan, we'll share the pillow"
~crying
~”why?”
~more crying
~where our arms go
~zuey laughing at me
~i love the sound of zuey laughing
~*she* used *my* toothbrush
~chewing extra firm tofu and those jujubes that aren’t fruit shaped
~us both wanting to talk though we should sleep
~my mum waking up and getting ready for work
~sunrise
~we really should sleep
~i can’t sleep with zuey next to me my senses are all storing every sensation of being next to her
~finally sleep only to wake two hours later
~getting socks and ending up just watching zuey sleep
~she even looks beautiful sleeping
~thinking how much i wish to kiss the closed eyelids of sleeping zuey
~battlescars, wonderful battlescars
~going to class but finding it hard to focus because zuey is in my bed sleeping and i can’t stop thinking about her
~writing this diary entry while zuey is mere feet away from me
~being the happiest i've ever been

...i guess that is now up to date. so while i was out last night c.w., his girlfriend and rosie called to wish me a happy birthday. it was nice of them.

i was spoiled to be in her presence for such a long time. i was spoiled by her affection and attention. something so great.

she’s eventually going to need to go home and i will miss her fiercely. i want to say things that i don’t know what to say. i want to write down the conflict in my mind. i can not articulate the weight and burden of existence. i can’t explain why i want to live with stronger will then i’ve felt in the past.

so i won’t. i’ll end it here. i’ve leave now when everything in the universe is aligned and i can’t help but feel... good? happy? i don’t know... i just have this moment.

jimmyeatworld
“lying dressed”
everyday i get a little closer, dear
will you love me, darling, when i get there?
i’ll need sunshine, i’ll need rest
you’re just waiting there, i guess
remember me
i kissed you clean,
lying dressed,
on your bed
how we'll shake,
are we safe?
kiss you clean
broken free
hiding where you know
wait for you with my eyes closed
everyday i get a little closer, dear
will you love me, darling, when i get there?
i’ll need sunshine, i’ll need rest
you’re just waiting there, i guess
remember me
i kissed you clean,
lying dressed,
on your bed
how we'll shake
are we safe?
kiss you clean
broken free
everyday i get a little closer, dear
will you love me, darling, when i get there?
i’ll need sunshine, i’ll need rest
you’re just waiting there, i guess
remember me
i kissed you clean,
lying dressed,
on your bed
how we'll shake
are we safe?
kiss you clean
kiss you clean/broken free

birthday wish

2005-08-21T15:03:00.000-07:00

listening to : “ghosts of tables and chairs” by citizens here & abroad

it’s my birthday. i have that no doubt song, “six feet under” stuck in my head. at least the chorus. so today has actually been really cool so far. perhaps i’m just setting myself up for a huge let down but we’ll see.

so i go to zuey’s house and i feel wonderful. floating on air. all that lot. when i’m not with her i am weird. wiggy. when i am going or trying to talk to her i am nervous. when i am on my way to see her i am so anxious my stomach hurts.

thinking about her is torture. knowing she isn’t attracted to me kills me. but still when we spend the night alone together i couldn’t be gladder. lying with my head in her lap and her hands on my head all sins are forgiven. that’s how it was while we watched bad television.

then she put on barbarella and we watched that. she used my breast to keep her feet warm. under the shirt i felt her on my heart. skin to skin. i held her ankles to keep them warm. she felt soft. i melted. we spent the night together and talked of things.

right now it is worth it to deal with all the shit for the occasions we do spend time just hanging out. sometimes i want to rip my heart out my chest and sometimes i feel joy. it’s messy and i expose and open myself to it.

i told her all i wanted for my birthday was her. so she said to come over at five-thirty because she’ll be awake by then. so if things go to plan i’ll have just spent most of my time with her. which will be awesome. or could be terrible. we’ll see.

we’re both these fucked up people. we’re together and things are ok but we are both sad and struggling not to commit suicide. she fights the same battle i do daily. it’s strange how perverse a relationship we have.

so i left when she went to bed and go home about seven in the morning. i was so up but i forced myself to sleep and then i ended up waking at ten so i didn’t really sleep much.

i got a call from my cousin. i got a call from sarah. they were nice but brief well wishes for my birthday. i got a call from peggy and she wished me a happy birthday and hearing me in a good mood [of sorts] tried to deflate me. she didn’t want me getting too excited because she knows how easy it is for me to get crushed.

i’m a beast of sensitivity. extreme highs and lows with dramatic shifts. it doesn’t take much to make me happy but it doesn’t take much for me to turn the other way as well.

i probably get to see zuey in three hours. i shouldn’t be so excited but i am. i’m a sucker for suffering. i love her. i look in her eyes and they sparkle and twinkle and my soul rips itself from my body in an attempt to be closer to her.

no doubt
“six feet under”
In the morning I wake up
And in the night I sleep
Since the day that I was born
Repeat, repeat, repeat
Brought to this life
Born to this life
Where was I before?
Nonexistent? Not at all?
Will I ever know?
Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground
Subconsciously motivated natural instinct
Alter nature for the pleasure
Orthocycline
Flirt with conception
Slow the cycle
Will the baby grow?
Social tradition interference
Control, control, control
Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground
I'll be dead and gone, no longer around
Spinning, spinning
Before I can recall
All the unknown chemicals
Control the cycle
The successive generations
From dust to dust
Burying my grandma
Then give birth to my own daughter
Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground
Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground
I'll be dead and gone, no longer around
I'll be buried six feet underground

pocket full of posies

2005-08-21T01:11:00.000-07:00

listening to : “ghosts of tables and chairs” by citizens here & abroad

it is my birthday. i am still alive. if i die now it will say twenty-two in the papers. what fun i should be having to be a palindrome.

getting out of dylan’s car as i got dropped off at home in the sky i saw a huge green firework explode. must be a good sign. or luck. hmm...

so i was taken out by dylan to see loquat which was cool because i’ve been into them for about two years and i’m missed them so many times so i’ve finally seen them.

one of the bands that opened for them [citizens here & abroad] was really super cool. they had a really awesome live show. i thought they were better then loquat so i bought their cd and it’s really good.

loquat was cool but they are not as good live as on cd. it was still good but not as good, y’know? i really enjoyed myself and was glad to meet this new band.

i am very sad in general. i cry a lot. it doesn't take much. i feel sick a lot too. zuey makes me sick. not in a gross way but my stomach just hurts so much thinking about her.

shit! she's online. i want to see her. she hasn't decided. she is weirded out about someone at her house. i want her to hug me and wish me a happy birthday.

jeez, i'm such a puff. i am a bug. i am out of here. have a better day then me, ta!!

jimmyeatworld
"23"
i felt for sure last night
that once we said goodbye
no one else will know these lonely dreams
no one else will know that part of me
i'm still driving away
and i'm sorry every day
i won't always love these selfish things
i won't always live...
not stopping...
it was my turn to decide
i knew this was our time
no one else will have me like you do
no one else will have me, only you
you'll sit alone forever
if you wait for the right time
what are you hoping for?
i'm here i'm now i'm ready
holding on tight
don't give away the end
the one thing that stays mine
amazing still it seems
i'll be 23
i won't always love what i'll never have
i won't always live in my regrets
you'll sit alone forever
if you wait for the right time
what are you hoping for?
i'm here i'm now i'm ready
holding on tight
don't give away the end
the one thing that stays mine
you'll sit alone forever
if you wait for the right time
what are you hoping for?
i'm here i'm now i'm ready
holding on tight
don't give away the end
the one thing that stays mine...

reasons not to kill myself...

2005-08-16T16:44:00.000-07:00

~one more book from harry potter closure
~film version of "shopgirl"
~"stella" on comedy central
~a bunch of other assorted films and musicals
~next-generation console and games
~make songs and films people enjoy
~feel love again

...that's kinda sad, isn't it? there may be some more but these are the main ones. i start college again tomarrow. hmm...

who or what i need i do not know

2005-08-16T03:03:00.000-07:00

listening to : “futures” by jimmyeatworld

i feel dumb. i spoke and words came out wrong. i was so sick with nerves i threw up and defecated a number of times though i wasn’t eating. things are coming out and i’m not putting anything in.

i want to die. i just don’t have the guts to do it. the only thing holding me back is fear. the pain i must endure. what if i fail and just make my life even worse with physical complications?

i feel dumb for saying this but one thing sticking out of my mind is zuey keeping me away from her tonight and not explaining why to me. she said i “broke my pick” with her and wouldn’t let me around her. i thought she was joking but she kept it up and i didn’t understand.

i was around a group of people for the first time since canada and i hated it. i tried to be fake but it was such a chore. it didn’t use to be. i never say hate but hate is what i feel. i feel cold, empty and hateful inside.

i could be fake and plastic before but i can’t or don’t want to now. i don’t like how plastic all my relationships are. who are my friends? is it worth it? to what benefit am i to anyone?

i drain on people with my need for love and attention but what do i give? i make someone laugh or smile once in a while? anyone can do that. the reason i don’t have any good friends is i’m not a good person. and i don’t have anything to offer to be worth being anyone’s person they consider most.

so when i need someone. i mean really need someone like right now i have no one. it’s probably my own fault. but it doesn’t mean i want to feel this way anymore.

i just had a chat with someone online. i guess it sorta says some things i was going to say here so i’ll just repost it. i edited it so that the person’s name is private...

