ramble_tangents_random_meandering

banana phone : take two

2005-08-27T17:05:00.000-07:00

listening to : "when the pawn..." fiona apple and "in your honour" foo fighters

this is my second time writing this and so it won't be nearly as long as last time...

i guess life can be like that sometime. zuey told me to call her today at two but no one picked up no matter how long i took. and how much i called. i made called sporadically every fifteen or so minutes. and then at three thirty i got someone. her father. he sounded very annoyed and hostile, he always does.

he told me she was not home. he has lied to me before but i wanted to believe him. either way i’m boned because now i can’t call her for a while. he told me he’d have her call me back but the odds of that are very unlikely.

even if he feels so inclined to deliver the message she won’t call me back. i don’t know if this is how she is with everyone but she doesn’t call me back or call me first ever. only online will she reach me. sucks.

so it doesn’t matter if she’s still sleeping, out with her mum or friends or anything because i don’t know if i’ll get the chance to talk to her tonight. i just would love to see her again. i want to talk.

i know she just wants to have fun but i want to have the guts to bring up a serious conversation with her and i want her to have one back. i want us to grow deeper into each other. i want more reason to love her or not. i want to know who she really is since i can’t help giving her so much of me. i want to kiss her and for her to kiss back... and perhaps i’m asking too much ; but i want it to mean something. maybe i’m crazy? but surely i’m in love.

fiona apple
"love ridden"

love ridden, i've looked at you
with the focus i gave to my birthday candles
i've wished on the lidded blue flames
under your brow
and baby, i wished for you
nobody sees when you are lying in your bed
and i wanna crawl in with you
but i cry instead
i want your warm, but it will only make
me colder when it's over,
so i can't tonight, baby
no, not "baby" anymore - if i need you
i'll just use your simple name
only kisses on the cheek from now on
and in a little while, we'll only have to wave
my hand won't hold you down no more
the path is clear to follow through
i stood too long in the way of the door
and now i'm giving up on you
no, not "baby" anymore- if i need you
i'll just use your simple name
only kisses on the cheek from now on
and in a little while, we'll only have to wave
no, not "baby" anymore- if i need you
i'll just use your simple name
only kisses on the cheek from now on
and in a little while, we'll only have to wave

stayin' alive! [disco-style]

2005-08-25T00:12:00.000-07:00

just a little update. so i am still really terrible but i am more stable. why? because i called zuey and talked to her on the phone for three minutes.

see... i knew all i needed was to talk to her. i didn’t even get to discuss anything really. the phone call itself went very poorly while i’m on the subject.

i called and asked to see her and she said she didn’t want to see me. i told her i was messed up because i could only talk to her about stuff and how since before she told me that anytime i *needed* her i could come to her.

but that was taken away. another change of her whim. i’m still learning to adapt to her whims. this is the second thing she told me that changed. the second deal that she doesn’t want to deal with.

also she told me she had spent too much time with me and didn’t want to hang out for a couple of days which could be months, who knows? and she also said that she was sorry but she couldn’t be more concerned about my issues. all of which involve her.

so like i said before, not even a good conversation or a good call where much of anything positive came out of it. just her voice and a confirmation that we weren’t completely fucked. that she wasn’t done with me forever.

but that and her voice and all the other little parts of the conversation were enough. it kept me enough in a state of calm... or not as completely miserable that i’m a bit better. i’m not physically shaking anymore and my internal sickness is a little more reasonable.

i was able to go to class and not be completely absent minded. i want so much from zuey but i only need so little. i guess it’s enough to be too much for her. oh well, what can i do?

i’m trying to deal. i’m trying to be ok. i can’t do this alone. but that isn’t wrong ; is it? oh well, i’m off. off to think about zuey some more no doubt. jeez, i can’t even look at my bedroom without mourning.

this is a conversation i just had on aim. i guess i thought there needed to be more to this post so i’m adding this...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
not me : we should play!

not me : wen im done

jonathan dipratna : mmm... not tonight.

not me : grr.....

jonathan dipratna : i'm nursing my depression.

jonathan dipratna : i don't feel like doing anything but crying.

jonathan dipratna : maybe cutting.

jonathan dipratna : but tthat's all.

not me : so nurse it with fantastic KILLING!

jonathan dipratna : no. cutting and crying.

not me : cutting? I thought you were better than that....

jonathan dipratna : mmm...

jonathan dipratna : i don't know.

jonathan dipratna : i'm getting worse.

jonathan dipratna : worse at life.

jonathan dipratna : worse at everything.

not me : I dont think so.....

jonathan dipratna : you don't see me when i'm alone. when i'm not being kinda fake.

jonathan dipratna : i'm a very sad person.

not me : you allways just kind of act like your self.....I mean you were going to tell your classmates that you have raped someone.

jonathan dipratna : they took it strangely.

jonathan dipratna : i didn't laugh..

not me : you did it...lol

jonathan dipratna : this girl sitting next to me just kinda looked at me funny.

jonathan dipratna : when i explained it was over.

jonathan dipratna : no one cared about me enough to mind if i raped someone or not.

not me : rofl lol stfu

jonathan dipratna : everyone believed that i stabbed someone.

jonathan dipratna : no one thought that was the lie.

jonathan dipratna : that made me feel odd.

not me : lots o people stab people

not me : epashaly if your mexican

not me : and your kinda mexican

not me : or latin

jonathan dipratna : yup. call me captain stabbing... robbing college girls of their anal virginity.

jonathan dipratna : and making them walk the plank.

not me : anal?

jonathan dipratna : yeah, you've never heard of captain stabbin'?

not me : yes i have

jonathan dipratna : http://www.captain-stabbing.com/

not me : see it

not me : n

jonathan dipratna : this is his mission statement,

not me : gotta love porn

jonathan dipratna : only suicide girls.

not me : lol

jonathan dipratna : ...grr.

not me : na

not me : what are you growling at

not me : ?

not me : ?

jonathan dipratna : nothing. never mind.

not me : i wish you wernt so sad......if theres anything i can youll let me know right?

jonathan dipratna : mmm... sulking is so selfish. so it's kinda a personal thing.

jonathan dipratna : also when it's about a person only that person can magically fix it.

jonathan dipratna : ummm... just hang out with me.

not me : sure

jonathan dipratna : when i'm busy i don't think too much about it and i'm fake and only when certain things come out that remind me of her so i freak.

jonathan dipratna : ...grr.

jonathan dipratna : yeah.

jonathan dipratna : it happens.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...ok well i’m gone for true this time. take care of yourself and be sure to talk to me if you want to be friends. i could use a chat. see you around, ta!!

the beatles
“all my loving”
close your eyes and i'll kiss you,
tomorrow i'll miss you;
remember i'll always be true.
and then while i'm away,
i'll write home ev'ry day,
and i'll send all my loving to you.
i'll pretend that i'm kissing
the lips i am missing
and hope that my dreams will come true.
and then while i'm away,
i'll write home ev'ry day,
and i'll send all my loving to you.
all my loving i will send to you.
all my loving, darling i'll be true.

since i've found you/i've found a girl/i've found a thorn...

2005-08-24T16:44:00.000-07:00

currently : crying a lot... everywhere.

i've been using blogger.com for over a year. my first post was on the thirteenth of august last year. a full year. that's sorta crazy.

so looking at my bed. every time i look at my bed i think about when zuey was in it. those nights. and the pillow she needed for her legs because my one wasn't enough. i haven't taken the pillow out of my room.

i smell both the pillows every night because they still smell like her. i haven't cleaned the mess that we made. i need to talk to someone about this but because of my promise i can't talk about it to anyone but zuey.

maybe after class tonight i'll pass by. or before because i need to pick up a capo and strings from pacifica anyway. depends if i get gas or not. i don't know. i do need to vent even just a little. i just need to talk about my feelings so i can start to feel ok. i wrote this thing in creative writing class and it ended up being about her and it was so painful i began crying a lot in class.

we had to say something called "i remember" where we name something we remember. i thought of taking zuey back to my house yesterday and taking the one for the scenic route but actually it being so foggy we didn't see anything.

but then we had to write in class about it but the wound is so fresh i cried. almost the whole time writing it i was crying and it was hard to stay in class. i'll post it here but before let me remind you about the day in question [http://gotbb.blogspot.com/2005/08/feelings-change-so-fast.html]. reading that might create the context for this free writing exercise...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i remember... "driving thru the fog next to her realizing what we had before was really gone"

zuey. oh zuey. the day before [[censored]]. you were in the lead. you were in command. with that power you chose to make me the happiest i've ever been ; but in that fog i felt it all pulled away.

the entire day the chasm was widening and that drive back to my house was so hard. the moment i started crying i tried to stop... but i couldn't. it was too late.

too late... for masculinity, for joy, for peace, for love, for anything in the world to be pure and good, for me to feel god [or feel anything for that matter] in my heart.

she made being in love hurt. she made loving her kill. they call it the scenic route but there was no skyline, no ocean... only the thick unyielding fog. the visual manifestation of her [her heart?] shutting down and growing cold.

the line of visibility between the road and i... between zuey's heart and i... was fucked. eventually the fog would clear but inside us everything was still unyieldingly clouded.

alone. next to the person i love the most. we are both so broken. she let me get too close so she shut down. she let me get too close so i dropped my guard.

now no one is happy. now things are back to normal.

[[paragraph censored]]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...sorry but certain things i wrote had to be kept secret. only a sentence and a paragraph. i am dying. i am falling apart. my physical being is dwindling. when i fall i crash. soon i will bleed. soon i will bleed.

eels
"ant farm"
hate a lot of things
but i love a few things
and you are one of them
hard to believe
after all of these years
but you are one of them
walk down the street
i'm thinking:
everybody move along
i've got a sad-hearted needing
to belong
nevertheless
it's all the mess you made
but i can let it go
walk down the street
i'm thinking:
look at all the ants in a farm
i've got a sad-hearted feeling
to harm
hate a lot of things
but i love a few things
and you are one of them

eels
"the medication is wearing off"
see this watch she gave me?
well it still ticks away
the days i'm claiming back for me
the medication's wearing off
gonna hurt not a little, a lot
keep on tickin' you're not lickin' me
step on a crack break your mother's heart
red light green light black
suicide e-mail do not delete
plug it back in the jack
start to be what they want you to be
and you see yourself as they see you
sunrise on the corner of
sunset and alvarado
i think what the hell do i do now
watch the day disintegrate
so i can stay up late and wait
see this watch she gave me?
well it still ticks away

why bother / it's gonna hurt me

2005-08-23T14:22:00.000-07:00

listening to : “get happy!!” elvis costello & the attractions

i don’t feel like doing anything. i’m in a funny sort of slump. this is bad, right? i shouldn’t be letting this happen. i can’t help it. i am trying to give my heart to someone who has tendencies of accidental cruelty. she doesn’t mean to hurt me at all but the wounds still slay me.

we’re both not very emotionally healthy people. i love how wonderful zuey makes me feel but that is supplemented by the extreme lows she leaves me with. i’m too temperamental for how unattached she is.

what am i supposed to do? why can’t things be more reasonable? everything is so confusing and when it’s not something new comes along to complecate things. can this work? what am i supposed to feel... supposed to do?

i can’t concentrait on work. i am not moving ahead but lingering in my sorrows. it’ll probably pass and when we talk things will be ok again. but the wait for the next talk is hard. i must be crazy. everything hurts.

the beatles
“something”
something in the way she moves
attracts me like no other lover
something in the way she woos me
i don't want to leave her now
you know i believe her now
somewhere in her smile she knows
that i don't need no other lover
something in her style that shows me
don't want to leave her now
you know i believe her now
you're asking me will my love grow
i don't know, i don't know
you stick around now it may show
i don't know, i don't know
something in the way she knows
and all i have to do is think of her
something in the things she shows me
don't want to leave her now
you know i believe her now

feelings change so fast

2005-08-23T02:22:00.000-07:00

listening to : “ghosts of tables and chairs” by citizens here & abroad

so she woke up and things were still great. the best. i let down my guard i let myself feel loved. it seems like i fucked up. i though that since we made it to the next day with zuey showing me the same love she showed before i was fine so i relaxed.

now i’m crushed. i tried to keep from letting it happen but it did. no peace and no sleep for me. only tears. my heart feels like a rock. cold and heavy. i should have seen it coming.

so at my house everything was great. we leave to go to japantown and once we get there within ten minutes zuey tells me not to be so huggy. the burgeoning distance only grew from there.

we go to all the stores and she is trying to replace my birthday gift. she wants so badly to buy me things. all i wanted for my birthday was zuey. and i got it. we spend a beautiful and wonderful night together. it was full of so much joy for me and was the best gift ever but now she just wants to buy me toys and little trinkets? i didn’t realise it then but the reason i was growing sad as the afternoon past is i felt zuey pulling away.

i trust her completely and with a certain aspect of our relationship she is in complete control. i accept that but i still wonder at the choices she makes. she just wants to have fun and not think about actions and just live in the moment.

i understand and i want to live for the moment as well but life isn’t a moment but a lot of moments together to define life and the way she pulls away so sharply stings.

i am trying to be understanding. but she doesn't have to go from putting my arm around her to just not wanting my touch at all. just because she doesn't feel the same way doesn't mean i have to be treated so unkind [unkind relative to how i was being treated before].

being free, independant and just go with the whim and feeling she fancies at the moment is fine. i understand what she wants but is it so hard to coddle me a bit instead of just shuting down?

it hurts so much. i hurt so much. nobody to blame but everybody. i don’t want this. i want a better life. how long can i wait for zuey? will i die for her? i think zuey is worth it. i'm sorry she's broken. i'm sorry i'm broken. i still believe in us. i still believe in her.

billy corgan
“pretty, pretty star”
wind a spire survey the hours i’m secrets, secrets
spillin’ on the floor
find a love a just because i need you, so much
beggin’ till i’m poor
wanting so much more this hurts kid
strangers find the eyes, just the same
every time i start
reachin’ out to find you
loneliness abounds
pretty, pretty star
only you remind me
that only you can find me, in you
in all i choose
wait remind my life is mine so many travelers
carry past the word
flowers jake the sun afraid i’m blinkin’ softly
wishin’ on your name
wonderin’ who to blame next, low this
crawlin’ towards the door, just the same
every time i start
reachin’ out to find you
loneliness abounds
pretty, pretty star
only you remind me
that only love can blind
every time i start
emptiness confounds me
loneliness astounds me
pretty, pretty star
it’s me and you
in all i choose
show me there’s no other
tell me i’m your lover
make me wonder who you are to stay
finish what you started
vanquish your departed
others wiltin’ in the shade
can i ask where you are tonight?
do you know where i am right now?
pretty, pretty star
emptiness surrounds me
loneliness confounds
pretty, pretty star
only you remind me
that only love can find me

day one...

2005-08-22T15:33:00.000-07:00

listening to : “so jealous” by tegan and sara

this has been my favourite birthday ever. i am so happy right now. it’s insane how fragile this joy is though. how the slightest choices can take me one way or the other.

so last time i had slept for two hours and spent the night with zuey. well then at five i went to her house and we went to go ice skating but that didn’t work out so we just walked san francisco.

just walking and talking. i found any excuse to touch her. i floated on the good feelings. i can’t explain everything that i felt because it would only dilute my experiences to mention them here.

she is more wonderful the more i get to know her amusingly enough. before all i had for her was hope and potential [...plus the strong physical attraction] but slowly that is burning away to be replaced by real feelings and connection [plus, she is even hotter then i thought].

i guess one way to write a diary entry about it is to just list random thoughts and feelings...