---------------------------------
[jonathan] : honestly, i'm deeply depressed.

[jonathan] : i want to die.

[jonathan] : right now i wish i had the nerve to kill myself.

[someone] : why?

[jonathan] : the overbearingness of living is to no ones benefit, i don't help anyone by suffering with my life. i am so easily hurt and i just let people down.

[someone] : how do you figure?

[jonathan] : i wish i had friends who had time to hold me and tell me that i'm worth something but they don't. i have nothing to offer anyone except that i am needy.

[jonathan] : i'm like a parasite.

[someone] : well, I don't think you are

[someone] : I think we all just make ourselves so busy so we aren't tempted to cling on

[jonathan] : i'm so closed off i don't think i could explain my sadness. i have this shell. because no matter what i still don't want to seem like i'm whining.

[jonathan] : i want to die and the only thing holding me back is fear.

[someone] : Jesus man. Don't kill yourself.

[someone] : You should talk to someone. This is serious

[jonathan] : i honestly don't think there is any reason i shouldn't.

[jonathan] : i've failed everyone and myself for too long.

[someone] : Because me and all your other friends and family will be devastated if you did

[jonathan] : ...for a time.

[jonathan] : i don't know. i don't think you have to worry about it. i've been trying to build up the guts to do it and i haven't been able to.

[someone] : whatever bad shit you're feeling right now is going to go away, and when you're successful and completely happy in a few years, you're going to look back at this and think you were silly for wanting to kill yourself

[jonathan] : maybe... but how long am i to endure this shitty life? i can only handle SO much and i'm trying to accept it'll pass but i have to live with it until it does. i don't want to hurt so much for so long. i hate this. i hate feeling everything i'm feeling right now.

[someone] : you need to make yourself feel better. and I know that's not an easy thing to just do, but how about talking to a counselor or a shrink about this?

[someone] : and formulate whatever your feeling into a creative output

[jonathan] : i'm trying music.

[jonathan] : i want to write a screenplay which i haven't done in a while.

[someone] : then do them

[jonathan] : i guess i can look up free counseling?

[jonathan] : i don't know...

[someone] : Dude, I'm going to sleep away the air in my head. We'll talk tomorrow

[someone] : But I love you

[someone] : And don't do anything stupid

[jonathan] : umm... i guess.

[jonathan] : i don't have it in me to promise you.

[jonathan] : it's going to be a long night.

[jonathan] : but i'll try.

[someone] : go to sleep

[jonathan] : i can't. i haven't been able to get much for days.

[jonathan] : if i take pills i'll want the whole bottle.

[someone] : well, then it seems like the perfect opportunity to get some do something productive then

[someone] : write that screenplay until you fall asleep

[someone] : except my mum will probably kick me of the computer soon.

[jonathan] : i'll try working. i'll try. ok? i'll try. i whip out paper and try.

[someone] : good. writing the old fashion way usually has better results anyway

[someone] : at least for me. I'm going to call you tomorrow but goodnight for now.

[jonathan] : goodnite.

[someone] : by the way--to warn you, that chick [CENSORED] wants to hook you up with might be visiting soon

[someone] : and apparently she's pale and skinny

[jonathan] : hey. you got a laugh from me. a smile even. congrats.

[jonathan] : someone new to disappoint? heh, can't wait.

[someone] : heh. what an eyore outlook to the situation. anyway, goodnight.

[jonathan] : yeah. nite.
---------------------------------

...i guess i should go. enough complaining and moaning for tonight. nothing is fixed. i wish i could apoligise to zuey for the way i left her and her friends tonight but i can’t. it’s too late, she’s not online and after the way i acted to everyone after being dissed by zuey i’m not going to go to her door. not tonight. maybe never again... if i could just...

i got very introverted and weird. i think i was mean to everyone because i was so hurt. i couldn’t function on a social level and i just left. first my body and then the place we were at. acting like such a faker. pretending my insides weren’t all black and bile. pretending i didn’t have to use every bit of my being not to burst into tears in front of everyone.

i hate myself.

...the ghost slips away

2005-08-15T17:05:00.000-07:00

i feel like vomiting. i am so sick. my tummy is a swirl of emotion. i am so worried about tonight. i am doing my first open mic since i bombed and zuey is going to be there. even rosie and a bunch of other people i probably know.

that isn't why i'm worried. i'm worried because i'm terribly nervous that i messed things up with zuey. i just can't get over this feeling that i suck. i suck bad. i'm so unhappy. i think i may die of it.

radiohead
“punchdrunk lovesick singalong”
i wrapped you inside my coat
when they came to firebomb the house
i didn't feel pain, 'cause no-one can touch me
now that i'm held in your spell
a beautiful girl
a beautiful girl
can turn your world into dust
sell me a car that goes
sell me a house that stands
i never cared before, i never cared before
i never cared before, before, before, before
a beautiful girl
a beautiful girl
can turn your world into dust
a beautiful girl
a beautiful girl
can turn your world into dust
i stood in front of her face
when the first bullet was shot

pulling your teeth, you push away

2005-08-15T14:22:00.000-07:00

listening to : “futures” by jimmyeatworld

this was written last night at two or three in the morning but while my internet wasn’t working. i’m publishing it today just so you know that everything after this is in the tense fitting to it being last night. i still feel terrible and couldn't sleep last night so sick with sadness and worry i was...

i feel dumb. i spoke and words came out wrong. i was talking to zuey on the phone to ask her if she wanted to hang out tonight and if she wanted to go with me to an open mic tomorrow.

so i call and she tells me tomorrow we can hang out and she’ll come to this thing but tonight she is hanging out with her friend gina. i say ok. by the way this whole time my heart feels like it’s going to burst out of my chest for some reason i am really nervous trying to talk to her on the phone.

but i want to see her tonight as well if i can so i ask her if i can late-later tonight after gina goes to bed. either she doesn’t understand or she doesn’t feel like hanging out with me tonight and was trying to be tactful about conveying it because of how the conversation degrades from there.

she responds to me, “no. i’m hanging out with gina tonight.” with the bit of force in her voice. i didn’t know that was supposed to clue me in that she didn’t want to hang out with me tonight [which i wouldn’t have argued if she outrightly told me]. i thought she had just misunderstood me so i tried to ask again.

to which she replied, “no! i’m hanging out with gina tonight. i’ll see you tomorrow *ok*!” i heard the apprehensiveness in her voice. i got the point. i just felt bad for not getting it sooner.

i didn’t want her to get to the point were she sounded exasperated with me. i just took her answers the wrong way. still the moment of damage is done. even though she probably doesn’t care i’ll be obsessing over it all night.

unable to sleep because of all the shit swirling inside me. just like last night. i’m not sleeping nights. i’m not sleeping during the day. i’m not happy. i’m overly sensitive from lack of sleep.

i almost consistently feel like a fuck-up to somebody at any given time. i’m so tired of how plastic so many of my relationships with people are. i just don’t want to do it anymore.

i don’t call anyone anymore and they don’t call me. not that they ever did. the only people i try talking to are zuey, aaron/carrie and peggy. that’s it. i just don’t want to deal with it anymore. i can’t.

so rosie is back in town but i haven’t really hung out or talked to her since the semester ended so i don’t know if we are as good friends as before. i am cursed with having friends i make in college classes only last a semester.

so i didn’t think that things could possibly get that way with rosie because we were so close but as the class ended everything felt off. i feel like i did something wrong to mess things up but i’m not sure what.

i hope to hang out with rosie because i want to see if i’m just being crazy and superstitious about this “curse” or if something is really wrong. i mean i am just not good with people. i mess things up or say or do something horrible and i don’t mean to but i just can’t keep anyone close.

i would be crushed but i can’t fault rosie for not being as close to me as before. if that does happen i’m sure she has a justifiable reason. i really thought what i had with rosie was special. i hope it still is.

jimmyeatworld
“in the same room”
fingers in, listen what voices say. [x2]
you always wrote for me, ego.
risk worth taking risk worth leaving.
seems i'm still afraid of promise, to promise.
too big to stop too big to hold on.
trade up for the fast ride.
trade your friends.
train passes us.
time passes us.
don't move.
be still.
be silent.
pulling your teeth you push away.
cancel plans, cancel them all.
check your breath for cold and hold on.
please hold on.
no pictures left to burn good-bye to.
that smell of ash and white walls blank.
time passes us.
don't move.
be still.
be silent.
horizontal lines and button up.
fingers in, listen what voices say.
the drawers of paper all say one thing.
like music boxes custom made.
time passes us.
don't move.
be still.
be silent.

did it hurt?