~first hug
~seeing zuey twice in one day is awesome
~zuey is weak-sauce about rubber mountain sliding
~trying to be more understanding about her stance on boyfriends
~she doesn't like cigs either... something to mutually hate
~arts and crafts... closed
~”can i hold your hand?”
~having to explain and justify everything i feel about zuey... to zuey
~japanese food and conversation
~new faces on the new cup
~wind harp
~trying not to kiss her
~wanting to kiss her
~wanting to kiss her right now
~robotboy
~lying dressed on my bed reading about disney films together
~garfield
~inability to commit to a film
~”you’re spending the night?”
~my elation that zuey really is spending the night
~boring zuey with conker
~same cheap socks bought by our mums
~sandwiches and chocolate soymilk
~"come here jonathan, we'll share the pillow"
~crying
~”why?”
~more crying
~where our arms go
~zuey laughing at me
~i love the sound of zuey laughing
~*she* used *my* toothbrush
~chewing extra firm tofu and those jujubes that aren’t fruit shaped
~us both wanting to talk though we should sleep
~my mum waking up and getting ready for work
~sunrise
~we really should sleep
~i can’t sleep with zuey next to me my senses are all storing every sensation of being next to her
~finally sleep only to wake two hours later
~getting socks and ending up just watching zuey sleep
~she even looks beautiful sleeping
~thinking how much i wish to kiss the closed eyelids of sleeping zuey
~battlescars, wonderful battlescars
~going to class but finding it hard to focus because zuey is in my bed sleeping and i can’t stop thinking about her
~writing this diary entry while zuey is mere feet away from me
~being the happiest i've ever been

...i guess that is now up to date. so while i was out last night c.w., his girlfriend and rosie called to wish me a happy birthday. it was nice of them.

i was spoiled to be in her presence for such a long time. i was spoiled by her affection and attention. something so great.

she’s eventually going to need to go home and i will miss her fiercely. i want to say things that i don’t know what to say. i want to write down the conflict in my mind. i can not articulate the weight and burden of existence. i can’t explain why i want to live with stronger will then i’ve felt in the past.

so i won’t. i’ll end it here. i’ve leave now when everything in the universe is aligned and i can’t help but feel... good? happy? i don’t know... i just have this moment.

jimmyeatworld
“lying dressed”
everyday i get a little closer, dear
will you love me, darling, when i get there?
i’ll need sunshine, i’ll need rest
you’re just waiting there, i guess
remember me
i kissed you clean,
lying dressed,
on your bed
how we'll shake,
are we safe?
kiss you clean
broken free
hiding where you know
wait for you with my eyes closed
everyday i get a little closer, dear
will you love me, darling, when i get there?
i’ll need sunshine, i’ll need rest
you’re just waiting there, i guess
remember me
i kissed you clean,
lying dressed,
on your bed
how we'll shake
are we safe?
kiss you clean
broken free
everyday i get a little closer, dear
will you love me, darling, when i get there?
i’ll need sunshine, i’ll need rest
you’re just waiting there, i guess
remember me
i kissed you clean,
lying dressed,
on your bed
how we'll shake
are we safe?
kiss you clean
kiss you clean/broken free

birthday wish

2005-08-21T15:03:00.000-07:00

listening to : “ghosts of tables and chairs” by citizens here & abroad

it’s my birthday. i have that no doubt song, “six feet under” stuck in my head. at least the chorus. so today has actually been really cool so far. perhaps i’m just setting myself up for a huge let down but we’ll see.

so i go to zuey’s house and i feel wonderful. floating on air. all that lot. when i’m not with her i am weird. wiggy. when i am going or trying to talk to her i am nervous. when i am on my way to see her i am so anxious my stomach hurts.

thinking about her is torture. knowing she isn’t attracted to me kills me. but still when we spend the night alone together i couldn’t be gladder. lying with my head in her lap and her hands on my head all sins are forgiven. that’s how it was while we watched bad television.

then she put on barbarella and we watched that. she used my breast to keep her feet warm. under the shirt i felt her on my heart. skin to skin. i held her ankles to keep them warm. she felt soft. i melted. we spent the night together and talked of things.

right now it is worth it to deal with all the shit for the occasions we do spend time just hanging out. sometimes i want to rip my heart out my chest and sometimes i feel joy. it’s messy and i expose and open myself to it.

i told her all i wanted for my birthday was her. so she said to come over at five-thirty because she’ll be awake by then. so if things go to plan i’ll have just spent most of my time with her. which will be awesome. or could be terrible. we’ll see.

we’re both these fucked up people. we’re together and things are ok but we are both sad and struggling not to commit suicide. she fights the same battle i do daily. it’s strange how perverse a relationship we have.

so i left when she went to bed and go home about seven in the morning. i was so up but i forced myself to sleep and then i ended up waking at ten so i didn’t really sleep much.

i got a call from my cousin. i got a call from sarah. they were nice but brief well wishes for my birthday. i got a call from peggy and she wished me a happy birthday and hearing me in a good mood [of sorts] tried to deflate me. she didn’t want me getting too excited because she knows how easy it is for me to get crushed.

i’m a beast of sensitivity. extreme highs and lows with dramatic shifts. it doesn’t take much to make me happy but it doesn’t take much for me to turn the other way as well.

i probably get to see zuey in three hours. i shouldn’t be so excited but i am. i’m a sucker for suffering. i love her. i look in her eyes and they sparkle and twinkle and my soul rips itself from my body in an attempt to be closer to her.

no doubt
“six feet under”
In the morning I wake up
And in the night I sleep
Since the day that I was born
Repeat, repeat, repeat
Brought to this life
Born to this life
Where was I before?
Nonexistent? Not at all?
Will I ever know?
Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground
Subconsciously motivated natural instinct
Alter nature for the pleasure
Orthocycline
Flirt with conception
Slow the cycle
Will the baby grow?
Social tradition interference
Control, control, control
Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground
I'll be dead and gone, no longer around
Spinning, spinning
Before I can recall
All the unknown chemicals
Control the cycle
The successive generations
From dust to dust
Burying my grandma
Then give birth to my own daughter
Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground
Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground
I'll be dead and gone, no longer around
I'll be buried six feet underground

pocket full of posies

2005-08-21T01:11:00.000-07:00

listening to : “ghosts of tables and chairs” by citizens here & abroad

it is my birthday. i am still alive. if i die now it will say twenty-two in the papers. what fun i should be having to be a palindrome.

getting out of dylan’s car as i got dropped off at home in the sky i saw a huge green firework explode. must be a good sign. or luck. hmm...

so i was taken out by dylan to see loquat which was cool because i’ve been into them for about two years and i’m missed them so many times so i’ve finally seen them.

one of the bands that opened for them [citizens here & abroad] was really super cool. they had a really awesome live show. i thought they were better then loquat so i bought their cd and it’s really good.

loquat was cool but they are not as good live as on cd. it was still good but not as good, y’know? i really enjoyed myself and was glad to meet this new band.

i am very sad in general. i cry a lot. it doesn't take much. i feel sick a lot too. zuey makes me sick. not in a gross way but my stomach just hurts so much thinking about her.

shit! she's online. i want to see her. she hasn't decided. she is weirded out about someone at her house. i want her to hug me and wish me a happy birthday.

jeez, i'm such a puff. i am a bug. i am out of here. have a better day then me, ta!!

jimmyeatworld
"23"
i felt for sure last night
that once we said goodbye
no one else will know these lonely dreams
no one else will know that part of me
i'm still driving away
and i'm sorry every day
i won't always love these selfish things
i won't always live...
not stopping...
it was my turn to decide
i knew this was our time
no one else will have me like you do
no one else will have me, only you
you'll sit alone forever
if you wait for the right time
what are you hoping for?
i'm here i'm now i'm ready
holding on tight
don't give away the end
the one thing that stays mine
amazing still it seems
i'll be 23
i won't always love what i'll never have
i won't always live in my regrets
you'll sit alone forever
if you wait for the right time
what are you hoping for?
i'm here i'm now i'm ready
holding on tight
don't give away the end
the one thing that stays mine
you'll sit alone forever
if you wait for the right time
what are you hoping for?
i'm here i'm now i'm ready
holding on tight
don't give away the end
the one thing that stays mine...

reasons not to kill myself...

2005-08-16T16:44:00.000-07:00

~one more book from harry potter closure
~film version of "shopgirl"
~"stella" on comedy central
~a bunch of other assorted films and musicals
~next-generation console and games
~make songs and films people enjoy
~feel love again

...that's kinda sad, isn't it? there may be some more but these are the main ones. i start college again tomarrow. hmm...

who or what i need i do not know

2005-08-16T03:03:00.000-07:00

listening to : “futures” by jimmyeatworld

i feel dumb. i spoke and words came out wrong. i was so sick with nerves i threw up and defecated a number of times though i wasn’t eating. things are coming out and i’m not putting anything in.

i want to die. i just don’t have the guts to do it. the only thing holding me back is fear. the pain i must endure. what if i fail and just make my life even worse with physical complications?

i feel dumb for saying this but one thing sticking out of my mind is zuey keeping me away from her tonight and not explaining why to me. she said i “broke my pick” with her and wouldn’t let me around her. i thought she was joking but she kept it up and i didn’t understand.

i was around a group of people for the first time since canada and i hated it. i tried to be fake but it was such a chore. it didn’t use to be. i never say hate but hate is what i feel. i feel cold, empty and hateful inside.

i could be fake and plastic before but i can’t or don’t want to now. i don’t like how plastic all my relationships are. who are my friends? is it worth it? to what benefit am i to anyone?

i drain on people with my need for love and attention but what do i give? i make someone laugh or smile once in a while? anyone can do that. the reason i don’t have any good friends is i’m not a good person. and i don’t have anything to offer to be worth being anyone’s person they consider most.

so when i need someone. i mean really need someone like right now i have no one. it’s probably my own fault. but it doesn’t mean i want to feel this way anymore.

i just had a chat with someone online. i guess it sorta says some things i was going to say here so i’ll just repost it. i edited it so that the person’s name is private...

---------------------------------
[jonathan] : honestly, i'm deeply depressed.

[jonathan] : i want to die.

[jonathan] : right now i wish i had the nerve to kill myself.

[someone] : why?

[jonathan] : the overbearingness of living is to no ones benefit, i don't help anyone by suffering with my life. i am so easily hurt and i just let people down.

[someone] : how do you figure?

[jonathan] : i wish i had friends who had time to hold me and tell me that i'm worth something but they don't. i have nothing to offer anyone except that i am needy.

[jonathan] : i'm like a parasite.

[someone] : well, I don't think you are

[someone] : I think we all just make ourselves so busy so we aren't tempted to cling on

[jonathan] : i'm so closed off i don't think i could explain my sadness. i have this shell. because no matter what i still don't want to seem like i'm whining.

[jonathan] : i want to die and the only thing holding me back is fear.

[someone] : Jesus man. Don't kill yourself.

[someone] : You should talk to someone. This is serious

[jonathan] : i honestly don't think there is any reason i shouldn't.

[jonathan] : i've failed everyone and myself for too long.

[someone] : Because me and all your other friends and family will be devastated if you did

[jonathan] : ...for a time.

[jonathan] : i don't know. i don't think you have to worry about it. i've been trying to build up the guts to do it and i haven't been able to.

[someone] : whatever bad shit you're feeling right now is going to go away, and when you're successful and completely happy in a few years, you're going to look back at this and think you were silly for wanting to kill yourself

[jonathan] : maybe... but how long am i to endure this shitty life? i can only handle SO much and i'm trying to accept it'll pass but i have to live with it until it does. i don't want to hurt so much for so long. i hate this. i hate feeling everything i'm feeling right now.

[someone] : you need to make yourself feel better. and I know that's not an easy thing to just do, but how about talking to a counselor or a shrink about this?

[someone] : and formulate whatever your feeling into a creative output

[jonathan] : i'm trying music.

[jonathan] : i want to write a screenplay which i haven't done in a while.

[someone] : then do them

[jonathan] : i guess i can look up free counseling?

[jonathan] : i don't know...

[someone] : Dude, I'm going to sleep away the air in my head. We'll talk tomorrow

[someone] : But I love you

[someone] : And don't do anything stupid

[jonathan] : umm... i guess.

[jonathan] : i don't have it in me to promise you.

[jonathan] : it's going to be a long night.

[jonathan] : but i'll try.

[someone] : go to sleep

[jonathan] : i can't. i haven't been able to get much for days.

[jonathan] : if i take pills i'll want the whole bottle.

[someone] : well, then it seems like the perfect opportunity to get some do something productive then

[someone] : write that screenplay until you fall asleep

[someone] : except my mum will probably kick me of the computer soon.

[jonathan] : i'll try working. i'll try. ok? i'll try. i whip out paper and try.

[someone] : good. writing the old fashion way usually has better results anyway

[someone] : at least for me. I'm going to call you tomorrow but goodnight for now.

[jonathan] : goodnite.

[someone] : by the way--to warn you, that chick [CENSORED] wants to hook you up with might be visiting soon

[someone] : and apparently she's pale and skinny

[jonathan] : hey. you got a laugh from me. a smile even. congrats.

[jonathan] : someone new to disappoint? heh, can't wait.

[someone] : heh. what an eyore outlook to the situation. anyway, goodnight.

[jonathan] : yeah. nite.
---------------------------------

...i guess i should go. enough complaining and moaning for tonight. nothing is fixed. i wish i could apoligise to zuey for the way i left her and her friends tonight but i can’t. it’s too late, she’s not online and after the way i acted to everyone after being dissed by zuey i’m not going to go to her door. not tonight. maybe never again... if i could just...

i got very introverted and weird. i think i was mean to everyone because i was so hurt. i couldn’t function on a social level and i just left. first my body and then the place we were at. acting like such a faker. pretending my insides weren’t all black and bile. pretending i didn’t have to use every bit of my being not to burst into tears in front of everyone.

i hate myself.

...the ghost slips away

2005-08-15T17:05:00.000-07:00

i feel like vomiting. i am so sick. my tummy is a swirl of emotion. i am so worried about tonight. i am doing my first open mic since i bombed and zuey is going to be there. even rosie and a bunch of other people i probably know.

that isn't why i'm worried. i'm worried because i'm terribly nervous that i messed things up with zuey. i just can't get over this feeling that i suck. i suck bad. i'm so unhappy. i think i may die of it.

radiohead
“punchdrunk lovesick singalong”
i wrapped you inside my coat
when they came to firebomb the house
i didn't feel pain, 'cause no-one can touch me
now that i'm held in your spell
a beautiful girl
a beautiful girl
can turn your world into dust
sell me a car that goes
sell me a house that stands
i never cared before, i never cared before
i never cared before, before, before, before
a beautiful girl
a beautiful girl
can turn your world into dust
a beautiful girl
a beautiful girl
can turn your world into dust
i stood in front of her face
when the first bullet was shot

pulling your teeth, you push away

2005-08-15T14:22:00.000-07:00

listening to : “futures” by jimmyeatworld

this was written last night at two or three in the morning but while my internet wasn’t working. i’m publishing it today just so you know that everything after this is in the tense fitting to it being last night. i still feel terrible and couldn't sleep last night so sick with sadness and worry i was...

i feel dumb. i spoke and words came out wrong. i was talking to zuey on the phone to ask her if she wanted to hang out tonight and if she wanted to go with me to an open mic tomorrow.

so i call and she tells me tomorrow we can hang out and she’ll come to this thing but tonight she is hanging out with her friend gina. i say ok. by the way this whole time my heart feels like it’s going to burst out of my chest for some reason i am really nervous trying to talk to her on the phone.

but i want to see her tonight as well if i can so i ask her if i can late-later tonight after gina goes to bed. either she doesn’t understand or she doesn’t feel like hanging out with me tonight and was trying to be tactful about conveying it because of how the conversation degrades from there.

she responds to me, “no. i’m hanging out with gina tonight.” with the bit of force in her voice. i didn’t know that was supposed to clue me in that she didn’t want to hang out with me tonight [which i wouldn’t have argued if she outrightly told me]. i thought she had just misunderstood me so i tried to ask again.

to which she replied, “no! i’m hanging out with gina tonight. i’ll see you tomorrow *ok*!” i heard the apprehensiveness in her voice. i got the point. i just felt bad for not getting it sooner.

i didn’t want her to get to the point were she sounded exasperated with me. i just took her answers the wrong way. still the moment of damage is done. even though she probably doesn’t care i’ll be obsessing over it all night.

unable to sleep because of all the shit swirling inside me. just like last night. i’m not sleeping nights. i’m not sleeping during the day. i’m not happy. i’m overly sensitive from lack of sleep.

i almost consistently feel like a fuck-up to somebody at any given time. i’m so tired of how plastic so many of my relationships with people are. i just don’t want to do it anymore.

i don’t call anyone anymore and they don’t call me. not that they ever did. the only people i try talking to are zuey, aaron/carrie and peggy. that’s it. i just don’t want to deal with it anymore. i can’t.

so rosie is back in town but i haven’t really hung out or talked to her since the semester ended so i don’t know if we are as good friends as before. i am cursed with having friends i make in college classes only last a semester.

so i didn’t think that things could possibly get that way with rosie because we were so close but as the class ended everything felt off. i feel like i did something wrong to mess things up but i’m not sure what.

i hope to hang out with rosie because i want to see if i’m just being crazy and superstitious about this “curse” or if something is really wrong. i mean i am just not good with people. i mess things up or say or do something horrible and i don’t mean to but i just can’t keep anyone close.

i would be crushed but i can’t fault rosie for not being as close to me as before. if that does happen i’m sure she has a justifiable reason. i really thought what i had with rosie was special. i hope it still is.

jimmyeatworld
“in the same room”
fingers in, listen what voices say. [x2]
you always wrote for me, ego.
risk worth taking risk worth leaving.
seems i'm still afraid of promise, to promise.
too big to stop too big to hold on.
trade up for the fast ride.
trade your friends.
train passes us.
time passes us.
don't move.
be still.
be silent.
pulling your teeth you push away.
cancel plans, cancel them all.
check your breath for cold and hold on.
please hold on.
no pictures left to burn good-bye to.
that smell of ash and white walls blank.
time passes us.
don't move.
be still.
be silent.
horizontal lines and button up.
fingers in, listen what voices say.
the drawers of paper all say one thing.
like music boxes custom made.
time passes us.
don't move.
be still.
be silent.

did it hurt?

2005-08-13T14:22:00.000-07:00

currently listening to : “third eye blind” by third eye blind

so yesterday i went to bed at eight in the morning and got up at ten-thirty in the morning. then i went to breakfast with my brother, father and aaron. we had vietnamese food which i’d never had before and it was good. lots of vegan-type things.

then i went to aaron’s house and we played videogames for a great while. in my attempt to be aloof to zuey i resigned myself not to call her friday. though i wanted to see/hear her i decided that i’d try to seem not stalkery by... you get the idea anyway.

i didn’t call peggy thursday because i didn’t want to call when i was actually really suicidal so i planned on hanging out with her on friday. so around six i called her because i figured she’d be home.

so we decided to hang out after i ate so i went home and made dinner. then i went over to her house and she decided to go to see “broken flowers” so we did...

...following the show we went back to her house and played “mystery mansion”. i hadn’t played it in so long so it was fun. i really dig that game. i then went home because peggy was ready to sleep.

once home i couldn’t sleep. running on no sleep i still couldn’t sleep myself. how long until i can make my romantic intentions known? as long as she’s sad about it all i can do is be a friend. if i can make her feel incrementally happy i feel so much better.

zuey has an ugly laugh. i love it though because it is only when she thinks something is really funny. her way of really laughing at sometime kinda sounds like a horse choking. nonetheless i still feel like a happy baby to hear it. that braying sound is like a chorus of angels to me.

i went to bed at four or five and woke up a few hours later. i took aaron to work after that. now what? i would like to go to the san mateo county fair tonight because “the donnas” are going to be there. we’ll see.

they might be giants
“narrow your eyes”
I don't want to change your mind
I don't want to think about your mind
They say love is blind
I don't think you're blind
You don't want to understand
And I don't want to shake your father's hand
And walk in the sand
And act like a man
I get on the bus
And ride past our stop
And though I'm late
I can't get off
I just can't bear to tell you some lies
And narrow your eyes
Narrow your eyes
We'll take back every thing we said
Split up all the things
and move ahead
Forgot how you said
We'll split the side off the bed
I get on my bike
Ride down our block
Ride through the world
Through the green lights
But when I think of all your advice
I narrow my eyes
narrow my eyes
I don't want to change your mind
I don't want to think about your mind
They say love is blind
I don't think you're blind
I get on the bus
Ride past our stop
And though I'm late
I can't get off
I just can't bear
to tell you some lies
And narrow your eyes
Narrow your eyes
Now let's toast the sad cold fact
Our love's never coming back
And we'll race to the bottom of a glass
So narrow your eyes

still kickin'

2005-08-12T12:12:00.000-07:00

still listening to : “wicked” original cast recording

yesterday i wanted to die. really. all desire, and more importantly, all reason to live had left me. i didn’t feel God inside me. i just felt empty inside.

i felt an absence of hope. i called basically my entire phone book just trying to talk to somebody, anybody but no one was available. or they would be there but talking to them only compounded the feeling they’re not really a friend. i don’t want to depend on them. i couldn’t. they’d only disappoint me.

i tried washing away my sins and strife in the shower. i took such a long shower but i just spend it all crying and thinking of more reasons why i should stop living.

i’ll spare you the whining of my justifications for suicide so just assume you know how i feel and go with that. it doesn’t matter what i say anyway. so after the shower i left the house. if i stayed i would have swallowed every single pill in it.

i went to aaron’s work. i knew aaron would engage my mind. keep me thinking about other things and ignoring my feelings. it worked. i was ok with things. i didn’t want to die at that moment but then at two he went to sleep.

i was back to my horrible thoughts i don’t feel like explaining. i couldn’t go home. i was sure i would kill myself. i wanted to see zuey. it was too late to call.

i felt like i might be dead by morning so i had to see zuey one more time. i started to go but chickened out because i felt so lame. i thought i was crazy to go to her house looking for her at two in the morning. i stopped and just sat in my car watching the stars. it somehow calmed me down and made me feel sadder at the same time...

not shaving is a part of the mopey look

i was using the camera in my car because it would waste time for me to chicken out but it didn’t work. i still wanted to see zuey. i felt like i was dematerializing. so i kept going closer to her.

i chickened out again right before i got to her block. i took a right instead of a left. it was nearly three now. i couldn’t get myself to do it. i stopped and wasted more time looking at the stars sitting on the beach. oh how i wanted to touch zuey so bad.

i was taking a picture and i looked up at the sky and saw a shooting star. i took that as a sign and got back in my car with a steely resolve to see zuey tonight.

i get to her block and i park well down the street from her house to not arouse noise or attention and i crept to her window. i felt like such a weirdo creeping around.

her window is on the second floor so i thought of tossing pebbles but that would have hit her parents’ car below. so i tried jingling my keys and that didn’t work. so i tried the most teen flick idea and just said, “pssshp” in a really loud whisper. it worked.

so she came out not wearing make-up and she looked different but still totally beautiful. she was scrunching her funny little nose and it was heart melting. as soon as i heard her voice my desire to die left me. it was like the “shinin’” episode of the simpsons.

suddenly their was hope inside me. so we spent the night at the park and in my car and just driving around and talking. i told her things no one knows about me. i don’t know why i can’t keep anything back from her.

i went there with the intention to ask her why she couldn’t try loving me and what was her story and all this other stuff but because of something she told me i couldn’t in good intentions question her. i also thought i’d be asking things that didn’t matter because i’d be dead by morning but i didn’t feel like dying i felt like living.

we watched the sun rise as i drove her home and everything was not completely terrible which is like everything wonderful in that moment. this time the bittersweet joy of being with her was a million times better then i felt inside.

i dropped her off and she gave me the smallest hug... or i did to her. anyway i didn’t push my luck. though i wished i could hold her ever after i simply left.

i felt the tug on my soul and heart. the burden of having to leave without her. same as always but this time that hurt came with hope and love and a stirring inside me. everything i was missing before so it wasn’t as bad.

i love her. i really do. i wish things were different for the both of us. i went to bed at nearly eight and woke up at ten-thirty. two and a half hours? oh well, worth it. i lived to see another morning.

well i guess i’ll stop now. i told you that i had taken a photo right before i saw the shooting star that led me to zuey. well i figured i’d show you that photo to end this entry, ta!!

smashing pumpkins
"the everlasting gaze"
you know i'm not dead
now you know where i've been
as you sleep
torn i am
weighted down
patiently
born of love
you know i'm not dead
i'm just living in my head
forever waiting
on the ways of your desire
you always find a way
and thru it all
into us all you move
forgotten touch
forbidden thought
we can never have enough
you know i'm not dead
found below
the creatures scream
stranglehold
a god machine
begging to
tear us out
worn as hope
you know i'm not dead i'm just the tears inside your head
forever waiting
on the ways of your desire
you always find a way
and thru it all into us all you move
forgotten touch
forbidden thought
we can never have enough
you know i'm not dead
we all want to hold in the everlasting gaze
enchanted in the rapture of his sentimental sway
but underneath the wheels lie the skulls of every c.o.g.
the fickle fascination of an everlasting god
you know i'm not dead
i'm just living in my head
forever waiting
forever waiting on cruel death
you know i'm not dead
i'm just living for myself
forever waiting
you know i'm not dead

showie mcshow-show

2005-08-11T20:08:00.000-07:00

listening to : “urban hymns” by the verve

so i went to see “wicked” and it was so awesome i’d call it “wicked” awesome! that would be lame though so i won’t.

so we get to the show and there is just this huge mass of people all going in. so we get in and i have to go to the bathroom and i do that. then we go to our seats. did i mention i was decked out in only black and green in honour of the show. oh i did. that’s pretty lame too, huh?

so the dude told me these were good seats but i had no idea how good. they were on the bottom orchestra level and we were ten rows from the very very front row. not only that but we were basically in the very centre of seats. not exactly but damn near.

so i don’t want to review the show to spare spoiling it for anyone who hasn’t seen it. but i do want to tell about it a bit and i may elude to things so if you want complete purity then don’t read this. as it is i will only reveal what you get from listening to the soundtrack. so if you enjoy the soundtrack i won’t be spoiling anything for you.

first off i loved the show. even though i didn’t think this glinda was as perfect for the show as kristin chenoweth [but she seemed born for the role to me] i still thought it was brilliant. the writing was so sharp and clever. it was funny and full of critiques of human nature. i just thought the book was as double top as the music and lyrics were.

it was so odd to be there watching people sing the songs i’d been singing in my head for months. it was so neat seeing the sets and everything and also seeing how the blocking and dialogue went for each scene and how the songs really fit in the story.

also odd was all the non-principal cast members looked like they were my age. it was kinda sad how little i’ve done with my life and how these peers were all in a successful touring version of a broadway hit. oh well it was all very good.

so i’d never seen “wizard of oz” before. i’d never scene the film version and on stage i’d only seen act one. i know the highlights of the story because of parody [muppets and such] and it is such a pop culture thing that i still got most of the jokes even thought i haven’t seen it.

one thing i wonder about is if the scene where elphaba is dancing with her “smart” hat at the dance and she does the spinning arms movement, i wonder if that she a joke of the origin of how she cast spells in “wizard of oz” but since i never seen it i didn’t know if it was a joke or not.

i loved the show so much. i love how it made me want to see “wizard of oz” and how when scarecrow tells dorothy, he wants “brains” i’ll know what he’s really eluding to and i’ll smile.

i want to talk about everything but it involves all the twists so i can’t. one good thing about the soundtrack is it doesn’t ruin all the best plot twists. a bad thing is that about three or four songs and reprises are kept off to preserve the story. which makes it feel incomplete once you’ve seen the show.

one thing that was funny was when i first saw nessarose i thought it was the girl who was the villain in the tele-show “sabrina the teenage witch”. i remember that was the first thing i said to peggy once the show started and then i checked at intermission and it *was* her. i showed peggy and she told me after that every time she was on [and their were some twists involving her character] she kept thinking the girl from sabrina.

it was all so good and by the end the only question i was asking myself is, “what the hell is it with the pointless mecha-dragon over the stage that only moves twice the whole show?” i still honestly don’t get the point of it and if anyone wants to clue me in.

this really isn’t a review of the show at all but just my thoughts as i was watching it and very out of place even as that. for instance i was just going to talk about the second act of the show.

during the first act there were a few tear-inducing moments. i found the act one finale of “defying gravity” really emotional. and there would be moments where i would be tearing up or beginning to sniffle but i ; being the emotionally retarded macho-type that i am ; was holding it all back. and for the most part i did well, until the second act.

from there i was so invested in the relationship between everyone and the story that i was full on crying during every song. i probably would have been blubbering but the guy to the left of me was not even phased and peggy to my right wasn’t even glassy eyed. so i held back as much as possible. i couldn’t help it though.

i absolutely love all the songs but in the context of the musical it was simply divine! i have a new favourite musical. oh man, it was so so good. there were little issues with staging, voices and such but overall it was just so good.

it’s amazing how so many aspects of the show come together. so i enjoy it on a number of levels. the most enjoyable being the relationship between the two witches.

from their rocky first meeting and utter loathing of each other till when they changed each other “for good”. it was just so beautiful. i’m getting teary-eyed just thinking about it again. it is so odd to see such kindness between friends. such understanding. man! it was so good.

ok well i guess that’s all i can say about it without ruining anything or babbling about nothing for too long. to anyone out there you hasn’t seen the show yet if it ever comes near you, you *have* to go see it. it just might change the way you see the world. it’s that good.

wicked soundtrack
“for good”

ELPHABA
i'm limited just look at me i'm limited
and just look at you
you can do all i couldn't do, glinda
so now it's up to you
for both of us
now it's up to you

GLINDA
i've heard it said
that people come into our lives for a reason
bringing something we must learn
and we are led
to those who help us most to grow
if we let them
and we help them in return
well, i don't know if i believe that's true
but i know i'm who i am today
because i knew you:

like a comet pulled from orbit
as it passes a sun
like a stream that meets a boulder
halfway through the wood
who can say if i've been changed for the better?
but because i knew you
i have been changed for good

ELPHABA
it well may be
that we will never meet again
in this lifetime
so let me say before we part
so much of me
is made of what i learned from you
you'll be with me
like a handprint on my heart
and now whatever way our stories end
i know you have rewritten mine
by being my friend
like a ship blown from its mooring
by a wind off the sea
like a seed dropped by a skybird
in a distant wood
who can say if i've been changed for the better?
but because i knew you

GLINDA
because i knew you

BOTH
i have been changed for good

ELPHABA
and just to clear the air
i ask forgiveness
for the things i've done you blame me for

GLINDA
but then, i guess we know
there's blame to share

BOTH
and none of it seems to matter anymore

GLINDA/ELPHABA
like a comet pulled like a ship blown
from orbit as it off it's mooring
passes a sun, like by a wind off the
a stream that meets sea, like a seed
a boulder, halfway dropped by a
through the wood bird in the wood

BOTH
who can say if i've been changed for the better?
i do believe i have been changed for the better?

GLINDA
and because i knew you

ELPHABA
because i knew you

BOTH
because i knew you
i have been changed for good.

"happy is what happens when all your dreams come true!"

2005-08-09T15:33:00.000-07:00

how lame can i be for listening to this right now : “wicked” original broadway recording.

so i had quite the exciting time but in the end it was worth it because i got tickets for “wicked”. i’m really excited. i’ve been so bummed out lately that i’m really glad something went my way for once. and it almost didn’t.

since i got home from canada i’ve been listening to the “wicked” soundtrack and wanting to see the show really bad. but i’ve been broke and unable to get into the show. i really really really want to see it super bad though.

it started last year in the spring [march or so?] when i went to new york and i wanted to go to all of these shows but i couldn’t because my ex at the time hates musical theatre and the only one i could get her to see on broadway was a disney one.

so we saw “beauty and the beast” and i loved it but i really wanted to see more. “wicked” was one of them. but she even fell asleep during the show we went to see and she would never be down with it.

so now skip to it being announced to tour in san francisco early this year. i told myself i had to go no matter what. but then the pre-sale started when i was paying for a trip i couldn’t afford to go to montréal so i couldn’t do that.

i thought i’d be able to get tickets for my birthday but all the tickets are sold out except for the restricted view ones and even still those are now eighty dollars.

i was so bummed out because i’d driven into san francisco today with a hundred bucks in my pocket to get two tickets for a later date. two of the $35-$40 tickets but they were all gone. i actually started to cry.

the guy was really nice and told me the one possibility was selling me handicapped seats that were really awesome [view and otherwise] but eighty bucks. still they were front and centre seats and so i bit the bullet and bought tickets.

the only problem is they were for tonight’s show. i made plans to hang out with peggy tonight. plus, i didn’t want to go alone but i would if i had to. so i called her and asked her if she wanted to come if i could get her tickets and she said yes.

so i ran from the pay phone back to the box office and tried to use my bank card as credit even thought i didn’t have more then three dollars in it. it didn’t work and the guy working looked really worried about me and told me if i could get here in a few minutes it’d still be here.

i told him i had to go back to my other bank because i didn’t have a bank card. he said they were only two seats left so it probably would be gone but i told him i was going to try.

so then i rushed back to san bruno and went to my other bank and waiting in the line and got the cash and then i rushed back to san francisco. i parked illegally in front of a cop on a motorbike in front of the orpheum theatre. he was busy talking to this guy so i scurried around him.

i go back to the box office and the guy isn’t there. now this girl is there. i stay calm and ask her about the seat and she says tonight is all gone. i am trying to explain the situation to this girl but she is not helping and then the guy who i cried to who was super helpful and who helped me out just at that moment walked past and saw my worried face and told her how to open up the handicapped seats.

he talked her thru selling me the ticket. it isn’t right next to me because that was sold but it was the one next to it. the very last ticket! she told me i was incredibly lucky and all this junk. but i felt it. i was so happy.

i’m so glad i didn’t wait for my birthday. i decided i was worried about it selling out so i took out cash from my college account [the other bank that i’d been to twice today] because i figured that i could just put the money back when my birthday rolled around on the twenty-first of this month.

so now i’m hours away from going to finally see “wicked” which i’ve been trying to see for so so long. what a wonderful day and night this will be. i hope the cast is as good as the original broadway cast.

most of all i am worried about ephaba and glinda ; with special notice to glinda. she was so perfect at making good seem... not so good, i hope it is a good cast. oh! but i’m so excited.

third zuey-centric entry in a row

2005-08-08T15:33:00.000-07:00

licking my wounds to : sad jimmyeatworld b-sides

i can’t sleep. i can’t think about not zuey. i’m in full obsession mode. every breath and thought and feeling pertains to her in some way. i said last time i wanted to consume her but without knowing it she’s consuming me. my life.

i feel odd about calling her house because no one ever picks up the phone and she said to just call a lot till someone picks up but i don’t want to bother because her dad is crazy.

i called about ten times just now and her dad answered. i asked and he said that she wasn’t home but he stumbled. he was going to say something else so she’s probably still sleeping. odd. i wonder if he’ll give her the message.

i want to at least talk to her again. i feel sick about the way i’m obsessing but i can’t seem to help this. she’s got me hooked. ugh. she is cooler the more i see her. i cry so much everyday now and i don’t know why. i just know zuey is key to everything inside me.

on another topic i have been really odd about friends since canada. i guess i’m just tired of how i have to make things happen. i rarely ; if ever ; get asked to do anything.

it is always me saying, “lets go out” “can you hang?” “are you free?” and all that. it sucks. i just want to be invited to things once in a while. it’s funny because i haven’t been calling people like normally so i haven’t heard from anyone since i got back. except for aaron, zuey and sarah.

if i don’t call any of my friends then i don’t see them and they just hang out with their other friends or do whatever it is they do but it’s ok. that’s odd to me. to be such a forgettable conclusion.

my birthday is coming up in thirteen days. normally it is a huge deal because i work really hard to make them these really awesome parties with as many people as i can muster but i just don’t have the heart to try to endear myself to these people.

all my friends know about it but i doubt anyone is going to do anything. well that’s not wholly true. aaron will probably get me a present. i’m sure other people will mention it in passing. no one’s going to really do anything though.

oh well. i probably sound so whiny. so “sixteen candles”. “i’m just a girl”. man, i can be lame sometimes. i’m so... ok. not horrible but sad. but it feels totally normal to be this depressed.

i know what i want for my birthday. more then everything else in the universe. more then anything or anyone else... i want zuey.

jimmy eat world
“roller queen”
i blame it on my entrance.
it may have seen too much
like confidence.
let me start it over.
help me get to what i can
from when i did.
had to leave my reasons.
it may have seemed too much,
the consequence.
in your busy, dizzy life
you'll become everything
you said you would.
all that i know
is how i can hold on
but all that you see
is how i let you go.
how about once around?