2005-08-13T14:22:00.000-07:00

currently listening to : “third eye blind” by third eye blind

so yesterday i went to bed at eight in the morning and got up at ten-thirty in the morning. then i went to breakfast with my brother, father and aaron. we had vietnamese food which i’d never had before and it was good. lots of vegan-type things.

then i went to aaron’s house and we played videogames for a great while. in my attempt to be aloof to zuey i resigned myself not to call her friday. though i wanted to see/hear her i decided that i’d try to seem not stalkery by... you get the idea anyway.

i didn’t call peggy thursday because i didn’t want to call when i was actually really suicidal so i planned on hanging out with her on friday. so around six i called her because i figured she’d be home.

so we decided to hang out after i ate so i went home and made dinner. then i went over to her house and she decided to go to see “broken flowers” so we did...

...following the show we went back to her house and played “mystery mansion”. i hadn’t played it in so long so it was fun. i really dig that game. i then went home because peggy was ready to sleep.

once home i couldn’t sleep. running on no sleep i still couldn’t sleep myself. how long until i can make my romantic intentions known? as long as she’s sad about it all i can do is be a friend. if i can make her feel incrementally happy i feel so much better.

zuey has an ugly laugh. i love it though because it is only when she thinks something is really funny. her way of really laughing at sometime kinda sounds like a horse choking. nonetheless i still feel like a happy baby to hear it. that braying sound is like a chorus of angels to me.

i went to bed at four or five and woke up a few hours later. i took aaron to work after that. now what? i would like to go to the san mateo county fair tonight because “the donnas” are going to be there. we’ll see.

they might be giants
“narrow your eyes”
I don't want to change your mind
I don't want to think about your mind
They say love is blind
I don't think you're blind
You don't want to understand
And I don't want to shake your father's hand
And walk in the sand
And act like a man
I get on the bus
And ride past our stop
And though I'm late
I can't get off
I just can't bear to tell you some lies
And narrow your eyes
Narrow your eyes
We'll take back every thing we said
Split up all the things
and move ahead
Forgot how you said
We'll split the side off the bed
I get on my bike
Ride down our block
Ride through the world
Through the green lights
But when I think of all your advice
I narrow my eyes
narrow my eyes
I don't want to change your mind
I don't want to think about your mind
They say love is blind
I don't think you're blind
I get on the bus
Ride past our stop
And though I'm late
I can't get off
I just can't bear
to tell you some lies
And narrow your eyes
Narrow your eyes
Now let's toast the sad cold fact
Our love's never coming back
And we'll race to the bottom of a glass
So narrow your eyes

still kickin'

2005-08-12T12:12:00.000-07:00

still listening to : “wicked” original cast recording

yesterday i wanted to die. really. all desire, and more importantly, all reason to live had left me. i didn’t feel God inside me. i just felt empty inside.

i felt an absence of hope. i called basically my entire phone book just trying to talk to somebody, anybody but no one was available. or they would be there but talking to them only compounded the feeling they’re not really a friend. i don’t want to depend on them. i couldn’t. they’d only disappoint me.

i tried washing away my sins and strife in the shower. i took such a long shower but i just spend it all crying and thinking of more reasons why i should stop living.

i’ll spare you the whining of my justifications for suicide so just assume you know how i feel and go with that. it doesn’t matter what i say anyway. so after the shower i left the house. if i stayed i would have swallowed every single pill in it.

i went to aaron’s work. i knew aaron would engage my mind. keep me thinking about other things and ignoring my feelings. it worked. i was ok with things. i didn’t want to die at that moment but then at two he went to sleep.

i was back to my horrible thoughts i don’t feel like explaining. i couldn’t go home. i was sure i would kill myself. i wanted to see zuey. it was too late to call.

i felt like i might be dead by morning so i had to see zuey one more time. i started to go but chickened out because i felt so lame. i thought i was crazy to go to her house looking for her at two in the morning. i stopped and just sat in my car watching the stars. it somehow calmed me down and made me feel sadder at the same time...

not shaving is a part of the mopey look

i was using the camera in my car because it would waste time for me to chicken out but it didn’t work. i still wanted to see zuey. i felt like i was dematerializing. so i kept going closer to her.

i chickened out again right before i got to her block. i took a right instead of a left. it was nearly three now. i couldn’t get myself to do it. i stopped and wasted more time looking at the stars sitting on the beach. oh how i wanted to touch zuey so bad.

i was taking a picture and i looked up at the sky and saw a shooting star. i took that as a sign and got back in my car with a steely resolve to see zuey tonight.

i get to her block and i park well down the street from her house to not arouse noise or attention and i crept to her window. i felt like such a weirdo creeping around.

her window is on the second floor so i thought of tossing pebbles but that would have hit her parents’ car below. so i tried jingling my keys and that didn’t work. so i tried the most teen flick idea and just said, “pssshp” in a really loud whisper. it worked.

so she came out not wearing make-up and she looked different but still totally beautiful. she was scrunching her funny little nose and it was heart melting. as soon as i heard her voice my desire to die left me. it was like the “shinin’” episode of the simpsons.

suddenly their was hope inside me. so we spent the night at the park and in my car and just driving around and talking. i told her things no one knows about me. i don’t know why i can’t keep anything back from her.

i went there with the intention to ask her why she couldn’t try loving me and what was her story and all this other stuff but because of something she told me i couldn’t in good intentions question her. i also thought i’d be asking things that didn’t matter because i’d be dead by morning but i didn’t feel like dying i felt like living.

we watched the sun rise as i drove her home and everything was not completely terrible which is like everything wonderful in that moment. this time the bittersweet joy of being with her was a million times better then i felt inside.

i dropped her off and she gave me the smallest hug... or i did to her. anyway i didn’t push my luck. though i wished i could hold her ever after i simply left.

i felt the tug on my soul and heart. the burden of having to leave without her. same as always but this time that hurt came with hope and love and a stirring inside me. everything i was missing before so it wasn’t as bad.

i love her. i really do. i wish things were different for the both of us. i went to bed at nearly eight and woke up at ten-thirty. two and a half hours? oh well, worth it. i lived to see another morning.

well i guess i’ll stop now. i told you that i had taken a photo right before i saw the shooting star that led me to zuey. well i figured i’d show you that photo to end this entry, ta!!

smashing pumpkins
"the everlasting gaze"
you know i'm not dead
now you know where i've been
as you sleep
torn i am
weighted down
patiently
born of love
you know i'm not dead
i'm just living in my head
forever waiting
on the ways of your desire
you always find a way
and thru it all
into us all you move
forgotten touch
forbidden thought
we can never have enough
you know i'm not dead
found below
the creatures scream
stranglehold
a god machine
begging to
tear us out
worn as hope
you know i'm not dead i'm just the tears inside your head
forever waiting
on the ways of your desire
you always find a way
and thru it all into us all you move
forgotten touch
forbidden thought
we can never have enough
you know i'm not dead
we all want to hold in the everlasting gaze
enchanted in the rapture of his sentimental sway
but underneath the wheels lie the skulls of every c.o.g.
the fickle fascination of an everlasting god
you know i'm not dead
i'm just living in my head
forever waiting
forever waiting on cruel death
you know i'm not dead
i'm just living for myself
forever waiting
you know i'm not dead

showie mcshow-show

2005-08-11T20:08:00.000-07:00

listening to : “urban hymns” by the verve

so i went to see “wicked” and it was so awesome i’d call it “wicked” awesome! that would be lame though so i won’t.

so we get to the show and there is just this huge mass of people all going in. so we get in and i have to go to the bathroom and i do that. then we go to our seats. did i mention i was decked out in only black and green in honour of the show. oh i did. that’s pretty lame too, huh?

so the dude told me these were good seats but i had no idea how good. they were on the bottom orchestra level and we were ten rows from the very very front row. not only that but we were basically in the very centre of seats. not exactly but damn near.

so i don’t want to review the show to spare spoiling it for anyone who hasn’t seen it. but i do want to tell about it a bit and i may elude to things so if you want complete purity then don’t read this. as it is i will only reveal what you get from listening to the soundtrack. so if you enjoy the soundtrack i won’t be spoiling anything for you.

first off i loved the show. even though i didn’t think this glinda was as perfect for the show as kristin chenoweth [but she seemed born for the role to me] i still thought it was brilliant. the writing was so sharp and clever. it was funny and full of critiques of human nature. i just thought the book was as double top as the music and lyrics were.

it was so odd to be there watching people sing the songs i’d been singing in my head for months. it was so neat seeing the sets and everything and also seeing how the blocking and dialogue went for each scene and how the songs really fit in the story.

also odd was all the non-principal cast members looked like they were my age. it was kinda sad how little i’ve done with my life and how these peers were all in a successful touring version of a broadway hit. oh well it was all very good.

so i’d never seen “wizard of oz” before. i’d never scene the film version and on stage i’d only seen act one. i know the highlights of the story because of parody [muppets and such] and it is such a pop culture thing that i still got most of the jokes even thought i haven’t seen it.

one thing i wonder about is if the scene where elphaba is dancing with her “smart” hat at the dance and she does the spinning arms movement, i wonder if that she a joke of the origin of how she cast spells in “wizard of oz” but since i never seen it i didn’t know if it was a joke or not.

i loved the show so much. i love how it made me want to see “wizard of oz” and how when scarecrow tells dorothy, he wants “brains” i’ll know what he’s really eluding to and i’ll smile.

i want to talk about everything but it involves all the twists so i can’t. one good thing about the soundtrack is it doesn’t ruin all the best plot twists. a bad thing is that about three or four songs and reprises are kept off to preserve the story. which makes it feel incomplete once you’ve seen the show.

one thing that was funny was when i first saw nessarose i thought it was the girl who was the villain in the tele-show “sabrina the teenage witch”. i remember that was the first thing i said to peggy once the show started and then i checked at intermission and it *was* her. i showed peggy and she told me after that every time she was on [and their were some twists involving her character] she kept thinking the girl from sabrina.

it was all so good and by the end the only question i was asking myself is, “what the hell is it with the pointless mecha-dragon over the stage that only moves twice the whole show?” i still honestly don’t get the point of it and if anyone wants to clue me in.

this really isn’t a review of the show at all but just my thoughts as i was watching it and very out of place even as that. for instance i was just going to talk about the second act of the show.

during the first act there were a few tear-inducing moments. i found the act one finale of “defying gravity” really emotional. and there would be moments where i would be tearing up or beginning to sniffle but i ; being the emotionally retarded macho-type that i am ; was holding it all back. and for the most part i did well, until the second act.

from there i was so invested in the relationship between everyone and the story that i was full on crying during every song. i probably would have been blubbering but the guy to the left of me was not even phased and peggy to my right wasn’t even glassy eyed. so i held back as much as possible. i couldn’t help it though.

i absolutely love all the songs but in the context of the musical it was simply divine! i have a new favourite musical. oh man, it was so so good. there were little issues with staging, voices and such but overall it was just so good.

it’s amazing how so many aspects of the show come together. so i enjoy it on a number of levels. the most enjoyable being the relationship between the two witches.

from their rocky first meeting and utter loathing of each other till when they changed each other “for good”. it was just so beautiful. i’m getting teary-eyed just thinking about it again. it is so odd to see such kindness between friends. such understanding. man! it was so good.

ok well i guess that’s all i can say about it without ruining anything or babbling about nothing for too long. to anyone out there you hasn’t seen the show yet if it ever comes near you, you *have* to go see it. it just might change the way you see the world. it’s that good.

wicked soundtrack
“for good”

ELPHABA
i'm limited just look at me i'm limited
and just look at you
you can do all i couldn't do, glinda
so now it's up to you
for both of us
now it's up to you

GLINDA
i've heard it said
that people come into our lives for a reason
bringing something we must learn
and we are led
to those who help us most to grow
if we let them
and we help them in return
well, i don't know if i believe that's true
but i know i'm who i am today
because i knew you:

like a comet pulled from orbit
as it passes a sun
like a stream that meets a boulder
halfway through the wood
who can say if i've been changed for the better?
but because i knew you
i have been changed for good

ELPHABA
it well may be
that we will never meet again
in this lifetime
so let me say before we part
so much of me
is made of what i learned from you
you'll be with me
like a handprint on my heart
and now whatever way our stories end
i know you have rewritten mine
by being my friend
like a ship blown from its mooring
by a wind off the sea
like a seed dropped by a skybird
in a distant wood
who can say if i've been changed for the better?
but because i knew you

GLINDA
because i knew you

BOTH
i have been changed for good

ELPHABA
and just to clear the air
i ask forgiveness
for the things i've done you blame me for

GLINDA
but then, i guess we know
there's blame to share

BOTH
and none of it seems to matter anymore

GLINDA/ELPHABA
like a comet pulled like a ship blown
from orbit as it off it's mooring
passes a sun, like by a wind off the
a stream that meets sea, like a seed
a boulder, halfway dropped by a
through the wood bird in the wood

BOTH
who can say if i've been changed for the better?
i do believe i have been changed for the better?

GLINDA
and because i knew you

ELPHABA
because i knew you

BOTH
because i knew you
i have been changed for good.

"happy is what happens when all your dreams come true!"

2005-08-09T15:33:00.000-07:00

how lame can i be for listening to this right now : “wicked” original broadway recording.

so i had quite the exciting time but in the end it was worth it because i got tickets for “wicked”. i’m really excited. i’ve been so bummed out lately that i’m really glad something went my way for once. and it almost didn’t.

since i got home from canada i’ve been listening to the “wicked” soundtrack and wanting to see the show really bad. but i’ve been broke and unable to get into the show. i really really really want to see it super bad though.

it started last year in the spring [march or so?] when i went to new york and i wanted to go to all of these shows but i couldn’t because my ex at the time hates musical theatre and the only one i could get her to see on broadway was a disney one.

so we saw “beauty and the beast” and i loved it but i really wanted to see more. “wicked” was one of them. but she even fell asleep during the show we went to see and she would never be down with it.

so now skip to it being announced to tour in san francisco early this year. i told myself i had to go no matter what. but then the pre-sale started when i was paying for a trip i couldn’t afford to go to montréal so i couldn’t do that.

i thought i’d be able to get tickets for my birthday but all the tickets are sold out except for the restricted view ones and even still those are now eighty dollars.

i was so bummed out because i’d driven into san francisco today with a hundred bucks in my pocket to get two tickets for a later date. two of the $35-$40 tickets but they were all gone. i actually started to cry.

the guy was really nice and told me the one possibility was selling me handicapped seats that were really awesome [view and otherwise] but eighty bucks. still they were front and centre seats and so i bit the bullet and bought tickets.

the only problem is they were for tonight’s show. i made plans to hang out with peggy tonight. plus, i didn’t want to go alone but i would if i had to. so i called her and asked her if she wanted to come if i could get her tickets and she said yes.

so i ran from the pay phone back to the box office and tried to use my bank card as credit even thought i didn’t have more then three dollars in it. it didn’t work and the guy working looked really worried about me and told me if i could get here in a few minutes it’d still be here.

i told him i had to go back to my other bank because i didn’t have a bank card. he said they were only two seats left so it probably would be gone but i told him i was going to try.

so then i rushed back to san bruno and went to my other bank and waiting in the line and got the cash and then i rushed back to san francisco. i parked illegally in front of a cop on a motorbike in front of the orpheum theatre. he was busy talking to this guy so i scurried around him.

i go back to the box office and the guy isn’t there. now this girl is there. i stay calm and ask her about the seat and she says tonight is all gone. i am trying to explain the situation to this girl but she is not helping and then the guy who i cried to who was super helpful and who helped me out just at that moment walked past and saw my worried face and told her how to open up the handicapped seats.

he talked her thru selling me the ticket. it isn’t right next to me because that was sold but it was the one next to it. the very last ticket! she told me i was incredibly lucky and all this junk. but i felt it. i was so happy.

i’m so glad i didn’t wait for my birthday. i decided i was worried about it selling out so i took out cash from my college account [the other bank that i’d been to twice today] because i figured that i could just put the money back when my birthday rolled around on the twenty-first of this month.

so now i’m hours away from going to finally see “wicked” which i’ve been trying to see for so so long. what a wonderful day and night this will be. i hope the cast is as good as the original broadway cast.

most of all i am worried about ephaba and glinda ; with special notice to glinda. she was so perfect at making good seem... not so good, i hope it is a good cast. oh! but i’m so excited.

third zuey-centric entry in a row

2005-08-08T15:33:00.000-07:00

licking my wounds to : sad jimmyeatworld b-sides

i can’t sleep. i can’t think about not zuey. i’m in full obsession mode. every breath and thought and feeling pertains to her in some way. i said last time i wanted to consume her but without knowing it she’s consuming me. my life.

i feel odd about calling her house because no one ever picks up the phone and she said to just call a lot till someone picks up but i don’t want to bother because her dad is crazy.

i called about ten times just now and her dad answered. i asked and he said that she wasn’t home but he stumbled. he was going to say something else so she’s probably still sleeping. odd. i wonder if he’ll give her the message.

i want to at least talk to her again. i feel sick about the way i’m obsessing but i can’t seem to help this. she’s got me hooked. ugh. she is cooler the more i see her. i cry so much everyday now and i don’t know why. i just know zuey is key to everything inside me.

on another topic i have been really odd about friends since canada. i guess i’m just tired of how i have to make things happen. i rarely ; if ever ; get asked to do anything.

it is always me saying, “lets go out” “can you hang?” “are you free?” and all that. it sucks. i just want to be invited to things once in a while. it’s funny because i haven’t been calling people like normally so i haven’t heard from anyone since i got back. except for aaron, zuey and sarah.

if i don’t call any of my friends then i don’t see them and they just hang out with their other friends or do whatever it is they do but it’s ok. that’s odd to me. to be such a forgettable conclusion.

my birthday is coming up in thirteen days. normally it is a huge deal because i work really hard to make them these really awesome parties with as many people as i can muster but i just don’t have the heart to try to endear myself to these people.

all my friends know about it but i doubt anyone is going to do anything. well that’s not wholly true. aaron will probably get me a present. i’m sure other people will mention it in passing. no one’s going to really do anything though.

oh well. i probably sound so whiny. so “sixteen candles”. “i’m just a girl”. man, i can be lame sometimes. i’m so... ok. not horrible but sad. but it feels totally normal to be this depressed.

i know what i want for my birthday. more then everything else in the universe. more then anything or anyone else... i want zuey.

jimmy eat world
“roller queen”
i blame it on my entrance.
it may have seen too much
like confidence.
let me start it over.
help me get to what i can
from when i did.
had to leave my reasons.
it may have seemed too much,
the consequence.
in your busy, dizzy life
you'll become everything
you said you would.
all that i know
is how i can hold on
but all that you see
is how i let you go.
how about once around?