...hours not enough

2005-08-04T07:07:00.000-07:00

listening to : my heart beating in syncopated longing...

this is my diary. i write in it as such and despite all that i do what i want in it. but i am sorry beforehand for how completely lame my lamenting is going to sound to anyone but me.

so i just got home from spending twelve hours with zuey. it was so wonderful and i really just wanted it to never end. it was so hard breaking the umbilical. i cried the whole drive home.

i should probably get some sleep and all. i also haven't had a proper meal in a while. but i just wanted to express myself so i have any chance of sleeping instead of lying in bed pondering zuey.

i want for her to be us so bad. it makes my insides ache the longing and desire for us to be true. i don't know if she'll ever see me as more then a friend. which just eats me up inside because i love even being just her friend.

i just am so bummed out by what doesn't work between us i want to grab her and ask, "why can't i feel this good without you? why do i want to be close to you as much as possible?" "why can't you think of me like i think of you?"

but i know i can't do that. i can't ask those pointless questions and i can't pursue what she already clearly stated is out of my limits. i don't want to risk her not being able to consider me a friend because even being just a friend allows me these moments that i never want to end.

things are really great between us and it kills me that i want to challenge that. that i want more. but i do. i do. right now i'm crying. when i talk to anyone about zuey i end up in tears. even on my weblog!

it hurts me so much that this is the way things must be. when i touch her skin she doesn't feel the dizzying heights of a heart aflutter the way i feel when i touch her.

i selfishly fantasize about consuming her and letting her be digested by me. so i could have her inside me making me strong and warm. my acids can eat away at her until she is only cells and they can infuse to my body binding us together. i selfishly deign myself as a part of her and her of me.

it hurts so much. being torn away by time together. i was just with her... able to touch, talk, smell and taste her. the wounds are so fresh. i should sleep. somehow. i end on the thought that *nothing* hurts like unrequited love. that's for you zuey, if you ever read this for some reason. i truly believe that.

billy corgan
"walking shade"
look at ya now
look at ya
torn estates
took forever
couldn't wait on words, on sound
i just want you so
you're everything, so cold
the perfume of your rose in bloom
i just want you so
anywhere i go
the chase, the bells below
taken from my soul
on the 9th day god created shame
i'm out walking shade
to brush these fires aside
to calm the rising fight
to build you a new life
should you choose
i've picked the best for you
it's your turn and my time to test
i'll second guess the rest
look at ya now
look at ya
nothin's faced
took advantage of my faith and called me out
i just want you so
you're everything i'm told
dumb enough to scold this tongue
i just want you so
anywhere i go
a kingdom for your rain
a pocket for your soul
i just want you so
you're everything although
the risk is getting close to you
i'm out walking shade
the sun is going out
the word is getting round
that i just want you so

wound...

2005-08-02T17:55:00.000-07:00

currently listening to : "the future embrace LP" by billy corgan

right now my mouth is dead. i just got a cavity filled and it is so numb. the filling hurt but now i just have nothing left. numb. like the rest of me?

speaking of which i tried calling zuey. i think i'll try again. i want to hang out with her. but we'll see if that is possible. hopefully.

putting my montréal trip diary into weblog form is taking longer then i thought because for one thing i haven't been computerizing it. i just haven't been still long enough to write it.

the billy corgan album is really awesome. i'm really digging it. it's so melodramatic and grind-y and industrial all at the same time. but in a really good way. kudos to billy for making magical music again.

so i finished potter number six and it was so great. it was the first one to make me cry. it was so well done. so hard to handle. i read it in about six hours. i started yesterday and have been picking at it every so often till i finished it this afternoon in tears. i want someone to talk about it with.

i probably would have finished it last night but i got a call from sarah to hang out. it was cool we hung out a few hours but after i was so tired i went to bed when i got home around one or two.

i hung out with my brother and aaron as well since getting back. i want to talk to dave, izzy, sofia, dylan, c.w. and christine about hanging out. i want to try being friends with zuey. i don't know if she'll trust me. y'know? to *just* be friends... oh well. i will try.

i was just checking in on y'all letting you know how i'm doing. take care everyone. hope to see you around but i must be going. people to see. perhaps? who knows? love and lollies, ta!!

ozma
"lately"
lately my world's been coming down
and lately i've needed you around
lately my love's been on the ground
and lately i've needed you around
i've always needed you
i've pledged my love so true
stuck on another lovely
stuck on the other lovely
stuck on another lovely girl
lately my love's been so benign
and lately i've wanted you for mine
lately you've been oh so unkind
and lately things haven't fell in line
i've always needed you
i've pledged my love so true
oh my girl
i love you so
stuck on another lovely
stuck on the other lovely
stuck on another lovely girl
where is my only one
when i'm the lonely one?
stuck on another lovely girl
my girl

a peek at me

2005-07-18T11:11:00.000-07:00

listening : "give up LP" by the postal service

hello there. i figured i'd show you this e-mail my mum sent me because i thought it was sweet and made me miss me mum a bit. i wonder what she thinks i'm running away from?

oh well, and following the bit she wrote is the reply i sent to her. i figured it would be good because even though i have all the intimate details of my life i haven`t written them on the computer and i probably won`t until i get back from montréal.

so my reply is a bit of a peek into how i'm doing. hope you are well, take care, ta!!

--- Original Message ---
Hi Jonathan. I am here thinking of you.
Como esta el Canada?
Please write me soon.
You know that I love you we just have to be patience with each other.
Love Mom
------------------------
--------my reply--------
hi mum. it is fricking hot up here. i am burning up. i am safe. it is lovely here but i am poor. i'm figuring out ways to do all that i can.

i love you too. i try to be patient. it happens. oh well. everything is good though for the most part. i wish i could afford to go to the theme parks and musées and such. i have to wait for everything to have a free day.

also, i am renting an apartment. my plans got kinda screwy and so instead of being a guest at this place for students i am a tenent. all that means is i have my own room but i am paying more money. sucks.

i was thinking of playing guitar in the streets in front of busy places to earn a little extra money. also i sneak and haggle and bargin for everything so i sqeeze all i can out of the few dollars i have.

i am really enjoying everything though and even being hungry and suffering once in a while is worth is to be away in another country. i get to speak french daily. just a bit but it's something.

tell brendan and tia brenda hello for me. life is supposed to be an adventure and i am living it. i'd send you a postcard or something but it is almost a dollar for postage to the states. so just e-mail me and i'll try to e-mail back when i can.

i hope everything is well at home. take care and i love you and will see you all in just two weeks. then we can eat. it'll be a blast, i like eating. love ya!!

\jonathan
-------------------------

punk rock review?

2005-07-17T00:12:00.000-07:00

listening to : "so jealous" by tegan and sara

wow! an actual new entry. straight from montréal to you. lucky you. i am fine but i have a whole diary of personal experience that i am going to digitize when i get back home so wait for that. this is just for a review of a film i saw yesterday. see ya and take care, ta!!

---"live freaky! die freaky!"---
click on the name to go to their imdb page.
click here for the official site.
read below for my review...

"live freaky! die freaky!" is interesting because i am glad that i saw it but i don’t think it’s very good. i mean it doesn’t seem like it aspired to be much and in that sense it is accomplished. i just feel everything could have been done better.

i don’t know if it will be in the official non-festival release ; the running time was padded by a funny for all the wrong reasons short about teaching a down syndrome girl how to use a sanitary napkin. it was in pretty poor taste but i guess that was just the set-up so that anyone who was going to be offended would leave early.

and even before that the film’s director had a pre-recorded message sent to us saying how awesome we were for being the first festival to show it and how all the american festivals were *scared* to show it. he said one funny thing, which was, "thank you canada for having the balls and the clit to show this".

so my issue with that film wasn’t that it was so offensive but how shallow it felt at times. i felt a lot of the shock value was only show and all the political messages were burdened by being in a lazy script. that’s not to say i didn’t laugh a lot. it’s just not a consistent thing.

in fact a lot of the film dragged. every scene kinda felt it was dragging even though they were so short and the overall feature felt longer then it was. the cast of voices was all punk, all the time. but the problem with that is that the quality of the voices varied and was really inconsistent. recording at houses and on tour buses isn’t the best way to make something if you want to be taken more seriously.

in case you don’t know the film is about charles manson and his family, the sharon tate murders and helter skelter. there is barely a story though. i see a story in there and i see political inclinations but what was executed was just a shell of all the ideas.

i’m still glad i saw it, as it is something that people should see. i understand why it wasn’t at any major festivals though. it just isn’t good enough. i think it is perfect for a very niche crowd and when the dvd comes out i’m sure will live on for a long while.

good not great ; if it’s your thing and your not easily offended ; but it should be seen at least once if you are interested at all or you like all those punk bands. that is my final word.

my so-called absconding

2005-07-09T05:55:00.000-07:00

hullo there. even though i got this from “ghost world” i don’t want to keep it from ya’ll. i will let you know where i am running away to. i’m off to montreal for the rest of the month so i don’t know how much i’ll be online and updating things and all that rubbish i typically do. i’ve got three hundred dollars american so wish me luck with food and housing. i love you all loads and hope to see tons of messages when i check. yup, all that lot.

so to give you something to fill out for me this is a quiz. what makes it special is that i wrote it and thought of all the questions. i had to do something tonight since i couldn’t sleep. the reason there are 222 questions is that two is my favourite number and 22 was too few questions and 2222 was more then i had the time to think up.

i hope you’ll do it and either send it back to me or leave it as a comment in the blog-y comment thingie. take care and know i love you and hope we get together soon, now on with the quiz...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~favourites [1-179]~~~
[even though i’m sure that there are millions of answers you have to commit to just one. really! just do it! we all know this doesn’t define you as a person or even your taste but just the first thing you think of when the question is posed]