...hours not enough

2005-08-04T07:07:00.000-07:00

listening to : my heart beating in syncopated longing...

this is my diary. i write in it as such and despite all that i do what i want in it. but i am sorry beforehand for how completely lame my lamenting is going to sound to anyone but me.

so i just got home from spending twelve hours with zuey. it was so wonderful and i really just wanted it to never end. it was so hard breaking the umbilical. i cried the whole drive home.

i should probably get some sleep and all. i also haven't had a proper meal in a while. but i just wanted to express myself so i have any chance of sleeping instead of lying in bed pondering zuey.

i want for her to be us so bad. it makes my insides ache the longing and desire for us to be true. i don't know if she'll ever see me as more then a friend. which just eats me up inside because i love even being just her friend.

i just am so bummed out by what doesn't work between us i want to grab her and ask, "why can't i feel this good without you? why do i want to be close to you as much as possible?" "why can't you think of me like i think of you?"

but i know i can't do that. i can't ask those pointless questions and i can't pursue what she already clearly stated is out of my limits. i don't want to risk her not being able to consider me a friend because even being just a friend allows me these moments that i never want to end.

things are really great between us and it kills me that i want to challenge that. that i want more. but i do. i do. right now i'm crying. when i talk to anyone about zuey i end up in tears. even on my weblog!

it hurts me so much that this is the way things must be. when i touch her skin she doesn't feel the dizzying heights of a heart aflutter the way i feel when i touch her.

i selfishly fantasize about consuming her and letting her be digested by me. so i could have her inside me making me strong and warm. my acids can eat away at her until she is only cells and they can infuse to my body binding us together. i selfishly deign myself as a part of her and her of me.

it hurts so much. being torn away by time together. i was just with her... able to touch, talk, smell and taste her. the wounds are so fresh. i should sleep. somehow. i end on the thought that *nothing* hurts like unrequited love. that's for you zuey, if you ever read this for some reason. i truly believe that.

billy corgan
"walking shade"
look at ya now
look at ya
torn estates
took forever
couldn't wait on words, on sound
i just want you so
you're everything, so cold
the perfume of your rose in bloom
i just want you so
anywhere i go
the chase, the bells below
taken from my soul
on the 9th day god created shame
i'm out walking shade
to brush these fires aside
to calm the rising fight
to build you a new life
should you choose
i've picked the best for you
it's your turn and my time to test
i'll second guess the rest
look at ya now
look at ya
nothin's faced
took advantage of my faith and called me out
i just want you so
you're everything i'm told
dumb enough to scold this tongue
i just want you so
anywhere i go
a kingdom for your rain
a pocket for your soul
i just want you so
you're everything although
the risk is getting close to you
i'm out walking shade
the sun is going out
the word is getting round
that i just want you so

wound...

2005-08-02T17:55:00.000-07:00

currently listening to : "the future embrace LP" by billy corgan

right now my mouth is dead. i just got a cavity filled and it is so numb. the filling hurt but now i just have nothing left. numb. like the rest of me?

speaking of which i tried calling zuey. i think i'll try again. i want to hang out with her. but we'll see if that is possible. hopefully.

putting my montréal trip diary into weblog form is taking longer then i thought because for one thing i haven't been computerizing it. i just haven't been still long enough to write it.

the billy corgan album is really awesome. i'm really digging it. it's so melodramatic and grind-y and industrial all at the same time. but in a really good way. kudos to billy for making magical music again.

so i finished potter number six and it was so great. it was the first one to make me cry. it was so well done. so hard to handle. i read it in about six hours. i started yesterday and have been picking at it every so often till i finished it this afternoon in tears. i want someone to talk about it with.

i probably would have finished it last night but i got a call from sarah to hang out. it was cool we hung out a few hours but after i was so tired i went to bed when i got home around one or two.

i hung out with my brother and aaron as well since getting back. i want to talk to dave, izzy, sofia, dylan, c.w. and christine about hanging out. i want to try being friends with zuey. i don't know if she'll trust me. y'know? to *just* be friends... oh well. i will try.

i was just checking in on y'all letting you know how i'm doing. take care everyone. hope to see you around but i must be going. people to see. perhaps? who knows? love and lollies, ta!!

ozma
"lately"
lately my world's been coming down
and lately i've needed you around
lately my love's been on the ground
and lately i've needed you around
i've always needed you
i've pledged my love so true
stuck on another lovely
stuck on the other lovely
stuck on another lovely girl
lately my love's been so benign
and lately i've wanted you for mine
lately you've been oh so unkind
and lately things haven't fell in line
i've always needed you
i've pledged my love so true
oh my girl
i love you so
stuck on another lovely
stuck on the other lovely
stuck on another lovely girl
where is my only one
when i'm the lonely one?
stuck on another lovely girl
my girl

a peek at me

2005-07-18T11:11:00.000-07:00

listening : "give up LP" by the postal service

hello there. i figured i'd show you this e-mail my mum sent me because i thought it was sweet and made me miss me mum a bit. i wonder what she thinks i'm running away from?

oh well, and following the bit she wrote is the reply i sent to her. i figured it would be good because even though i have all the intimate details of my life i haven`t written them on the computer and i probably won`t until i get back from montréal.

so my reply is a bit of a peek into how i'm doing. hope you are well, take care, ta!!

--- Original Message ---
Hi Jonathan. I am here thinking of you.
Como esta el Canada?
Please write me soon.
You know that I love you we just have to be patience with each other.
Love Mom
------------------------
--------my reply--------
hi mum. it is fricking hot up here. i am burning up. i am safe. it is lovely here but i am poor. i'm figuring out ways to do all that i can.

i love you too. i try to be patient. it happens. oh well. everything is good though for the most part. i wish i could afford to go to the theme parks and musées and such. i have to wait for everything to have a free day.

also, i am renting an apartment. my plans got kinda screwy and so instead of being a guest at this place for students i am a tenent. all that means is i have my own room but i am paying more money. sucks.

i was thinking of playing guitar in the streets in front of busy places to earn a little extra money. also i sneak and haggle and bargin for everything so i sqeeze all i can out of the few dollars i have.

i am really enjoying everything though and even being hungry and suffering once in a while is worth is to be away in another country. i get to speak french daily. just a bit but it's something.

tell brendan and tia brenda hello for me. life is supposed to be an adventure and i am living it. i'd send you a postcard or something but it is almost a dollar for postage to the states. so just e-mail me and i'll try to e-mail back when i can.

i hope everything is well at home. take care and i love you and will see you all in just two weeks. then we can eat. it'll be a blast, i like eating. love ya!!

\jonathan
-------------------------

punk rock review?

2005-07-17T00:12:00.000-07:00

listening to : "so jealous" by tegan and sara

wow! an actual new entry. straight from montréal to you. lucky you. i am fine but i have a whole diary of personal experience that i am going to digitize when i get back home so wait for that. this is just for a review of a film i saw yesterday. see ya and take care, ta!!

---"live freaky! die freaky!"---
click on the name to go to their imdb page.
click here for the official site.
read below for my review...