film : “garden state”
filmmaker : wes anderson
actor : bill murray
actress : natalie portman
song : “lying dressed” jimmyeatworld
band/musician : jimmyeatworld
singer : zooey deschanel
album : “kid a” radiohead
food : mediterranean/middle eastern/indian [i can count them all as about the same right?]
hot food : fried chicken [since i’m vegan i haven’t had it in five or so years]
cold food : hummus with anything
meal : hamburger and fries
potato chip : jalapeño kettle chips.
pizza topping : green bell peppers.
pizza : everything except pineapple and anchovies
cereal : optimum zen from “trader joe’s”
oil : e.v.o.o. [that’s extra virgin olive oil to you who don’t know]
condiment : barbecue sauce [just beating out hot sauce]
salad dressing : blue cheese
gelatin flavor : strawberry or whatever green is cuz of colour.
chocolate : dark
candy : red vines
candy bar : fast break
non-alkie drink : orange juice
alkie drink : sweet red wines
soda : coke cola classic.
beer : ick. beer is totally gross to me.
hot drink : hot cocoa
tea : earl grey
vegetable : oh man, that is so hard but i guess i choose chick peas.
animal [for eating] : chicken. damn, chicken is tasty. especially fried chicken.
mineral : scheelite. it looks so pretty under short wave uv light. it looks like a constellation, really!
magazine : “premiere”
online magazine : www.thesmokinggun.com
online weblog : http://theskyisgorgeous.blogspot.com
book : “le petit prince” antoine de st-exupéry
novelette : “shop girl” steve martin
author : douglas adams
graphic novel piece : “ghost world” daniel clowes
graphic novel series : “harvey pekar” harvey pekar
graphic novel author : daniel clowes
online comic series drama : www.catandgirl.com
online comic series humour : www.whiteninjacomics.com
comic strip current : “pearls before swine” stephan pastis
comic strip discontinued : “peanuts” charles shultz [calvin and hobbies would be here if i allowed two though because they are basically tied for being the greatest ever!]
cartoonist : charles shultz
online comic non series : www.explodingdog.com
play : “hamlet” ~william shakespeare
play one act : “picasso at the lapin agile” ~steve martin
playwright : william shakespeare
broadway musical : “a chorus line”
off-broadway musical : “hedwig and the angry inch”
film musical : “phantom of the opera” 2004
artist : vincent van gogh
art piece : “the starry night” vincent van gogh
television show : “home movies”
television talk show : “late night with conan o’brien”
talk show host : conan o’brian
television channel : g4tech tv
sketch comedy : anything with michael ian black
made for tele film : “the langoliers”
sport to play : exact same as below. good ol’ footie!
sport to watch live : football [i mean soccer for all you lame-o’s.]
sport to watch on tele : same as above
person ever : andy kaufman
person you know : rosie [i just met zuey and even though i put her name first i decided i should go with someone i’ve known more then a day]
person to talk to : zuey
person to talk online with : emily
person to jamb with : c.w.
classical era : baroque [1600 - 1750] [romantic era : 1825-1900 nearly won but what can i say?]
composer : ludvig van beethoven
musical piece : “sonata no. 14 in c-sharp minor, op. 27, no. 2” by beethoven
online friend resource : www.myspace.com
website : www.imdb.com
message board : www.craigslist.org/pen
band message board : http://bbs.jimmyeatworld.com/
domesticated animal : cat
animal in the wild, land : mountain lion
animal in the wild, sea : deep sea jellyies
animal that may not exist : missing link/bigfoot [i still love you nessie]
what’s your favorite marsupial : is a duckbilled platypus one? if so, that one.
circus animal : tiger
insect : caterpillar/butterfly
imaginary creature : unicorn! [maybe next year liger]
mythological creature : those wicked-awesome dragons that knights had to battle
colour in general : green
colour crayon : sparkly glitter-silver
hair colour : very dark black
eye colour : green
skin colour : i admit i tend to be partial to pale milky white
car colour : light-ish green
car : anything hybrid
flower : green glitter mums
tree : willows
stand up comedian : michael ian black
comedian : brendon small
song and dance entertainer : andy kaufman
city you’ve lived in : san francisco
city : new york
country : united states [not that i dislike any of them]
hemisphere : gotta be the northern one
planet : earth has been real good to me
solar system : whatever ours is called
galaxy : milky way
dimension : the third one
article of clothing : coats
type of outfit : classy suits
brand of clothing : cheap thrift shop things
school subject : film
foreign language : french
time of day : night
phase of the moon : full
solar phenomena : total eclipse of the sun
atmosphere phenomena : aurora borealis
astrological feature : starry nights
constellation : ursa minor [it looks like a kite on a string]
unexplained phenomena : e.v.p. [that’s electronic voice phenomena, don’t ’cha know]
word : melancholy
curse : titty
phrase : “those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” ~george santayana
quote : “i haven't failed, i've found 10,000 ways that don't work.” ~thomas edison
line from a film : "my body is the earth, but my head is in the stars." ~maude from “harold and maude”
line from a musical : “for the first time i feel... wicked!” ~elphaba from wicked
line from a play : “why isn't love enough?” ~alice from “closer”
line from a book : “the ships hung in the air as bricks don’t.” ~hitchhicker’s guide to the galaxy
euphemism for masturbating : wanking
gender : female
gender for relationships, platonic : female
gender for relationships, romantic : female
gender for sexual gratification : female
greek god : hecate
chinese god : yuan-shi-tian-zong. come on he was made from pure chi. i’m all about the chi.
roman god : neptune [diana, venus and apollo were considered]
norse god : odin. cuz he’s the big cheese but i mainly chose him because i couldn’t decide between ragnarok or baldur.
egyptian gods : min. the god of lettuce and sex. really!
oceanic god : aku-aku. god of dead loved ones. aww.
religion : all of them but if i had to choose one it’d be christianity.
clothing store : thrift shops
grocery store : albertsons
electronics store : best buy
bulk store : cosco
misc. store : target
mall store : suncoast
stripmall store : eb games
toy store : toys r’ us
restaurant : “millennium” in san francisco
type of restaurant : all vegan menu ones
physical thing you first notice : face
body part : breasts
eye colour : green
hair colour : raven jet black
skin colour : pale milky white
male crush : colin firth
female crush : zooey deschanel
sexual position : umm... on the bottom i suppose
number : two [2]
letter : “x” it reminds me of space or science fiction in general.
place to be : in the arms of a loved one
day of the year : the ones i feel loved
day of the week : saturday
date of a month : the twenty-second cuz it’s my favourite number twice and it’s a palindrome and so on]
month :
age : being twenty was a great year. best so far.
season : winter
shoes : converse high-tops
holiday : all holidays. they’re great.
perfume/cologne : no. never.
card game : texas hold-em
video game : shenmue series
computer game : ultima online
past time : being with loved ones
thing to do on the weekend : socializing
teacher : melvin zucker
childhood toy : ninja turtles figures
childhood television show : teenage mutant ninja turtles
childhood film : “disney’s the little mermaid”
carnival game/ride : carousel
four letter word : love
smell : friends and lovers [i know all my friends by their smells and i tied my feelings toward them to that so that the more i love someone the more their “smell” makes me happy. make sense?]

~~~firsts [180-222]~~~
[this is a bunch of firsts to the best of your memory. if you can’t remember the first first then just the first you remember and if you’d never done it before then just mention you’re not applicable]

memory : crying. i remember the crying.
remembered thought : hunger. for love, attention, milk... just remember feeling hungry.
enemy : i don’t remember hating anyone other then myself. i guess i am my first enemy.
fight : beating people up in sixth grade for making fun of me.
crush : natalie portman
love : parents... i suppose that bond that babies have for their caretakers would be called “love” right? that dependence.
true love: they are all true and monumentally important to me.
crush : i forget, either stacy or eric
getting your heart broken : the first one. i really don’t remember but i’m sure it was someone i was close to decided they didn’t want to be friends with me anymore.
boyfriend/girlfriend : elizabeth
serious boyfriend/girlfriend : elizabeth
best friend : elizabeth
friend : michael
best friend : hmm... i guess elizabeth
kiss and age : probably my mum and i was zero
having sex : eighteen, she wasn’t yet though. hmm...
partner : it was elizabeth.
time going to the cinema : “batman” when i was five. my mum always tells the story of how really loudly in the theatre i yelled, “where’s robin” at one point and the whole audience laughed.
going to a play : “charlie and the chocolate factory” when i was six.
musical : i don’t exactly remember so it may be “oliver” when i was fifteen.
dvd : “city of angels”
book : stories about owl by arnold lobel
magazine : i got a subscription to “nintendo power”
album/cd : “jungle fever” by stevie wonder
cassette tape [audio] : stories about woodland. came with my mother goose lamp/tape deck.
vhs : ninja turtles cartoon. the one with the first episode.
tattoo : tattoo of potato
piercing : left ear lobe
time dying my hair : eighth or ninth
formal dance : senior year of high school.
time breaking a bone : never
first trip to the emergency room : for me it was when we had to take my father there because of an accident. but for me personally it was once when i was really sick from chemotherapy and they had to keep me there overnight and give me antibiotics and such until i just got admitted to the actual hospital in the morning.
time getting really sick : ninth grade, cancer
internet service provider : i had aol but in ‘94 or ‘95
login/screen name : augmino or fishsticks back when i had aol [don't remember which one was first though]
concert : i think "the cure" if you don't count sesame street, ninja turtles, or disney on ice as a concert.
award : memorizing and performing the “gettysberg address” in the second grade.
sport you joined : baseball.
pet : goldfish named after star wars characters.
vacation : disneyland.
country visited [other then birthplace] : canada, when i was still zero.
religion : atheist
political affliation : i was a communist first. it’s what made the most hypothetical sense, but in practice never works out i learned.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...well that is all for the quiz. thank you for reading and learning some more about me. i hope that you will do the same for me and answer them back. see you when i see you i suppose, ta!!

Lisa Loeb
“Everyday”
Goodbye my love I am going
I am slowing you down.
I can feel you stop
breathing when I come around,
I'm slowing you down.
Everyday Everyday
Everyday Everyday
Love turns it's back
just to stand in my way.
Goodbye my love
You don't get me,
You don't let me inside.
You once held me close
when you wanted to hide.
You pulled me in close
just to push me aside.
Goodbye.
Everyday Everyday
Everyday Everyday
Love turns it's back
just to stand in my way.
Goodbye my love
I'm going away,
I know you won't
follow me far.
Once I went out
just to look at the stars.
I asked you to join me,
but you were too tired.
I wanted you to see them too.
How could I let myself need you?
Everyday Everyday
Everyday Everyday
Goodbye my love
I am going I am slowing you down
I can feel you stop
breathing when I come around.
I'm slowing you down.
EverydayEveryday
EverydayEveryday
love turns it's back just to stand in my way.

my fat ex and my p.m.s.

2005-07-08T20:08:00.000-07:00

currently listening to : "the dresden dolls LP" by the dresden dolls

so i was actually glad the other day that i wasn't it my ex. i'd always been ok with it but now i was actually happy about it. the reason is horrible. i had a camera and i finished it off so that i could get it printed because it wasn't digital. so i took photo's of stuff to finish it off.

when i got it back i found out that was from my ex elizabeth's camping trip. i saw a picture of her without the love fogging my sight and she was fat...

ugh

...i feel bad that the reason i am really happy about it is that i got away from someone fat. i did love her, so much i didn't even see the fat. i would have spent my life with her but she really was lazy and let herself go. i mean she was a size zero when we met.

i don't know. i should stop talking, i probably sound so dumb and vain. so these are some of the pictures i took to waste the film...

not much better

...no flash is bad. plus, my scanner is really terrible. i mean it works but that is it. so these are all the photo's. i don't have much to say about them so just check it out...

takes such good photos

the city i live in

my car's bumper stickers

my potato tattoo

jedi jonathan

my torso and aaron's tele

headless feast

...the last one is the picture i took because i wanted one of those photos where the flash replaces the head. so i took one. i tried to make it look like my hands had something to do with my head exploding.

ok, so enough photography, i am out. i am on my last day. and i am also having my male-equivelent monthly emotional cycle flux. or as aaron says it, i'm "on my rag." i am so touchy today.

i went out with my father and brother even though i didn't want to go out anywere. i was trying to be nice but i found myself getting a bit snappy about things. a bit sassier. i figure since i wouldn't see my brother for a while i'd force spending time.

my mum later was being mean and just getting on me with her comments. i tried to be quiet and just not say anything because it might be mean but she kept picking on me. my mum and i don't get along well typically and so we stay at a very surface relationship.

we talk but nothing personal. just very bland and faceless comments and even those are still hard. my mum is all latina and so everything sounds like annoyed yelling. i know it's also that i'm being sensitive, that said, i still can't wait for tomarrow to come.

i guess that is all for now. take care and i hope you have a lovely saturday. i know mine will be full of activity. love you all, ta!!

the arcade fire
"Neighborhood #3 (Power Out)"
I woke up with the power out,
not really something to shout about.
Ice has covered up my parents hands
don't have any dreams don't have any plans.
I went out into the night,
I went out to find some light.
Kids are swingin' from the power lines,
nobody's home, so nobody minds.
I woke up on the darkest night,
neighbors all were shoutin' that they found the light.
("We found the light")
Shadows jumpin' all over my walls
some of them big, some of them small.
I went out into the night.
I went out to pick a fight with anyone.
Light a candle for the kids,
Jesus Christ don't keep it hid!
Ice has covered up my parents hands
don't have any dreams don't have any plans.
Growin' up in some strange storm,
nobody's cold, nobody's warm.
I went out into the night,
I went out to find some light.
Kids are dyin' out in the snow,
look at them go, look at them go!
And the power's out in the heart of man,
take it from your heart put in your hand.
What's the plan?
Is it a dream? Is it a lie?
I think I'll let you decide.
Just light a candle for the kids,
Jesus Christ don't keep it hid!
Cause nothin's hid, from us kids!
You ain't foolin' nobody with the lights out!
And the power's out in the heart of man,
take it from your heart put in your hand.
And there's something wrong in the heart of man,
you take it from your heart and put it in your hand!
Where'd you go?!

just a brief blurb

2005-07-06T02:22:00.000-07:00

listening to : the clacking of the keys on the keyboard as i type

so i am spending the night at aaron's house. it wasn't my plan but he asked me to take him to work tomarrow morning since i am here anyway. what am i doing here? well this is what happened.

so i made dinner. which was simply some pinto beans in corn tortillas. then i watched stella. stella on comedy central. it is the best. it is something i am excited about. it makes me excited about television. i haven't been this way since "home movies" was on the air. it is so neat to have a show i really love. something to look forward to. man, it really is sad to have it be a television show. oh well.

so i saw the latest episode and it was fantabulous. scrumbetiolus! everything good about humour is in this show. i think everyone in the world who watches television should watch this.

so after that i went to aaron's house because i wanted to play animal crossing. i let him borrow my gamecube and the game and he is using my memory card and so he is using my town of stupenza. so i wanted to play the game because i am still there and i now have two people to interact with.

there is a task i have to do to clear weeds out of the town since it hasn't been played in so long but only between the hours of one and three in the morning. so i am going to go to take care of that now. hold on...

...

...hmm, since this is a post that didn't have to be written. or this either. but now i need that to qualify this so... they both cancel each other out and stay in my entry. huzzah, what joy. ok so let me tell you how it went. i couldn't find the ghost. i guess he couldn't come out tonight.

so i came over after stella to play the game and before aaron went to sleep he asked me to take him. so now i am here staying the night. that is all. i am only talking about stella and animal crossing in this entry. a television show and a videogame. what a lame-o i am.

oh well, at least my mood is good. everyone take care. i'm going to play more animal crossing before getting to sleep. to everyone i will nothing but good. see y'all around. love ya, ta!!

ben folds five
"video"
barren stares as they light up the screen
bearing teardrops that shatter in slow-motion
novocaine our brains and we're out like lights
but as i'm growing older i'm bored
i remember when misery thrilled me much more
when i can't relax
and i'd like to go back
but that's gone
yeah, that's gone, turn around
turn the volume down
we're counting the days down
'til the day when we live in a video
i'll be stone-faced and pale
you'll pout in stereo
24 hours every day of the year
oh, what fun i can't wait 'til the future gets here
closing in on the pain and the torture
he's slamming the doors like it's something to strive for
the girl tearing the curtains down looks funny as hell
and a sense of humor can there be any doubt
now that natural selection just weeded it out
used to keep me from laughing out loud
but that's gone
we don't think that way no more
that's gone, turn around, turn the volume down
we're counting the days down
'til the day when we live in a video
i'll be stone-faced and pale
you'll pout in stereo
24 hours every day of the year
oh, what fun i can't wait 'til the future gets here
well i've seen some old friends sort of die
or just turn into whatever
must've been inside them
and whatever all of us had then in common
grew up and left home
we don't think that way no more
turn around, turn the volume down
we're counting the days down
'til the day when we live in a video
i'll be stone-faced and pale
you'll pout in stereo
24 hours every day of the year
oh, what fun i can't wait 'til the future gets here

freedom and independence

2005-07-05T20:08:00.000-07:00

currently listening to : “the dresden dolls LP” by the dresden dolls

hello there. so i’d written something on saturday or sunday or something but i ending up not finishing it i guess because it never got posted so here it is. in the biz this is called burning off the excess...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
currently listening to : “mezmerize LP” by system of a down

that is a really good album. easily my favourite album by them. i wish it would bring the metal more and be harder but it is so creatively and cleverly done i don’t mind. man oh man, it is good.

so last night we did the whole thing at the lan cafe. it was fun but the computers were old and so they sorta sucked. we could play battlefield 2 but only with everything on the lowest setting. here are photo’s of us being super dorky...

aaron at the lan cafe

me also lan-ing

...well that was fun, eh? so after that i went to aaron’s house and while he played ps2 i was online doing... not much honestly. just kinda caught up with things.

then his girlfriend came home and aaron kicked me off the computer. it was fine because i brought my guitar just in case i had nothing to do i could practice.

i played a bunch of old songs from the sixties and eighties. it was loads of fun. carrie [the girlfriend] sang along with me. it was really funny how into singing “you give love... a bad name!” she was. in that corny husky voice. good times indeed.

then i left and got peggy and we went out to a pub. that was fun. ca
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...ok well i got that knocked off, eh? so here i am to comment on my past. mood? well, i guess i’m getting excited. the week is almost over. i watched “ghost world” again. it is so good. so so good. i completely forgot how my plans to run off to canada i first got from “ghost world”. it’s funny.

so i am very excited about bits i’m still keeping under wraps but not for long. on july fourth here in the states we all celebrate our independence and freedom and such. so what did i do?

well at the start of the day i went with aaron to his father’s house to a barbecue. it was funny because the whole time i was there ; which was all day ; all i ate was grilled bell peppers, a cob of corn and two cans of coke. being the only vegan was amusing. in that hungry for variety way.

so using our forefathers freedom aaron and i watched classic “twilight zone” because there was a marathon on sci-fi channel. that is it. we didn’t socialize with anyone. aaron just went for the ribs and potato salad.

so then at seven i picked up peggy and we went into san francisco to the “hotel utah” and i signed up to play. then we sat and watched acts play. dylan just sorta came super late. so i sat with peggy and drank a lot of water while she downed bud lights.

we watched all the cool mix of people get up and play. there was one dude who got up and played the hendrix version of the national anthem and from up on the top floor where we were this other guy was flipping him off...

flipping off the national anthem

...it is funny because he’s this heavy guy and in the photo you can see the grease on his hands because he was eating all these ribs and fries. i took a picture of him while he was doing stand up...

heavyset drunk who flipped

...he was so inebriated. i loved his act though. funny as sin he was. he act like most was a huge critique of bush. everyone was celebrating today with a sneer and sarcasm. i haven’t heard the word “freedom” used so sardonically ever.

so while everyone was attacking our country i was watching in awe. to hear their disdain of america was one thing but to hear them make it sound as if we were worse then other countries was mad. i personally don’t think any nation is better or worse then any other. frankly, all the shit seems smeared alike but i don’t go about screaming hypocrisies. oh well, here is a photo of me when peggy was testing out my camera...

peggy testing the cam

...she sucks with technical things so she wanted to practice so she could take pictures while i played. she ended up not understanding how to use my camera anyway. but she was able to take two photos.

so dylan went up for his half-hour and did rather well. the bass parts in the songs were mostly well within my range. i have to remember to tell him that. i have to call him. or myspace or something. anyway so he did rather well.

then it was my turn and i went up and i played. i never mentioned this before but chris kehoe makes me really nervous. not in general or in conversation or anything but when i am doing music stuff. he critiques me harshly. not to be helpful or anything but in a mockery way. just making fun of me to others. only commenting for the sake of a joke.

so i choke when i have to play in front of him because i think about him judging me. so then i do bad. and i think about him judging me for doing bad and i get worse. i just start spinning. cycling all the negatives.

so it was hard to see under the lights but i could clearly see him watching me and it drove me batty. so i started into “o girlfriend” and i was playing too fast and my throat was all lumpy and i couldn’t hit simple notes.

i ruined the song and i felt terrible. i was shaking and i couldn’t think about anything. all i saw was chris. it sucked. i just felt everything that could go wrong going wrong...

ruining my self-esteem

...then there were two song that i just started playing. i did next “hey jude” and dylan played drums with me on it. he just said, “can i drum?” and everything was shite already anyway what did i care? man, i did really bad with this one as well and people were boo-ing me. for the first time i was booed...

butchering “hey jude”

...i was also mocked. they made fun of my voice. they hooted and all that. i had never been heckled before but people were yelling at me while i was ruining the songs. my self-esteem died.

i started to feel terrible. i got mean as well. in between songs i was yelling back and being really self-deprecating and mean to myself. i really beat myself up on stage.

my last song was supposed to be my contextual one. i did the star spangled banner. i can pull it off but with my nerves and feelings and voice at the depths they were i got nothing done well. i think my guitar playing was passable during it but my voice was so off.

i don’t have a picture of that song because peggy got too lost but i guess that is just as well. oh man. when i finished i said, “thank you, you’ve been a terrible audience. i think i’ll go weep in the corner if you need me.” i am a ; normally ; super nice person so i am amazed that i was so mean to my audience. i’m really not like it.

it only gave me more fodder to beat myself up. i got peggy and we left. i went back to her house and we played music. i washed away all the negative by looking thru a guitar songbook and playing songs on guitar all night while we both sang along. it was good.

i went home feeling better and i even slept in an all right mood. even though all day i didn’t eat a thing, well, barely. i slept. then tuesday i woke up excited. i had “stella” to look forward to. that’s sad isn’t it? being excited cuz of a show on the tele. oh well.

so that’s all for now. i let aaron borrow my gamecube, animal crossing, zelda, twin snakes and three memory cards. also one controller. just so i don’t forget at the end of the month.

i end it now. goodnight. or whatever time of day you read this. “ghost world” equals ennui. that’s just how it is. i can totally relate though. i love you, i hope you are well. it just really hit me how much i give a shit what kendra thinks of me. i leave you with that curious comment, ta!!

third eye blind
“faster”
those horny and burned out
now is how it always ends for me
and chemicals wearing me
down in your summertime
bacchanalian
i saw her go faster than the morning comes
she walks away like a lady
it's always the fallen ones i think
are always gonna save me
i want to go
faster whoa
i wanna get off one time and not apologize
whoa i've gotta steal the time
of a life that's passing by
and then she flexes her knees
to try and abate the feeling
she mouths the words 'please'
to the poster on the ceiling
i want to go faster and right in front of me
she stares at him so madly
she's got the nerve to say
she wants to fuck that boy so badly
i saw her go
faster whoa
i wanna get off one time and not apologize
whoa i've gotta steal the time
of a life that's passing by
whoa i wanna get off one time
oh i wanna get off one time
and off one time
i was hoping you'd be there waiting for me
when i was waiting you were waiting
you were waiting for me
and hoping you'd be there waiting for me
when i was waiting for you
hoping you'd be waiting for me
i was hoping you'd be there waiting for me baby
i need your loving kinda way,
a way nobody but me
and then i was hoping you'd be waiting for me
hoping you would be waiting for me
oh i want to get off one time
oh i get off one time
oh wanna go
whoa get off one time and not apologize
and not apologize!

nasa's justified exploding.

2005-07-03T20:08:00.000-07:00

i posted this on my myspace but not everyone i know uses myspace and i thought this was neat!

comet killing

how awesome is that? it's such a fourth of july thing for us in the states to have. amazing timing. i love what we do for science.

some bloke wondering how to search inside it decided blowing it up was best, which i think is awesome.

self

2005-07-02T15:33:00.000-07:00

currently listening to : “out of the vein LP” by third eye blind and also watching and listening to live8 in the background.

my mum just asked me why my last relationship didn’t work out and wants all the details. i am mortified. i also told her no. hmm... i guess it’s odd to talk to my mum. i don’t know i just felt very uncomfortable and almost as if i were being attacked when she asked. in trying to be coy and sly about wanting to know all the messy details i felt it was abrasive and contrived. i didn’t like it. i told her nothing. i was honest. i said, “i don’t want to talk about it” which is true, i don’t, with her. i’m not sure if that makes me a jerk or not.

last night i slept poorly again. this time it wasn’t sex but it sorta was. my dreams were highly sexual but in a restrained flirtatious way. i was courting some girl in my dream. it causes me to wake up a bunch of times. and i woke up at five because of it.

i just remember the conversation full of flirtation. the excuses to touch. me using my lower voice register. all the ways i flirt in real life so it felt pretty real at the time and i remember coming out of sleep with an erection so my head didn’t know any better either. the power of dreams is amusing.

i wonder why i’ve been dreaming the way i have. is this what being a sexual being is? before this my sex drive was broken and off and now it’s messed up cuz it’s working too hard. i’m ok during the hours i’m awake but sleeping is... not as ok.

there is only so much musing i can do on the subject. i haven’t really thought about it much though. i mean, perhaps because i don’t have one person i’m focusing my attraction on i created one. perhaps? who knows? it’s not a huge deal because my sleep patterns kinda suck as it is.

so yesterday was a nice one. day, that is. it began with me getting up with my father coming over and we were going to hang out with our kid. just the three of us. we couldn’t think of anything to do so finally he said that we should just go to the cineplex.

so we did and i saw “war of the worlds” again. damn, that is a fine popcorn-summer-event-disaster piece. still amazed at the restraint and only one aspect of the ending made it... y’know what? i really wanna go off on it for a bit but i don’t want to ruin anything so i’m just going to have a spoiler warning for anyone who hasn’t seen it yet.

**spoiler**spoiler**spoiler**
ok. so my only grip with the picture has been with the son. and one simple thing would have made it ok. he was overzealous and wanted throughout the flick to martyr himself. they showed it a number of times and really set in up in a number of layers.

they set up his frustrations and yearning to be more then he was. and saving the people on the hudson ferry was just another layer of it. also he was really annoying. not because of bad acting or anything but because he was playing his role well. i didn’t like his character but i wasn’t supposed to the scene were he leaves them to go to the military battle proved that.

but then in what i can only guess is spielberg wanting a super happy ending had to have all the principals live at the end. but it hurt the film because on a sick level the annoying character you wished would die, didn’t. and even just thematically they set up his redemption in death but ruined it with an implausible return at the end.

it also makes the whole ending sadder because the mother and everyone didn’t lose anything. they could be their happy family which means tom cruise would still be the outsider. i mean you saw how he stood at the end. he kept his distance. he didn’t know how to be a part of their lives and since they didn’t have the son’s loss to share nothing had to change.

other then that i loved it i just wish the son died at that military scene. i loved that they kept the ending from the original book. i heard a lot of complaints about it being anticlimactic and such but that is how the book was. that was how every screen version has ever treated it. and when people complain that it was just a big action thing but this ending was set up in the opening shot. i thought it was abrupt and all but it was still really good. until the son comes out the door and everyone was smiling. i mean if it was crying and hugging and tom cruise with the family mourning not just the loss of a son but in essence mourning the hundred of millions that were lost.
***end***end***end***end***

i still really enjoyed it the second time even though the tension was mostly gone. i enjoyed it but wasn’t nervous the whole time. after that i went to the theatre playing “land of the dead” because i had the chance and i really wanted to see that.

~land of the dead~
so i really enjoy zombie films. even bad ones. but george a. romero doesn’t make those. he creates these films that are charming and smartly done. not only for the sake of violence but to have fun and sneak in some not so subtle critiques at society.

this one in particular takes pretty obvious swipes at republicans. in the future of the zombie’s taking over they come closer and closer to human. they are actually more connected to each other then humans. they never kill each other while all the “humans” just bicker and kill each other.

there is a strong critique of the class system. this isn’t just a zombie film but a statement as all the romero zombie flicks have been. always a comment on the current state of affairs without seeming preachy.

it is gory and graphic and violent though so not everyone may be down with seeing it. but if you’re not easily offended then you should check it out. it is awesome.

i know this is a kinda terrible review. but i just don’t feel like getting too much into why i like it even though i have a ton of reasons. i just felt like saying whether i enjoyed it or not and if other people may like it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

so after that i went home and made fried zucchini and wrapped it in tortillas. it was ok. just sustaining. it was the first food i had all day except for popcorn and i felt sick about it. i was sick all night and even this morning my stomach was feeling kinda crummy.

so last night after eating i went and picked up peggy and we talked loads about sex. i’m the more kinky one usually with my friends but i’d never been in a foursome so she had me beat. is it ok to write that? i should ask.

then we went to san francisco’s famous “big al’s” and giggled at titillating toys and “movies”. marveled at the size of some dildos. and such and such. then we just walked around north beach for a bit. we ending up at this pub that had live jazz music. we had a drink and talked and listened to music for a bit and then peggy decided she was ready to go home. i got a photo or two before we left...

~
~

...the first one she didn’t like because of her eyes being shut and the second i thought was off cuz of the plants intrusion in the shot. so of course those are the two i use. the ones we look worst in. yea ha!

so after i took her home i took myself home and i went to bed. i didn’t sleep but i went to bed. today i didn’t do much. i watched this live8 thing on the tele all day on and off. i read a bit. i was online for a bit and i wrote this.

aaron called me and wants to go do this lan cafe thing at about five so i’ll be getting dressed for that. but other then that i suppose i’m off for now. take care of yourselves and everyone else. much peace and love in your hearts from me. go visit www.one.org because today is about raising awareness so i guess it's the least i could do. i love ya, ta!!

pink floyd
“wish you were here”
so, so you think you can tell
heaven from hell,
blue skies from pain.
can you tell a green field
from a cold steel rail?
a smile from a veil?
do you think you can tell?
and did they get you
trade your heroes for ghosts?
hot ashes for trees?
hot air for a cool breeze?
cold comfort for change?
and did you exchange
a walk on part in the war
for a lead role in a cage?
how i wish,
how i wish you were here.
we're just two lost souls
swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year,
running over the same old ground.
what have we found?
the same old fears,
wish you were here.

social commentary?

2005-07-02T14:22:00.000-07:00

i thought it was a bit mean spirited but also funny and proper. i guess it's just kinda cynical but i don't think it's off by much. about society as a whole not just people.

dreams, danielle and destruction

2005-07-01T13:11:00.000-07:00

currently listening to : “cake and pie LP” by lisa loeb and “montigola underground LP” by kaitO

i had some of the oddest dreams last night. they were quite sexual as well. i went to this spooky girl’s house to spend the night and it turned to sex. we were watching tele and i don’t remember the dream well anymore but it turned into sex.

i remembered she was wearing black and white striped leggings and a short black skirt and she had a black shirt. so far this is how zuey dresses but it wasn’t her i was thinking about. at least consciously. she had purple hair and acne though. she wasn’t pale like zuey either but something darker.

i had another dream early this morning with the same girl and we were still sneaking sex in but on an island shore this time and we were still worried about getting caught. but we actually got caught a bunch of times but all that happened was invisible hands tickled our feet. i am super ticklish so it actually would wake me up. then i’d fall asleep again and beach, sex, tickle and awake just like all the other times. i don’t remember how many times it repeated.

so that was sleep. i didn’t get much because of the explicit dreaming. but last night was cool. i first met with danielle and played with her for a few hours.

that was really cool. danielle and i only hung out together once before but this time it was with instruments. i played some of my songs and she played bass on them. she wrote some cool bass parts which made me happy because the bass parts i normally write are really simple. so it was cool having a better bassist to play with.

also we talked about old television shows just like i do with c.w. but where c.w. and i would get too caught up in it and not get anything done here we actually did stuff. i had a lot of fun and i hope we can work together in the future.

so after leaving her house i went home because calling aaron’s line didn’t yield results. finally he called me back after a while and he confirmed we were going to see “war of the worlds”. great. i was going to invite peggy to come along but randomly aaron called again and said he was out in front of my house waiting for me.

so i ran off. we got “in and out” it was so good. oh man, it was delicious. so after that we went to the cinema. i snuck food into my pants ; cuz everyone eats fast and i eat slow ; and into the theatre we went.