"live freaky! die freaky!" is interesting because i am glad that i saw it but i don’t think it’s very good. i mean it doesn’t seem like it aspired to be much and in that sense it is accomplished. i just feel everything could have been done better.

i don’t know if it will be in the official non-festival release ; the running time was padded by a funny for all the wrong reasons short about teaching a down syndrome girl how to use a sanitary napkin. it was in pretty poor taste but i guess that was just the set-up so that anyone who was going to be offended would leave early.

and even before that the film’s director had a pre-recorded message sent to us saying how awesome we were for being the first festival to show it and how all the american festivals were *scared* to show it. he said one funny thing, which was, "thank you canada for having the balls and the clit to show this".

so my issue with that film wasn’t that it was so offensive but how shallow it felt at times. i felt a lot of the shock value was only show and all the political messages were burdened by being in a lazy script. that’s not to say i didn’t laugh a lot. it’s just not a consistent thing.

in fact a lot of the film dragged. every scene kinda felt it was dragging even though they were so short and the overall feature felt longer then it was. the cast of voices was all punk, all the time. but the problem with that is that the quality of the voices varied and was really inconsistent. recording at houses and on tour buses isn’t the best way to make something if you want to be taken more seriously.

in case you don’t know the film is about charles manson and his family, the sharon tate murders and helter skelter. there is barely a story though. i see a story in there and i see political inclinations but what was executed was just a shell of all the ideas.

i’m still glad i saw it, as it is something that people should see. i understand why it wasn’t at any major festivals though. it just isn’t good enough. i think it is perfect for a very niche crowd and when the dvd comes out i’m sure will live on for a long while.

good not great ; if it’s your thing and your not easily offended ; but it should be seen at least once if you are interested at all or you like all those punk bands. that is my final word.

my so-called absconding

2005-07-09T05:55:00.000-07:00

hullo there. even though i got this from “ghost world” i don’t want to keep it from ya’ll. i will let you know where i am running away to. i’m off to montreal for the rest of the month so i don’t know how much i’ll be online and updating things and all that rubbish i typically do. i’ve got three hundred dollars american so wish me luck with food and housing. i love you all loads and hope to see tons of messages when i check. yup, all that lot.

so to give you something to fill out for me this is a quiz. what makes it special is that i wrote it and thought of all the questions. i had to do something tonight since i couldn’t sleep. the reason there are 222 questions is that two is my favourite number and 22 was too few questions and 2222 was more then i had the time to think up.

i hope you’ll do it and either send it back to me or leave it as a comment in the blog-y comment thingie. take care and know i love you and hope we get together soon, now on with the quiz...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~favourites [1-179]~~~
[even though i’m sure that there are millions of answers you have to commit to just one. really! just do it! we all know this doesn’t define you as a person or even your taste but just the first thing you think of when the question is posed]

film : “garden state”
filmmaker : wes anderson
actor : bill murray
actress : natalie portman
song : “lying dressed” jimmyeatworld
band/musician : jimmyeatworld
singer : zooey deschanel
album : “kid a” radiohead
food : mediterranean/middle eastern/indian [i can count them all as about the same right?]
hot food : fried chicken [since i’m vegan i haven’t had it in five or so years]
cold food : hummus with anything
meal : hamburger and fries
potato chip : jalapeño kettle chips.
pizza topping : green bell peppers.
pizza : everything except pineapple and anchovies
cereal : optimum zen from “trader joe’s”
oil : e.v.o.o. [that’s extra virgin olive oil to you who don’t know]
condiment : barbecue sauce [just beating out hot sauce]
salad dressing : blue cheese
gelatin flavor : strawberry or whatever green is cuz of colour.
chocolate : dark
candy : red vines
candy bar : fast break
non-alkie drink : orange juice
alkie drink : sweet red wines
soda : coke cola classic.
beer : ick. beer is totally gross to me.
hot drink : hot cocoa
tea : earl grey
vegetable : oh man, that is so hard but i guess i choose chick peas.
animal [for eating] : chicken. damn, chicken is tasty. especially fried chicken.
mineral : scheelite. it looks so pretty under short wave uv light. it looks like a constellation, really!
magazine : “premiere”
online magazine : www.thesmokinggun.com
online weblog : http://theskyisgorgeous.blogspot.com
book : “le petit prince” antoine de st-exupéry
novelette : “shop girl” steve martin
author : douglas adams
graphic novel piece : “ghost world” daniel clowes
graphic novel series : “harvey pekar” harvey pekar
graphic novel author : daniel clowes
online comic series drama : www.catandgirl.com
online comic series humour : www.whiteninjacomics.com
comic strip current : “pearls before swine” stephan pastis
comic strip discontinued : “peanuts” charles shultz [calvin and hobbies would be here if i allowed two though because they are basically tied for being the greatest ever!]
cartoonist : charles shultz
online comic non series : www.explodingdog.com
play : “hamlet” ~william shakespeare
play one act : “picasso at the lapin agile” ~steve martin
playwright : william shakespeare
broadway musical : “a chorus line”
off-broadway musical : “hedwig and the angry inch”
film musical : “phantom of the opera” 2004
artist : vincent van gogh
art piece : “the starry night” vincent van gogh
television show : “home movies”
television talk show : “late night with conan o’brien”
talk show host : conan o’brian
television channel : g4tech tv
sketch comedy : anything with michael ian black
made for tele film : “the langoliers”
sport to play : exact same as below. good ol’ footie!
sport to watch live : football [i mean soccer for all you lame-o’s.]
sport to watch on tele : same as above
person ever : andy kaufman
person you know : rosie [i just met zuey and even though i put her name first i decided i should go with someone i’ve known more then a day]
person to talk to : zuey
person to talk online with : emily
person to jamb with : c.w.
classical era : baroque [1600 - 1750] [romantic era : 1825-1900 nearly won but what can i say?]
composer : ludvig van beethoven
musical piece : “sonata no. 14 in c-sharp minor, op. 27, no. 2” by beethoven
online friend resource : www.myspace.com
website : www.imdb.com
message board : www.craigslist.org/pen
band message board : http://bbs.jimmyeatworld.com/
domesticated animal : cat
animal in the wild, land : mountain lion
animal in the wild, sea : deep sea jellyies
animal that may not exist : missing link/bigfoot [i still love you nessie]
what’s your favorite marsupial : is a duckbilled platypus one? if so, that one.
circus animal : tiger
insect : caterpillar/butterfly
imaginary creature : unicorn! [maybe next year liger]
mythological creature : those wicked-awesome dragons that knights had to battle
colour in general : green
colour crayon : sparkly glitter-silver
hair colour : very dark black
eye colour : green
skin colour : i admit i tend to be partial to pale milky white
car colour : light-ish green
car : anything hybrid
flower : green glitter mums
tree : willows
stand up comedian : michael ian black
comedian : brendon small
song and dance entertainer : andy kaufman
city you’ve lived in : san francisco
city : new york
country : united states [not that i dislike any of them]
hemisphere : gotta be the northern one
planet : earth has been real good to me
solar system : whatever ours is called
galaxy : milky way
dimension : the third one
article of clothing : coats
type of outfit : classy suits
brand of clothing : cheap thrift shop things
school subject : film
foreign language : french
time of day : night
phase of the moon : full
solar phenomena : total eclipse of the sun
atmosphere phenomena : aurora borealis
astrological feature : starry nights
constellation : ursa minor [it looks like a kite on a string]
unexplained phenomena : e.v.p. [that’s electronic voice phenomena, don’t ’cha know]
word : melancholy
curse : titty
phrase : “those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” ~george santayana
quote : “i haven't failed, i've found 10,000 ways that don't work.” ~thomas edison
line from a film : "my body is the earth, but my head is in the stars." ~maude from “harold and maude”
line from a musical : “for the first time i feel... wicked!” ~elphaba from wicked
line from a play : “why isn't love enough?” ~alice from “closer”
line from a book : “the ships hung in the air as bricks don’t.” ~hitchhicker’s guide to the galaxy
euphemism for masturbating : wanking
gender : female
gender for relationships, platonic : female
gender for relationships, romantic : female
gender for sexual gratification : female
greek god : hecate
chinese god : yuan-shi-tian-zong. come on he was made from pure chi. i’m all about the chi.
roman god : neptune [diana, venus and apollo were considered]
norse god : odin. cuz he’s the big cheese but i mainly chose him because i couldn’t decide between ragnarok or baldur.
egyptian gods : min. the god of lettuce and sex. really!
oceanic god : aku-aku. god of dead loved ones. aww.
religion : all of them but if i had to choose one it’d be christianity.
clothing store : thrift shops
grocery store : albertsons
electronics store : best buy
bulk store : cosco
misc. store : target
mall store : suncoast
stripmall store : eb games
toy store : toys r’ us
restaurant : “millennium” in san francisco
type of restaurant : all vegan menu ones
physical thing you first notice : face
body part : breasts
eye colour : green
hair colour : raven jet black
skin colour : pale milky white
male crush : colin firth
female crush : zooey deschanel
sexual position : umm... on the bottom i suppose
number : two [2]
letter : “x” it reminds me of space or science fiction in general.
place to be : in the arms of a loved one
day of the year : the ones i feel loved
day of the week : saturday
date of a month : the twenty-second cuz it’s my favourite number twice and it’s a palindrome and so on]
month :
age : being twenty was a great year. best so far.
season : winter
shoes : converse high-tops
holiday : all holidays. they’re great.
perfume/cologne : no. never.
card game : texas hold-em
video game : shenmue series
computer game : ultima online
past time : being with loved ones
thing to do on the weekend : socializing
teacher : melvin zucker
childhood toy : ninja turtles figures
childhood television show : teenage mutant ninja turtles
childhood film : “disney’s the little mermaid”
carnival game/ride : carousel
four letter word : love
smell : friends and lovers [i know all my friends by their smells and i tied my feelings toward them to that so that the more i love someone the more their “smell” makes me happy. make sense?]

~~~firsts [180-222]~~~
[this is a bunch of firsts to the best of your memory. if you can’t remember the first first then just the first you remember and if you’d never done it before then just mention you’re not applicable]

memory : crying. i remember the crying.
remembered thought : hunger. for love, attention, milk... just remember feeling hungry.
enemy : i don’t remember hating anyone other then myself. i guess i am my first enemy.
fight : beating people up in sixth grade for making fun of me.
crush : natalie portman
love : parents... i suppose that bond that babies have for their caretakers would be called “love” right? that dependence.
true love: they are all true and monumentally important to me.
crush : i forget, either stacy or eric
getting your heart broken : the first one. i really don’t remember but i’m sure it was someone i was close to decided they didn’t want to be friends with me anymore.
boyfriend/girlfriend : elizabeth
serious boyfriend/girlfriend : elizabeth
best friend : elizabeth
friend : michael
best friend : hmm... i guess elizabeth
kiss and age : probably my mum and i was zero
having sex : eighteen, she wasn’t yet though. hmm...
partner : it was elizabeth.
time going to the cinema : “batman” when i was five. my mum always tells the story of how really loudly in the theatre i yelled, “where’s robin” at one point and the whole audience laughed.
going to a play : “charlie and the chocolate factory” when i was six.
musical : i don’t exactly remember so it may be “oliver” when i was fifteen.
dvd : “city of angels”
book : stories about owl by arnold lobel
magazine : i got a subscription to “nintendo power”
album/cd : “jungle fever” by stevie wonder
cassette tape [audio] : stories about woodland. came with my mother goose lamp/tape deck.
vhs : ninja turtles cartoon. the one with the first episode.
tattoo : tattoo of potato
piercing : left ear lobe
time dying my hair : eighth or ninth
formal dance : senior year of high school.
time breaking a bone : never
first trip to the emergency room : for me it was when we had to take my father there because of an accident. but for me personally it was once when i was really sick from chemotherapy and they had to keep me there overnight and give me antibiotics and such until i just got admitted to the actual hospital in the morning.
time getting really sick : ninth grade, cancer
internet service provider : i had aol but in ‘94 or ‘95
login/screen name : augmino or fishsticks back when i had aol [don't remember which one was first though]
concert : i think "the cure" if you don't count sesame street, ninja turtles, or disney on ice as a concert.
award : memorizing and performing the “gettysberg address” in the second grade.
sport you joined : baseball.
pet : goldfish named after star wars characters.
vacation : disneyland.
country visited [other then birthplace] : canada, when i was still zero.
religion : atheist
political affliation : i was a communist first. it’s what made the most hypothetical sense, but in practice never works out i learned.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...well that is all for the quiz. thank you for reading and learning some more about me. i hope that you will do the same for me and answer them back. see you when i see you i suppose, ta!!

Lisa Loeb
“Everyday”
Goodbye my love I am going
I am slowing you down.
I can feel you stop
breathing when I come around,
I'm slowing you down.
Everyday Everyday
Everyday Everyday
Love turns it's back
just to stand in my way.
Goodbye my love
You don't get me,
You don't let me inside.
You once held me close
when you wanted to hide.
You pulled me in close
just to push me aside.
Goodbye.
Everyday Everyday
Everyday Everyday
Love turns it's back
just to stand in my way.
Goodbye my love
I'm going away,
I know you won't
follow me far.
Once I went out
just to look at the stars.
I asked you to join me,
but you were too tired.
I wanted you to see them too.
How could I let myself need you?
Everyday Everyday
Everyday Everyday
Goodbye my love
I am going I am slowing you down
I can feel you stop
breathing when I come around.
I'm slowing you down.
EverydayEveryday
EverydayEveryday
love turns it's back just to stand in my way.

my fat ex and my p.m.s.

2005-07-08T20:08:00.000-07:00

currently listening to : "the dresden dolls LP" by the dresden dolls

so i was actually glad the other day that i wasn't it my ex. i'd always been ok with it but now i was actually happy about it. the reason is horrible. i had a camera and i finished it off so that i could get it printed because it wasn't digital. so i took photo's of stuff to finish it off.

when i got it back i found out that was from my ex elizabeth's camping trip. i saw a picture of her without the love fogging my sight and she was fat...

ugh

...i feel bad that the reason i am really happy about it is that i got away from someone fat. i did love her, so much i didn't even see the fat. i would have spent my life with her but she really was lazy and let herself go. i mean she was a size zero when we met.

i don't know. i should stop talking, i probably sound so dumb and vain. so these are some of the pictures i took to waste the film...

not much better

...no flash is bad. plus, my scanner is really terrible. i mean it works but that is it. so these are all the photo's. i don't have much to say about them so just check it out...

takes such good photos

the city i live in

my car's bumper stickers

my potato tattoo

jedi jonathan

my torso and aaron's tele

headless feast

...the last one is the picture i took because i wanted one of those photos where the flash replaces the head. so i took one. i tried to make it look like my hands had something to do with my head exploding.

ok, so enough photography, i am out. i am on my last day. and i am also having my male-equivelent monthly emotional cycle flux. or as aaron says it, i'm "on my rag." i am so touchy today.

i went out with my father and brother even though i didn't want to go out anywere. i was trying to be nice but i found myself getting a bit snappy about things. a bit sassier. i figure since i wouldn't see my brother for a while i'd force spending time.

my mum later was being mean and just getting on me with her comments. i tried to be quiet and just not say anything because it might be mean but she kept picking on me. my mum and i don't get along well typically and so we stay at a very surface relationship.

we talk but nothing personal. just very bland and faceless comments and even those are still hard. my mum is all latina and so everything sounds like annoyed yelling. i know it's also that i'm being sensitive, that said, i still can't wait for tomarrow to come.