~~~war of the worlds~~~
i’ve heard not many positive things about this film. i don’t know what they were expecting or wanting but it was so awesome. i loved it. i thought it was a great disaster piece. yeah, it retread familiar territory for steven spielberg, but i thought it was awesome.

the effect, the acting, the story ; everything. if you’d read the book most of the core elements stayed the same but it was really modernized. the tripods looked awesome, the aliens were realistic and even a bit cute. but it fit into the story.

the only gripe i had was the son. he was an annoying character and a lot of the issues involving him really didn’t fit the story they were telling. the end of his character arc in particular i really disliked.

but other then that this film was great. as long as you know it is a big budget disaster film you can appreciate it. it is one of the better examples of the genre.
it was really suspenseful for me, which is funny because i don’t get scared at horror flicks or anything but in this one i was holding my breath and i really felt like something was going to hurt me a bunch of times. and the scenes with all the masses i worried that the main characters were going to be killed or raped or something.

there are a number of obvious plot gaps and gaffs but if you just let go of the inner critic and enjoy they don’t get hugely in the way of the story. if you are not anti-commericial filmmaking then this is such an awesome piece. i really dug it.

one thing was really amazing and new to the genre was how focused on the main family. normally these films are huge and pull back to show all the destruction and all the corny shots of landmarks blowing up. but this film showed such restraint and kept shots in their view. so you didn’t see much of what was going on and you didn’t know a lot of the story. it was shot and edited so you were really kept with the family. spielberg fucking rocks!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

so after the flick i am buzzing. i thought it was so good. i was dripping with joy. they dropped me off back at home and i would hear noises going up the stairs and their would be flashes of light and it freaked me out. that film got into me deep.

i got in the house and i had a message from non-pacifica sarah so i called her and we were talking and i’d see flashes from the window and my heart would stop. it is so amazing to be effected by a popcorn film like that. i thought it was really neat.

the phone call with sarah was nice. we talked about how strained our relationship had become. we care about each other but we are drifting apart and we talked about it.

we talked for hours until she forced herself off because she had to get up early for work. so that’s what happened. take care all and i hope you are doing well. if you don’t hate mainstream films go see “war of the worlds”. i love you very much and hope i’ll see you later, ta!!

lisa loeb
“underdog”
i like things that are so good.
you are so so good.
i like you.
but i am the underdog
i am the last in line.
don't be the enemy,
don't stand in back of me.
freezing, boring,
wondering where i'll be on my birthday.
you kissed me in a dream last night,
how could i
i wouldn't know,
'cause i am the underdog.
i am the last in line.
don't be the enemy,
don't stand in back of me.
will you be my friend?
now i understand,
that i more than like you.
i am the underdog
i am the last in line.
don't be the enemy,
don't stand in back of me.
lalala da-dah
i am the underdog.
i am the last in line.
don't be the enemy,
don't stand in back of me.
i am the underdog.
i am the last in line.
don't be the enemy,
don't be the enemy.
hmmmmmm
i like things that are so good,
you are so so good.

just...

2005-06-29T13:11:00.000-07:00

listening to : “tone soul evolution LP” by apples in stereo

“stella” is good. i mean great. absolutely double top! it is not a sitcom or a sketch show but kinda a mix. it’s like the episodic situational stuff the three stooges did. “stella” has a lot in common with the three stooges actually.

in case you don’t know what i’m talking about “stella” is a new comedy show on comedy central. i was interested in watching it because michael ian black is in it and i love him. it is kinda random and it got pretty obscene at points but it was so hysterical. anyway if you have comedy central channel you need to check it out.

so yesterday was cool. it began with me getting aaron and going to his house. we played videogames. he has this game for his computer called, “battlefield 2” and it is super groovy. then we went to eb games [the videogame store] and he traded in something and bought some things. i was his driver on the excursion. he got me food so it was fine.

then we ended up at my house where we played more videogames. in case you don’t know aaron is all about the videogames. so that went on until he needed to go home. it was still an hour before i was supposed to call peggy so i figured i’d stay at his house. and i did. i kept my guitar from my car and just kinda noodled around while he played videogames with his girlfriend. the reason that he had to be home was to be there when she got back.

so i played guitar. they played videogames. i played videogames with them too. then they left to do something. i stayed and waited till six. then i called peggy about plans.

she was being weird. she does this thing about being really noncommittal about plans at the time when they are supposed to be finalized. finally i was able to get her to decide upon things. we were set to go.

so i went to get her and we went to the really cool cinema in burlingame. it was there that we saw the film, “my summer of love”...

~~~my summer of love~~~
so there is so much i could discuss about this film but it all involves all the twists and turns of the character. one thing i can say is that the poster for this film is really good. it has three *major* clues to the nature of the film and its characters.

the acting is well done. the direction and style of the film is just this total rip-off of seventies french cinema. but unlike “the virgin suicides” i believe that in this case it is more justified. i couldn’t say why because that leads into ruining the story.

i don’t know how you’d feel about this film but it probably won’t be a passive feeling. i could see people either loving it or hating it. i suggest seeing it with a friend so you can discuss it afterwards.

i rather muchly enjoyed it. if anything, it reminds me of “heavenly creatures” for a number of reasons. if it is playing near you it should be watched. just to see it and form an opinion.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...it was rather fun and after that we were walking and peggy totally forgot where we parked. she thought my car was in completely different a direction then it was. i thought it was funny.

so then peggy was hungry and we got “in and out burger”. i got my usual vegan friendly sandwich with fries well done. i didn’t want to just eat there i wanted to go somewhere nice. so i took us to the wind harp.

it was a muggy night and the wind was bitter cold. but we braved it and sat on my car and watched the skyline of san bruno and ate. it was nice. we didn’t talk much but just admire the sky.

then we walked to the wind harp. since it was windy it was making all these otherworldly noises. it was really creepy sounding but cool. it’s one of the few huge modern art pieces i actually enjoy.

so then i took her home and i was telling her about “stella” and so she invited me over watched it with me. i already gushed about the goodness of “stella” so i won’t anymore.

so i was talking at some point to peggy about how i don’t masturbate regularly anymore. like i just am off about it now. but it’s made me oddly creative. instead of wanking in the shower i’ve been thinking up ideas of shite products that i could probably market to people who love corny crap. there is this mall store j’deteste [or is it je’deteste?] called “spencer’s gifts” and they just market things of a mean or sexual nature and just have the cheapest and crudest jokes on sale. so that store would be a place that would market the crap i thought up.

so the first one was breath mints in the shape of all the huge famous structures in the world. it would be called, “monu-mints”. corny right? moving on. so the other idea i had in the shower is “x and y cereal”.

it would be like marshmallow alphabits. their would be grain pieces that represent all the male gender. by which i mean that it would be grain letter “y” pieces and penises. then it would have marshmallow letter “x” and varying shades of red and pink marshmallow vagina’s.

i could see cheeky little schoolers taking the penis and driving it into the marshmallow vagina. i don’t know why ideas like those have taken the place of wanking. i am this on and off sexual creature but sometimes i feel like my inner... erm, sexuality is kinda broken.

i mean, people still turn me on, or off. so i’m not completely off but my body is really different. i don’t know what my habits are because i used to have sex regularly. i was in a committed relationship. and i used to masturbate every day and it was a really creative experience. i would have such creative fantasies. but now i can’t be bothered for whatever reason.

while i’m just going off on a tangent i am done with this weird flirtation with zuey. next time i see her no more courting. i’m just going to be her friend. i want us to be friends and the only way to stop being weird is to stop being weird. nothing is going to happen romantically and i am ok with that. i should be moving on. which at the moment is just fancying no one.

well i guess that is all for me for now. please take care and know how much i love you can’t wait to see you. i lie in wait. until then, ta!!

beatles
“looking through you”
i'm looking through you, where did you go
i thought i knew you, what did i know
you don't look different, but you have changed
i'm looking through you, you're not the same
your lips are moving, i cannot hear
your voice is soothing, but the words aren't clear
you don't sound different, i've learned the game
i'm looking through you, you're not the same
why, tell me why, did you not treat me right?
love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight
you're thinking of me, the same old way
you were above me, but not today
the only difference is you're down there
i'm looking through you, and you're nowhere
why, tell me why, did you not treat me right?
love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight
i'm looking through you, where did you go
i thought i knew you, what did i know
you don't look different, but you have changed
i'm looking through you, you're not the same

my day at the gay pride parade

2005-06-27T02:22:00.000-07:00

currently listening to : “shades of violet LP” by violet vonder haar. she’s this little indie folk kid who’s album you should support if you enjoy it at all by buying her album so she can do this for a living so i can get more albums from her. check her out...

click me for album info and to hear stuff

...i know this is an odd way for me to begin an entry but she is keen and making things happen for herself at a young enough age i am jealous of her ; in a good way ; and would love to see her be a success.

anyway, so sunday i woke up and called sarah [i guess i should mention that this is sarah from pacifica that i will talk about this whole entry] and she wasn’t awake yet. so finally i talked to rosie and she was going to pick me up at noon.

everything went wrong and rosie ending up coming over late. we left after one. it was it’s own thing. amusing i suppose. so i got in the car and it was corbie, rosie and zuey. yeah, so i would have pictures of everything and everyone from today but my camera’s batteries died. bummer.

so we were walking to this thing at the cannery in san francisco. we took the bart to san francisco first then we walked all the way to the place but right before we got there sarah was angry and sad we were not at the gay pride concert main stage yet.

so we aborted the plan to go to art show right before we got there. we were only a few blocks away. but we turned back and walked to where we came from to walk to the civic centre.

while this is going on rosie is pissed. she is taking everything really poorly and sulking and such. she tends to really over react. i’m trying to make her feel better but it’s not working. she’s not having it. she just needs to blow off steam and just get over it in time. logic doesn’t work on her.

also why walking there and back i am flirting with zuey. i’m really trying not to. i try to resist that sinking feeling i get in my chest when i look in her eyes but i can’t help it. i still notice every move she makes and still try to say things cleverly. ugh. i’m fawning over her. why is she so lovely to look at. makes me tremble.

we get to the stage after much effort. we lose corbie though and rosie runs off to find jennifer and her boyfriend. they all come back and that guy from the other night is with them. darn, i wish i could remember his name. oh well, but still no sarah.

sarah calls looking for us and zuey, that guy and myself try but nothing ends up working. we can’t figure it out. so everyone gives up but i am determined to find her so i continue the search alone while third eye blind is on stage playing. i really wanted to watch their set but i can hear them and i’m looking for sarah.

so many people go to the bloody san francisco gay pride parade. so she makes a pay phone call to rosie’s cell and using the bits of information i can hear i manage to get to her. i was so excited to see her. she was wearing a rae sweatshirt. ha!

she said i should bring everyone to her part of the stage so i do. we finish out the concert all together. well the third eye blind set anyway. then after that we go to walk to this pizza place in north beach called nappoli’s or something close to that.

i am fragile and the walk there is tough. i am ignored in groups. i guess i should try harder to stand out but it wasn’t possible with zuey there. normally i would just be charming with everyone. but i felt inside i just wanted zuey and instead of being selfish i chose to withdrawal and be the isolated one.

see they are all friends and have been for the longest time while i only met most of them one other time recently so being with that group they can all have their patterns but for me to be a part of it i had to be more active but because of my thing with zuey i chose not to be a part of the group. i sorta made myself fringe but still felt sad and lonely in the situation.

everyone ate pizza and sat in chairs. there were no chairs left for me. i stood and watched, vegan that i am as everyone ate. after it was decided everyone was tired and wanted to leave. so we separated.

i forgot to tell you about one awkward moment during the day. the entire day i’d been really clever talking to zuey. i do not ; do not ; know how to flirt so i tell really long winded stories and make odd random connections as my way of flirting and zuey thinks their funny and sweet but after the third or fourth one i’m talking with her about how i like her.

we’re talking and suddenly i’m more candid then i was even being with myself with her. we’re talking about why i always feel the need to have these grandiose ways of saying, “i love you” or “i think you’re cool” things like that. for me i make a different huge production out of it. and i basically say that i keep finding new ways to say it because, “...i’m waiting for the time when you’ll actually hear it.”

i admitted to still pining/pursuing her. sort of. i got very flushed and shy and i felt stupid and i just muttered to her that i felt like and ass and ran off. i sat on the floor and sulked for a bit. i felt sad and dumb. she passed by me and patted me on the head. i stood up and apologized. she reassured me. awkwardness passed.

another thing about the day is she kept biting me. eating me. my left arm. she said i taste like nothing. she got saliva on me and didn’t let me wipe my arm clean of it. not that i would have anyway. i loved the attention and closeness with her. she always left teeth marks and i was always bummed when they went away.

rosie bit my arm twice herself. it was my left side. same as always with zuey. i wonder why they both like chewing on my left arm. one time when zuey was chewing on me and she was telling me how everyone tastes like something but i taste like nothing. so she had me chew on her arm. i was there walking in san francisco with my lips on her skin and my teeth indenting themselves to her. my tongue tasting zuey and the sensation of it all overcoming me.

so back to the separation at the pizza place. so rosie, corbie, that guy and sarah would go in jennifer and her boyfriend’s car. zuey, this friend of group that i hadn’t met yet named dawn, and myself would take the bart. then we would meet at the train station where rosie had parked her car.

it was neat walking back to the bart station on market street because since it was just dawn and zuey i didn’t worry about seeming focused on zuey as much because i could also acknowledge dawn and such because it was a small group i could just be more outgoing with zuey again by default. plus, i wasn’t spazzing about what stupid thing i said.

zuey touches her hair every minute. at least once. i think it’s cute. i would. it’s obsessive and egotistical. it’s unnecessary. it is something i have in common with her. i like her hair. i touch it sometimes. i find that i make excuses to touch zuey. how lame, right?

so we get to the station. i am talking and dawn calls me a lesbian. she is a lesbian but she says i talk like one. just because i am so passionate about my opinions and feelings and really into to equality and such. it was funny though. we talked about fingering as well because she said that of course i clip my nails all the time, i’m a lesbian as if you couldn’t finger someone with nails. i mean to be kind i’m sure... never mind anyway that was fine.

we get onto the train and zuey sits with dawn but asks me if i want to sit on her lap so i can be part of the group. i agree. i am so happy. i sit on her lap and put my arms around her.

i look into her eyes, at her face and just breath her in. i actually drop my head into the top of her head and just breathe her in. the smell of her and her hair. hmm...

so, anyway, after a while she gets tired or sore from me sitting on her and she kicks me off. bummer. i am so fragile as it is. the first thing i tell zuey back when we first said hello in the car is that i am really fragile today. that i’m so close to breaking into sad little pieces.

well, i understood zuey’s reason for being tired of baring my weight but i wish she would have taken my offer of trading places instead of sitting me down on the other side of the aisle. i was saddened because i was so close and then i was suddenly ripped away.

what really bummed me out was that she stopped talking to me and began reading a magazine. so i felt so icky about it. i figured she could at least not read when i was there sitting alone doing nothing.

i am always honest in this as if it were my diary. but sometimes i get embarrassed about some of my thoughts and feelings because i know they are sort of silly or extreme and unmotivated. this is one of those times. i just can’t explain how it felt during the situation i can only sound much more weird and creepy then i am.

we get to the car and rosie and corbie are already there. they drop me off first because i’m the most out of the way. in the car we all talk about videogames. it is really cool.

i hug rosie when we get to my house. i say goodbye again as she leaves for san diego again. who knows when i will see her next. we leave on a positive note despite everything that happened today. i get out the car.

zuey is standing in the street. i hug her goodbye and hold her for too long. i go into my house and play conker. i end up finishing single player. i need to get into the multiplayer and online modes.

i have a burrito for dinner. i go online and check out mail. i talk/type to emily on aim. i write this. i am going now. the ninth can’t come fast enough. take care everyone. much love and i hope you are well. peace and such, ta!!

lisa loeb
“falling in love”
she wanted to be a cowboy
she was shootin' 'em down
she was tramping around.
he walked in crooked
with the clear blue eyes.
"there's a nice pool at my motel
you want to go for a swim?"
that night he moved in.
the time between meeting
and finally leaving is
sometimes called falling in love.
the time between meeting
and finally leaving is
sometimes called falling in love.
at night she'd wait
for the sound of his feet on the doormat,
the sound of his hand on the doorknob,
the sound of her heart beating in her head.
he'd go out playing nickel slots,
cause he knew he'd lose -
she didn't know
so she couldn't choose.
one night while sleeping along in her bed
the phone rang, she woke up,
and sat up and said,
"what time is it? what time is it?"
"well, it's 5:30 here and it's 2:30 there,
and i won't be home tonight," he said.
the time between meeting
and finally leaving is
sometimes called falling in love.
the time between meeting
and finally leaving is
sometimes called falling in love.
now she sits
in a booth in a diner,
waiting for someone
to take her order,
waiting for someone
to come and sit down.
she rubs the smudge
off the photograph
puts it back into her purse.
the grey sky was romatic
cause he was holding her hand,
he was her man.
the time between meeting
and finally leaving is
sometimes called falling in love.
the time between meeting
and finally leaving is
sometimes calling falling in love.
sometimes called falling in love.
she wanted to be a cowboy,
she was shootin' 'em down,
she was tramping around

too much to mention

2005-06-26T00:12:00.000-07:00

still listening to : wicked soundtrack

rosie is sick and hurting so she can’t see me today. or she doesn’t want to see me in the state she’s in. i feel abandoned again. i don’t think it’s her fault or she did anything to me. i just feel like it’s happened to me again.

everyone i get close to goes away. they get everything they need from me or something and they are gone. everyone i’ve ever gotten close to. i worry about stuff like that.

perhaps i am overreacting and being selfish and all that. i know rosie has all her shite going on as well. i really do but i can’t help the way i feel. honestly i feel left again. like my ex did to me. like every friend i’ve ever had.

i feel bad but i’m honestly not that sad. i just am trying to force myself to get used to the fact that i’m just a stepping stone. a wonderful place to visit that no one could ever live at.

finally i got her on the phone and she just said that she couldn’t go out today and she was stressed/worried about something but she didn’t want to talk about it again. i understand but honestly i can’t help but feel a bit hurt that whoever she told whether it was one other or a million it was too much to tell me.

she got a call and told me she was going to take that call. she apologized but somehow that made it worse. she knew she was choosing someone else. i’m being so immature about this i think. so sensitive. i’m totally man-perioding. my emotional level is a bit nutty at the moment. she said she’d call me back in a half hour but then that turned into she’d e-mail me.

she didn’t e-mail my e-mail address so either she was too under the weather to write or she did it over myspace. i guess i’ll check my myspace account... no nothing. she didn’t send me anything about tomorrow yet.

i’m torn right now. did i mention that she’s staying in san diego? instead of just the summer now it’s the fall and maybe a year more. that may turn into forever, who knows?

so i feel terrible because my honest feelings are hurt. i shouldn’t though. rosie has so much to think about and is probably really overcome with other feelings and i’m being all moody and such.

who am i? nothing. special to some and completely unknown to most. most who know me don’t really care. i said on myspace one word to describe me is “undervalued” and i just wrote the first thing that came to me but i’m really feeling that now.

not just rosie but i want so much to have people who believe me. how many people that i tell i love don’t love me back. they can’t say it back because it wouldn’t be true. what is it about me that loves so much? so easily. how can i open myself to hurt? why am i still even now willing to give my love to anyone who was hurting who needed me? even if they were just using me to feel better i’d allow it.

i just needed to write a little bit in you. i needed to vent to the world ; to nobody ; to myself ; that i’m hurting just a bit. that my veneer is flawed. i’m going to go now. i hope i do something with the pride parade tomarrow. i probably will. i must. rosie or not. ta!!

wicked soundtrack
“for good”
[elphaba]
i'm limited
just look at me - i'm limited
and just look at you -
you can do all i couldn't do,

[glinda]
so now it's up to you
(spoken) for both of us
(sung) now it's up to you:

[glinda]
i've heard it said
that people come into our lives for a reason
bringing something we must learn
and we are led
to those who help us most to grow
if we let them
and we help them in return
well, i don't know if i believe that's true
but i know i'm who i am today
because i knew you

like a comet pulled from orbit
as it passes a sun
like a stream that meets a boulder
halfway through the wood
who can say if i've been changed for the better?
but because i knew you
i have been changed for good

[elphaba]
it well may be
that we will never meet again
in this lifetime
so let me say before we part
so much of me
is made of what i learned from you
you'll be with me
like a handprint on my heart
and now whatever way our stories end
i know you have re-written mine
by being my friend
like a ship blown from its mooring
by a wind off the sea
like a seed dropped by a skybird
in a distant wood
who can say if i've been changed for the better?
but because i knew you

[glinda]
because i knew you:

[both]
i have been changed for good

[elphaba]
and just to clear the air
i ask forgiveness
for the things i've done you blame me for

[glinda]
but then, i guess we know
there's blame to share

[both]
and none of it seems to matter anymore

[glinda] [elphaba]
like a comet pulled like a ship blown
from orbit as it off it's mooring
passes a sun, like by a wind off the
a stream that meets sea, like a seed
a boulder, half-way dropped by a
through the wood bird in the wood

[both]
who can say if i've been changed for the better?
i do believe i have been changed for the better?

[glinda]
and because i knew you

[elphaba]
because i knew you

[both]
because i knew you
i have been changed for good.

dancing thru life

2005-06-25T12:12:00.000-07:00

currently enjoying : “wicked” original broadway cast soundtrack

thursday i got the wicked soundtrack from dylan and it is so good. i was listening to it for the first time while i was at a skate park i took our kid to. i was sitting in the grass reading a book and listening to the soundtrack and i couldn’t focus on the book because i was so enthralled in the story and the music of “wicked”.

with all these teenage boys around me getting scraped and bruised and i was nothing like that. i actually cried twice just listening to the soundtrack. it was very embarrassing for me. to sit in a park crying for seemingly no reason and wearing my ipod.

ok, well i guess that is enough about the wicked soundtrack but it makes me want to see the show even more when it comes to san francisco in august for a run. i’ll have to get someone to give me tickets for my birthday.

so thursday night i saw dylan and he invited me to go to see “land of the dead” at midnight. it sounded like a blast and i really wanted to. but dylan said his car was full. so i didn’t want to go all alone. so i decided to find someone. i called rosie and she gave me zuey’s number.

did i mention that rosie and zuey were back for the week? they leave again sunday night. i don’t think i did because rosie’s been really busy and unable to talk/see me. but now i got zuey’s number to call her. when i do she agrees but asked if ella can come along. so now i’ve got three people coming total.

so i get dressed and run trying to look like a zombie. i spend about thirty seconds getting my face made up. it doesn’t look too bad. romero zombie’s tend to have a grey/green to them and i don’t have anything other then green so i make due with no time and what little is going on facially...

see the green? total zombie!

...this was taken hours later so it doesn’t look as green or good as it was. not that it was ever that good. but considering the time spent on it it ended out well. so i went off to go pick them up.

i get to zuey’s house. hmm... still attracted to her, rats! not a problem though, not really, i mean, i resigned myself to her not being an option for anything more then friends already.

her and her friend got a call after i called from other friends who didn’t want to go but did want us to at least pass by. i thought it was fine. so we went to this dude’s house and there were a bunch of people there. one of them being sarah.

totally didn’t expect to see her. it was nice though. i’d been meaning to hang out with her for so long anyway. so they say they want to hang out but not pay money and go to the cinema. since dylan seemed to invite me as sorta an afterthought i decided hanging out with all these cool people was a nicer idea.

i was hanging out with sean, zuey, ella, elizabeth, sarah, trisha and that guy all within two cars. of them i found elizabeth, sarah and of course zuey totally physically appealing. normally i’m not attracted to the cowboys and girls i hang out with but here i was with three.

it was cool though because i was just being friends with them. the attraction was just there but i was their friend. i wasn’t trying to make anything more out of it. it was kinda grown up of me and it was easy ; i mean to say that it came naturally.

so we were at this house hanging out for a bit but then everyone wanted to move out. go to a park. so we separated into two cars. one was comprised of the three girls i wanted to talk to most ; just cuz i find it easier to be engaging with people i find attractive. is that vain of me? probably.

the other car with me as the driver had everyone else. so we get to this park and as soon as we are together this police car pulls up and tells us all it’s too late and we need to leave.

so we go back to zuey’s house and park in front. while zuey gets her stuff because she is spending the night at elizabeth’s house with sarah. yeah, all three of them together again, heh. so i take a photo of [left to right] ella, zuey and the top of sarah’s head...

sarah-centric three-shot

...i take it because sarah is searching thru my lunch pail. so after that we start walking toward the “quick stop”. one group goes to get cars and the other one walks the whole way. i go with zuey and sarah walking.

we all walk together with zuey holding my hand and keeping it warm. my hands get so cold on their own it’s as if they need to be held. it’s neat. we talk about musicals and such at one point. and zuey said, “you should go out with my sister she loves musicals” and at the time i thought, "it's you i wanted not your sister!" but i don’t say it out loud.

so we go to the shop and people buy things and elizabeth says that she is ready to go home which somehow turns into sean’s idea of going to the cemetery. so zuey goes in the other car and i am a passenger in the elizabeth led car with sarah in it.

we sing along to a number of songs and elizabeth vents about her frustrations. she is tired and is driving all around. so we get there and she goes on for a while and even steps into the place and walks a bit. but she just really wants to leave. i tell her she should leave and just take all the girls [sarah and zuey] staying at her house home. she does. i’m glad. she seemed really unhappy, i hope she was better.

so i run up ahead to catch up with the people who stayed. who at this point is only ella and sean. we get to a huge clown. seeing the clown come out of the shadows was kinda off-putting because i didn’t expect it...

carnie memorial

...it was their for a ton of dead circus performers. i didn’t know they stuck together like that even in death. it was really interesting. i’d never seen that before. another thing we passed is this...

reminded me of how long it’s been

...i totally thought of how much i miss becker. i wish i’d called him. i think i will. i love that kid and i know he loves me but it’s just been a while. i want to spend time with him before i leave.

another thing i saw that stood out in the darkness were these shiny balloons. it was to celebrate what would have been the twenty-forth birthday of someone...

this was sweet

i thought this was really nice and i’d never really seen it before. but making something sad and really celebrating all the good. focusing on the positive is really admirable. i really thought it was cool.

so after lurking for a bit finally i was taken to my car to go home which was good because i didn’t really want to be there but i didn’t want to complain about it. so i drove home and played more advent rising. that game is really fun.

friday i was hanging out with my family. it was odd. my mum and dad never do anything together. but we went to the great mall of milpitas. it really isn’t that great. it’s just bigger then most. but it didn’t feel that much bigger. a mall is a mall.

so mum, dad, our kid and i in a car for an hour driving there is loud. everyone in my family yells at each other about anything. and everything. so we finally get there and i am hot, unshowered and uncomfortable.

we go around all the little shops. the whole time i want to go to “dave and busters” it sounds like such a funny name and i have no idea what it is. i’d heard the name before and in the store directory is is listed a number of times under different subjects so i make it a goal to go to that store. first we go about and my family get ice cream while i look longingly at ice cream. why does dryer’s add milk to their sherbets? it’s so lame and unnecessary.

we also go to some clothing stores looking for suits but everything is too expensive. four hundred for a suit? drag! i did take a photo while i was there. i wanted to see how a suit looked on me. i was wearing a size forty and i felt it was too big but my father said it was right so i photographed it...

seeing if the suit suits me

...i suppose it looks alright on me but i think i’d rather go with size thirty-eight or thirty-nine. as far as pants go i’m smaller then last time. i was wearing size thirty-two pants and they didn’t fit. they fit but were kinda loosie-goosie baggy. i just realised how lame this is to read about so i’ll move on.

for lunch the food court was neat because it had such a huge variety of foods. i chose indian food because it was the first one that i saw that i really wanted. it was really good but i was so full after eating.

so then we dauwled over to finally see what “dave and buster’s” was. it is a casino for all ages. it had the whole games that earn you tickets thing like chucky cheeses and just regular old arcade games. also a bar and a full restaurant. funny. since i finally got to this place i was trying to get to i took a photo of myself hanging out...

i look chunky

...well actually my brother took it. i look chubby in this photo i hope it’s just because i just had such a huge meal. oh well. so after a lot of walking and window shopping we went home.

i got home and really didn’t do much. i finished “advent rising”. that game was really fun and the story was cool. i don’t play videogames as often so it was nice to finish one. i have the new conker game for xbox to play next.

so i woke up today and called rosie about nine-thirty or so because i was supposed to call her if she didn’t call me to hang out today. she didn’t pick up. i called her house, nothing. i’ve been calling once every hour and it hasn’t worked out anything.

oh well. still waiting for her. i have such terrible self-esteem as it is so for have been forgotten about again by rosie kinda sucks. you know how i felt like with her boyfriend getting the most of her and now zuey being back i’ve been paranoid that rosie doesn’t need me anymore. i understood that she’s been working all week. i mean that’s what she told me so it’s cool. but she said we could hang out saturday and so far it hasn’t happened yet. sigh.

well i guess that’s enough for me. i’m going to keep listening to my wicked soundtrack and drinking the yummy sugarplum tea i just cooked up. take care and i hope to see you soon. all my love, or as much as i can give you, ta!!

bob dylan
“can you please crawl out your window”
he sits in your room, his tomb, with a fist full of tacks
preoccupied with his vengeance
cursing the dead that can't answer him back
i'm sure that he has no intentions
of looking your way, unless it's to say
that he needs you to test his inventions
can you please crawl out your window?
use your arms and legs it won't ruin you
how can you say he will haunt you?
you can go back to him any time you want to
he looks so truthful, is this how he feels
trying to peel the moon and expose it
with his businesslike anger and his bloodhounds that kneel
if he needs a third eye he just grows it
he just needs you to talk or to hand him his chalk
or pick it up after he throws it
can you please crawl out your window?
use your arms and legs it won't ruin you
how can you say he will haunt you?
you can go back to him any time you want to
why does he look so righteous
while your face is so changed
are you frightened of the box you keep him in
while his genocide fools and his friends rearrange
their religion of the little ten women
that backs up their views but your face is so bruised
come on out the dark is beginning
can you please crawl out your window?
use your arms and legs it won't ruin you
how can you say he will haunt you?
you can go back to him any time you want to

kendra

2005-06-22T17:55:00.000-07:00

i need more musical diversity : “futures LP” by jimmyeatworld

oh i forgot to mention just this little thing that was written about me on myspace by kendra [source link]. she wrote in response to what i wrote,

“you complain about not being close with people, and yet you consistantly leave rather mean spirited blog comments...
do you see any correlation?”

which really saddened me because i didn’t mean what i wrote to be mean at all. i was just commenting and i guess it was taken wrongly. or at least my intention was muddled. i was really sorry because i really like kendra. you can click the link above to see what i wrote to make her say that and my response to it.

i figure i can post and talk about it publically because it is on a public blog. that’s all. i was just thinking about it and how i want to hang out with kendra. and in the same thought hang out with maddison as well. oh well, sometimes things don’t work out. take care, ta!!

the postal service
"the district sleeps alone tonight"
smeared black ink... your palms are sweaty
and i'm barely listening to last demands
i'm staring at the asphalt wondering what's buried underneath
where i am
where i am
i'll wear my badge... a vinyl sticker with big block letters adherent to my chest
that tells your new friends i am a visitor here...
i am not permanent
and the only thing keeping me dry is
where i am
where i am
where i am
you seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex
a stranger with your door key explaining that i am just visiting
and i am finally seeing
why i was the one worth leaving
why i was the one worth leaving
d.c. sleeps alone tonight
where i am
where i am
where i am
you seem so so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex
a stranger with your door key explaining that i am just visiting
and i am finally seing
why i was the one worth leaving
why i was the one worth leaving
where i am
where i am
where i am
the district sleeps alone tonight after the bars turn out their lights
and send the autos swerving into the loneliest evening
and i am finally seeing
why i was the one worth leaving
why i was the one worth leaving
why i was the one worth leaving
why i was the one worth leaving

motion pictures and static photos

2005-06-22T16:44:00.000-07:00

listening to : “static prevails LP” by jimmyeatworld