i guess that is all for now. take care and i hope you have a lovely saturday. i know mine will be full of activity. love you all, ta!!

the arcade fire
"Neighborhood #3 (Power Out)"
I woke up with the power out,
not really something to shout about.
Ice has covered up my parents hands
don't have any dreams don't have any plans.
I went out into the night,
I went out to find some light.
Kids are swingin' from the power lines,
nobody's home, so nobody minds.
I woke up on the darkest night,
neighbors all were shoutin' that they found the light.
("We found the light")
Shadows jumpin' all over my walls
some of them big, some of them small.
I went out into the night.
I went out to pick a fight with anyone.
Light a candle for the kids,
Jesus Christ don't keep it hid!
Ice has covered up my parents hands
don't have any dreams don't have any plans.
Growin' up in some strange storm,
nobody's cold, nobody's warm.
I went out into the night,
I went out to find some light.
Kids are dyin' out in the snow,
look at them go, look at them go!
And the power's out in the heart of man,
take it from your heart put in your hand.
What's the plan?
Is it a dream? Is it a lie?
I think I'll let you decide.
Just light a candle for the kids,
Jesus Christ don't keep it hid!
Cause nothin's hid, from us kids!
You ain't foolin' nobody with the lights out!
And the power's out in the heart of man,
take it from your heart put in your hand.
And there's something wrong in the heart of man,
you take it from your heart and put it in your hand!
Where'd you go?!

just a brief blurb

2005-07-06T02:22:00.000-07:00

listening to : the clacking of the keys on the keyboard as i type

so i am spending the night at aaron's house. it wasn't my plan but he asked me to take him to work tomarrow morning since i am here anyway. what am i doing here? well this is what happened.

so i made dinner. which was simply some pinto beans in corn tortillas. then i watched stella. stella on comedy central. it is the best. it is something i am excited about. it makes me excited about television. i haven't been this way since "home movies" was on the air. it is so neat to have a show i really love. something to look forward to. man, it really is sad to have it be a television show. oh well.

so i saw the latest episode and it was fantabulous. scrumbetiolus! everything good about humour is in this show. i think everyone in the world who watches television should watch this.

so after that i went to aaron's house because i wanted to play animal crossing. i let him borrow my gamecube and the game and he is using my memory card and so he is using my town of stupenza. so i wanted to play the game because i am still there and i now have two people to interact with.

there is a task i have to do to clear weeds out of the town since it hasn't been played in so long but only between the hours of one and three in the morning. so i am going to go to take care of that now. hold on...

...

...hmm, since this is a post that didn't have to be written. or this either. but now i need that to qualify this so... they both cancel each other out and stay in my entry. huzzah, what joy. ok so let me tell you how it went. i couldn't find the ghost. i guess he couldn't come out tonight.

so i came over after stella to play the game and before aaron went to sleep he asked me to take him. so now i am here staying the night. that is all. i am only talking about stella and animal crossing in this entry. a television show and a videogame. what a lame-o i am.

oh well, at least my mood is good. everyone take care. i'm going to play more animal crossing before getting to sleep. to everyone i will nothing but good. see y'all around. love ya, ta!!

ben folds five
"video"
barren stares as they light up the screen
bearing teardrops that shatter in slow-motion
novocaine our brains and we're out like lights
but as i'm growing older i'm bored
i remember when misery thrilled me much more
when i can't relax
and i'd like to go back
but that's gone
yeah, that's gone, turn around
turn the volume down
we're counting the days down
'til the day when we live in a video
i'll be stone-faced and pale
you'll pout in stereo
24 hours every day of the year
oh, what fun i can't wait 'til the future gets here
closing in on the pain and the torture
he's slamming the doors like it's something to strive for
the girl tearing the curtains down looks funny as hell
and a sense of humor can there be any doubt
now that natural selection just weeded it out
used to keep me from laughing out loud
but that's gone
we don't think that way no more
that's gone, turn around, turn the volume down
we're counting the days down
'til the day when we live in a video
i'll be stone-faced and pale
you'll pout in stereo
24 hours every day of the year
oh, what fun i can't wait 'til the future gets here
well i've seen some old friends sort of die
or just turn into whatever
must've been inside them
and whatever all of us had then in common
grew up and left home
we don't think that way no more
turn around, turn the volume down
we're counting the days down
'til the day when we live in a video
i'll be stone-faced and pale
you'll pout in stereo
24 hours every day of the year
oh, what fun i can't wait 'til the future gets here

freedom and independence

2005-07-05T20:08:00.000-07:00

currently listening to : “the dresden dolls LP” by the dresden dolls

hello there. so i’d written something on saturday or sunday or something but i ending up not finishing it i guess because it never got posted so here it is. in the biz this is called burning off the excess...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
currently listening to : “mezmerize LP” by system of a down

that is a really good album. easily my favourite album by them. i wish it would bring the metal more and be harder but it is so creatively and cleverly done i don’t mind. man oh man, it is good.

so last night we did the whole thing at the lan cafe. it was fun but the computers were old and so they sorta sucked. we could play battlefield 2 but only with everything on the lowest setting. here are photo’s of us being super dorky...

aaron at the lan cafe

me also lan-ing

...well that was fun, eh? so after that i went to aaron’s house and while he played ps2 i was online doing... not much honestly. just kinda caught up with things.

then his girlfriend came home and aaron kicked me off the computer. it was fine because i brought my guitar just in case i had nothing to do i could practice.

i played a bunch of old songs from the sixties and eighties. it was loads of fun. carrie [the girlfriend] sang along with me. it was really funny how into singing “you give love... a bad name!” she was. in that corny husky voice. good times indeed.

then i left and got peggy and we went out to a pub. that was fun. ca
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...ok well i got that knocked off, eh? so here i am to comment on my past. mood? well, i guess i’m getting excited. the week is almost over. i watched “ghost world” again. it is so good. so so good. i completely forgot how my plans to run off to canada i first got from “ghost world”. it’s funny.

so i am very excited about bits i’m still keeping under wraps but not for long. on july fourth here in the states we all celebrate our independence and freedom and such. so what did i do?

well at the start of the day i went with aaron to his father’s house to a barbecue. it was funny because the whole time i was there ; which was all day ; all i ate was grilled bell peppers, a cob of corn and two cans of coke. being the only vegan was amusing. in that hungry for variety way.

so using our forefathers freedom aaron and i watched classic “twilight zone” because there was a marathon on sci-fi channel. that is it. we didn’t socialize with anyone. aaron just went for the ribs and potato salad.

so then at seven i picked up peggy and we went into san francisco to the “hotel utah” and i signed up to play. then we sat and watched acts play. dylan just sorta came super late. so i sat with peggy and drank a lot of water while she downed bud lights.

we watched all the cool mix of people get up and play. there was one dude who got up and played the hendrix version of the national anthem and from up on the top floor where we were this other guy was flipping him off...

flipping off the national anthem

...it is funny because he’s this heavy guy and in the photo you can see the grease on his hands because he was eating all these ribs and fries. i took a picture of him while he was doing stand up...

heavyset drunk who flipped

...he was so inebriated. i loved his act though. funny as sin he was. he act like most was a huge critique of bush. everyone was celebrating today with a sneer and sarcasm. i haven’t heard the word “freedom” used so sardonically ever.

so while everyone was attacking our country i was watching in awe. to hear their disdain of america was one thing but to hear them make it sound as if we were worse then other countries was mad. i personally don’t think any nation is better or worse then any other. frankly, all the shit seems smeared alike but i don’t go about screaming hypocrisies. oh well, here is a photo of me when peggy was testing out my camera...

peggy testing the cam

...she sucks with technical things so she wanted to practice so she could take pictures while i played. she ended up not understanding how to use my camera anyway. but she was able to take two photos.

so dylan went up for his half-hour and did rather well. the bass parts in the songs were mostly well within my range. i have to remember to tell him that. i have to call him. or myspace or something. anyway so he did rather well.

then it was my turn and i went up and i played. i never mentioned this before but chris kehoe makes me really nervous. not in general or in conversation or anything but when i am doing music stuff. he critiques me harshly. not to be helpful or anything but in a mockery way. just making fun of me to others. only commenting for the sake of a joke.

so i choke when i have to play in front of him because i think about him judging me. so then i do bad. and i think about him judging me for doing bad and i get worse. i just start spinning. cycling all the negatives.

so it was hard to see under the lights but i could clearly see him watching me and it drove me batty. so i started into “o girlfriend” and i was playing too fast and my throat was all lumpy and i couldn’t hit simple notes.

i ruined the song and i felt terrible. i was shaking and i couldn’t think about anything. all i saw was chris. it sucked. i just felt everything that could go wrong going wrong...

ruining my self-esteem

...then there were two song that i just started playing. i did next “hey jude” and dylan played drums with me on it. he just said, “can i drum?” and everything was shite already anyway what did i care? man, i did really bad with this one as well and people were boo-ing me. for the first time i was booed...

butchering “hey jude”

...i was also mocked. they made fun of my voice. they hooted and all that. i had never been heckled before but people were yelling at me while i was ruining the songs. my self-esteem died.

i started to feel terrible. i got mean as well. in between songs i was yelling back and being really self-deprecating and mean to myself. i really beat myself up on stage.

my last song was supposed to be my contextual one. i did the star spangled banner. i can pull it off but with my nerves and feelings and voice at the depths they were i got nothing done well. i think my guitar playing was passable during it but my voice was so off.

i don’t have a picture of that song because peggy got too lost but i guess that is just as well. oh man. when i finished i said, “thank you, you’ve been a terrible audience. i think i’ll go weep in the corner if you need me.” i am a ; normally ; super nice person so i am amazed that i was so mean to my audience. i’m really not like it.

it only gave me more fodder to beat myself up. i got peggy and we left. i went back to her house and we played music. i washed away all the negative by looking thru a guitar songbook and playing songs on guitar all night while we both sang along. it was good.

i went home feeling better and i even slept in an all right mood. even though all day i didn’t eat a thing, well, barely. i slept. then tuesday i woke up excited. i had “stella” to look forward to. that’s sad isn’t it? being excited cuz of a show on the tele. oh well.

so that’s all for now. i let aaron borrow my gamecube, animal crossing, zelda, twin snakes and three memory cards. also one controller. just so i don’t forget at the end of the month.

i end it now. goodnight. or whatever time of day you read this. “ghost world” equals ennui. that’s just how it is. i can totally relate though. i love you, i hope you are well. it just really hit me how much i give a shit what kendra thinks of me. i leave you with that curious comment, ta!!

third eye blind
“faster”
those horny and burned out
now is how it always ends for me
and chemicals wearing me
down in your summertime
bacchanalian
i saw her go faster than the morning comes
she walks away like a lady
it's always the fallen ones i think
are always gonna save me
i want to go
faster whoa
i wanna get off one time and not apologize
whoa i've gotta steal the time
of a life that's passing by
and then she flexes her knees
to try and abate the feeling
she mouths the words 'please'
to the poster on the ceiling
i want to go faster and right in front of me
she stares at him so madly
she's got the nerve to say
she wants to fuck that boy so badly
i saw her go
faster whoa
i wanna get off one time and not apologize
whoa i've gotta steal the time
of a life that's passing by
whoa i wanna get off one time
oh i wanna get off one time
and off one time
i was hoping you'd be there waiting for me
when i was waiting you were waiting
you were waiting for me
and hoping you'd be there waiting for me
when i was waiting for you
hoping you'd be waiting for me
i was hoping you'd be there waiting for me baby
i need your loving kinda way,
a way nobody but me
and then i was hoping you'd be waiting for me
hoping you would be waiting for me
oh i want to get off one time
oh i get off one time
oh wanna go
whoa get off one time and not apologize
and not apologize!