~~~batman begins~~~
the sixth batman film to come out just happens to be my favourite. it’s been a couple of days since i’d seen it and formed all these opinions about it but i just figured i’d try and talk about it a bit.

i’ve been hearing a lot about how this is the darkest batman and other such remarks. well, i suppose in a way that it is true but the more fitting description is that it is the most mature.

while there are still some corny lines and situational gags, for the most part, it remains honest and consistent with mood throughout. batman is such a interesting character because his lack of actual super powers makes him the more cerebral of the superheroes. he uses intelligence and psychology just as much as his fists.

this film was the first one that really dug deeply about the idea of the psychology of the batman universe. this film made me really think about how psychology permeates so heavily.

not only does he but all his villains do as well. in this version joker-style villains begin popping up. the hiding behind a persona that batman does for good creates a whole world of it for bad.

this film was totally excellent and it really cemented the idea that christopher nolan is just a glorious commercial filmmaker. able to make this big budget audience pleasing films with an deft touch and intelligence.

this film was... “super”. really classy picture with good performances all throughout. if you have any enjoyment of comics or adventure or superheroes then this film cannot be missed. even though the trailers make it look silly it’s grand.

before i sign off on this i just want to know what’s up with the film version of marvel versus dc comics? first dc comics have superman and batman in the eighties and then those go for a while and we get spiderman, xmen, blade, hulk and all those others from marvel while dc comics is doing nothing right. now dc have the xmen writer/director doing superman and batman is awesome again while fantastic4 looks lame and i’m hearing nothing but bad things from the new xmen. why can’t both companies be making good films at the same time? how odd.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~howl’s moving castle~~
i saw another movie starring christian bale. this guy is getting around as batman and now as howl from this titular adventure. the latest from famed animated filmmaker, hayao miyazaki.

to talk about the film you have to discuss the genius of miyazaki. his ability to take a simple story and turn it into something epic never ceases to amaze me. he is also able to make the fantastic seem possible.

something special that this film did was make me feel. feeling real emotions for all the characters is odd for me. i always get into everything but most of the time i feel swayed by an invisible force to feel a certain way. not that i usually mind and sometimes it can be so subtly i enjoy it for it’s feat. but with this film i was laughing and smiling and crying and i never felt like i was *faking it*. i just felt like i was being taken on an adventure and any feelings i had were my own.

i can safely say that anyone who enjoys “moving pictures” go watch this. animation fan or not this is just a gem of a film. i will stop gushing now. just try to catch it at the cinema on the big screen and it’ll be a treat i hope for you as much as it was for me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

so those where the two films i saw that i never got around to reviewing from last week. so monday i went to the “hotel utah” by myself. it was really not fun. for the open mic experience to work i think you need to have a friend with you. or perhaps it was just a me thing.

tuesday i played videogames with my brother in the morning and then aaron came over and i showed him my short film i made for dylan. after that i played “advent rising” because he let me borrow it.

that game is for xbox and it really fun. buggy and glitchy as anything but the story is really cool. my reason for wanting to play it was because it was written by orson scott card. he is one of my favourite writers so of course i’d play his videogame.

then aaron left and i got ready to go to powell’s place with dylan. i picked him up and off we went. i forgot to mention it before but tuesday morning i had a tightness in my chest. it wasn’t horrible but i couldn’t swallow or even breathe effortlessly. it kept getting worse until the night. at dylan’s house that night it got the worst. it’s still bad right now but it’s a bit better and it never got too bad. just painful. i wonder what it is? if it keeps up i’ll get it checked out. or if it gets worse. just to keep tabs on it i’m writing here that it started the morning of tuesday the twenty-first.

so we were driving there and talking about billy corgan album coming out and all this other stuff and dylan reminded me that it would’ve been elizabeth and i’s fifth year anniversary if things had worked out between us. i don’t feel anything about it. i feel kinda odd that i don’t care. like that bothers me almost, the idea i should be more *something* about it. that phase of my life is just totally over though.

so we get there and the place is really nice looking as i said before. it is really cool and blessed is up there playing the piano to about six or so patrons of the restaurant. he motions us to sit over by him and we do.

he’s playing this really nice and soft lounge piano music. singing gentle pop songs and the like. suddenly i feel worried because i only have lyrics about the horrible nature of everything. my songs all really don’t fit. dylan has the idea of doing them in spanish so i quickly translate one of my songs into spanish on a piece of paper.

so this guy, blessed, is really into himself. i found out the point of his hosting an open mic is so more people will hear him play. he plays ten songs and then he gives us two songs and then he plays again ten more. or actually he started to repeat songs at one point. it was funny but at least we know his real agenda. i thought it was to promote more people to go to the restaurant.

speaking of which, the food is so good there. i couldn’t try the fried chicken or macncheese [darn!] but dylan and i had the stir fry over rice and it was really good. we also got a side of fried okra. it used a cornmeal breading and was totally good. but i’m a big fan of the fried foods. i say that anyone in the area needs to go eat there. here is a link to it’s location...

powell's place map and address

...from here you can even find directions to it by putting in your address and since it’s a satellite map it looks extra cool. so enough pimping out, so how did it go?

so i got up first. i was playing the spanish version of “the cum song” and i played, “untitled love song”. i sounded ok but my voice was kinda off from all the pressure to breathe that my mysterious ailment left me with.

then dylan went on after me and he did really well. he sounded nice and even looked good playing. i have photo proof of his goodness at least...

he’s so cute

...so then i played around on guitar while dylan played a song and there was a beat playing on the keyboard. it was almost like us jamming. it was fun. so i didn’t get a picture of me playing but i did get a picture of me right before we left when i asked dylan to get a photo of me...

blast processing power

...cool about this photo is that not only did i get my tmnt lunch pail in the shot but also my sonic shirt, guitar and blessed playing the piano. after that we paid our tab and left. i dropped off dylan at home and went home hungry to play more music.

i called around trying to find anyone who wanted to play with me. i couldn’t find anyone which was too bad because i really wanted to play more. it was then that dylan called me and said he’d been working on one of the songs i left on his computer and i should be “shoe-gazing music”. for anyone who doesn’t get it. it’s that moping bangs-in-your-hair music you listen to like “my bloody valentine” or “the cure” or such.

so he told me to come over to his house and we could work on stuff. it was great. first we made food and ate while watching the jimmyeatworld dvd i have. then we went downstairs to his studio ; does it have a name ; to record and so i could rock out...

bringing the rock

...that was just me playing around. so i got the idea that my album would be all girls names and it would be my creepy girl obsession album. we decided to work on three songs. so i chose “rosie”, “suzanne” and “maddison” as the ones to work on...

dylan setting me up, producer style

...there’s dylan getting the computer set up to make me sound all spooky and such. so we worked out on the songs and things were going better then before. songs were starting to sound song-like. i was also having a lot of fun.

i still have to do a million takes of everything but at least it’s sounding better and better. i really love having dylan producing me. i might actually get an album finished by the end of the year. maybe. it depends on dylan’s schooling.

so dylan started falling asleep and i was out of energy and creativity. it was nearly four in the morning at this point so i was ready to call it quits for the night...

so i’m shoe-gazing now?

...too much late night rocking out. so i got my car and drove home. hopefully tonight after d&d we can work some more but who knows? so i drove home and the moon was just totally full and huge and it followed me home like a friend so i took a picture of it when i got home...

full moon and lamppost

...it really doesn’t look like a moon but it is. it’s a full moon and the torch pole across the street from my house. it looked really cool. the night was so lit by this moon but otherwise black. it really was more amazing then my crappy digicam could grab.

so that’s it i guess. tonight i am playing dungeons and dragons but other then that i have nothing planned for a while. i hope you are well and please keep in touch with me, ok? i love you lots. take care, ta!!

jimmyeatworld
“your new aesthetic”
we're lowering the standard in a process selective.
the formulas to thin.
but it takes more than one person.
so everyone jump on.
i'll miss you when you're just like them.
i remember back then thinking:
easy comes but doesn't stay, what comes easy never stays.
but the politics need means.
and business never leaves.
you better sing now while you can.
imitate and water down.
until we crash i'll write it out:
selection breathes on its own.
make them open the request line and let selection kill the old.
turn off your radio.

soirée

2005-06-19T20:08:00.000-07:00

listening to : “rufus wainwright LP” by rufus wainwright

this is probably going to be a photo spectacular. i had my camera with me as i took photos of two days worth of partying. i had a lot of fun and very little sleep.

so it started with friday. i awoke early to help my father with my car. he came over and changed my oil and helped me get set up for a smog test i need to renew my registration. so we did that and then we took it out and over to a test.

i passed and everything so then my father asked if i wanted to go to the cinema and i said i did. we stopped at home to pick up our kid and i was lucky enough to go to the cinema again to see two features i really wanted to see. both starring christian bale. i saw “batman begins” and “howl’s moving castle”. they were both totally excellent in a million ways for a million different reasons and i’ll make an entry reviewing them but not this one. this one is about the parties i went to.

so after the two films i had to run to pick up anthony because i told him i’d take him to the party. the party being nizhoni’s birthday party. she is turning twenty-three. back in the year 2000 she was the first band member c.w. and i had in the adolescent twins. i love her. i used to see her every week that year and then she disappeared from my life and then i saw her at dylan’s last party and it was so nice to see her.

skip to thursday when she called me asking if i wanted to come to her birthday party. of course i did. and now it’s friday and i am on my way. i was worried and not sure how long i was going to stay because i didn’t think i would know anyone and not sure how they’d perceive me.

so i get there and i introduce myself to everyone. i talk with a number of groups. there are a ton of people there so there are about four or five huge groups that i mingle within. i know some people from college classes and whatnot.

also their are a ton of guitars and pianos and keyboards and such around and i have no problem with that. guitars are being passed around and i jamb with people. plus, i go and play with the piano in the living room and riff/jamb with people playing guitar. it is loads of fun. much socializing and i don’t feel panicky or anxious at all. i get on really well. even though i’m kinda spacy and tired i still manage to be incredibly charming and clever.

i didn’t have my camera with me until much later that night so i missed a lot of photo opportunities. like i had a really quick relationship with this one girl. she’s nizhoni’s cousin mallory and we were sitting on the piano bench together and i was being clever and she was talking about who would want to live with one person together and going on about marriage and such because i was pulled into talking about my near marriage experience. well my reply being my pure belief in romanticism and love won her over. she said that you should have one failed marriage though.

then she told me how she was going to italy for a year. her hopes were to be married to a hot italian guy while she was there and i reminded her that it couldn’t work out because she believes everyone has to have one failed marriage. that’s when she asked me to marry her. i agreed. at least i knew it wasn’t meant to last. so on the piano bench we talked about a number of things. she was very funny but very blue. she had such a filthy sense of humour. no matter what i said to try to offend her she could respond with something that grossed me out. it was highly amusing.

one thing about a conversation with someone who is funny and clever is sometimes it doesn’t work because then i have nothing but in this case i though she was funny but i would just one-up her line and she’d do the same to me and we’d just make each other laugh like crazy.

she left early though. she said she couldn’t marry me because it was all happening too fast and i had my second failed marriage attempt. i then went to my car to pick up my camera. i went into the kitchen with nizhoni and took a photo with the birthday girl...

nizhoni and some poor unphotogenic chap

...it’s amusing how i always look terrible in photographs. i can look ok but as soon as the flash goes off my face turns into, ick. so we talk for a bit but she has to run and socialize with everyone so i go to sit and talk to these two guys who are way too stoned to hold a conversation.

so i run about and go into a room to play guitar for a while. also i talk to these guys who’s names i don’t remember. also a good place for socializing is in front of the door to the restroom. there is always a line so it’s a cool place to just make conversation. i did it a number of times. i met this one bird that way. while she was waiting for the loo.

she went in and i sat on the couch and these two girls started talking to me. it was too large a crowd to be very personal so i just settled for making them laugh. being funny is a quick way to be remembered at a party. so that one girl from early on in front of the loo is out and is their friend.

all three of them don’t know nizhoni and were just kinda crashing the party. bathroom girl found a kickball and wanted to go out to play for a bit. i’m down for some football [soccer as it is known to americans who like poorly named sports involving a lot of hands]. so i ask the other two girls hold my lunch pail while i’m out...

photo taken while i was out playing footie

...they do but they also search it thoroughly and get a picture taken of themselves while i’m outside. not that i mind as long as nothing is stolen. so they go off to smoke and i stay inside.

i am just walking around when this girl who i saw while i walked out to play football was inside now. she took my tie and threw it out my coat and said i need to show it off. i thought she was just some silly thing but i saw her inside and figured that since i’d already been grabbed by her it’d be ok to actually talk.

so i started talking to her. she is so shy though. not like me but sorta. she hides her eyes and never makes eye contact and just seems really uncomfortable about herself. she hides in jokes and other evasive tactics just like i do so of course i am even more interested in this girl. after such a seemingly auspicious start i had to know more.

so i talked even more to her and let myself open up. we have a lot in common we found out after just talking for a little while. she even looked up at me. she had really odd eyelashes, not in any way negative, no, on the other hand i rather liked them. they were really... indescribable. her eyes were also very pretty. they looked stung with sadness and i don’t know why but that tinge of sadness just makes pretty eyes look beautiful to me.

so i blurted out to her, “you have such beguiling eyelashes...” and as soon as i said that i felt very stupid and just like a total ass. i shut myself off and needed to get away from her. i got anthony who wanted to go get something non-booze to drink anyway and we ran off to a gas station a few blocks away.

it was a nice night and a brisk walk. the moon was beautiful and i needed to get away and have some fresh air anyway so it was good. we got to the gas station and got our drinks and the three girls from before arrived there. they were filling up before the trip home. i figured i could take a photo with them and i thought it’d be nice. but right before anthony took the photo one of them said, “make it sexy!” so that is why...

lots of camera mugging

...you’ll see that i’m just posing while one girl is humping my right side, another is mugging for the camera and holding the third girl who is making a “sex” face and thrusting a gas hose in such a way. the only addition i made to the photo was that we advertise coca cola. as always i made sure to have it label out.

then we went back to the party while they went home. i actually won a free coke, under the cap of my cola bottle told me so. so i win, ha ha! anyway so back at the party and we listen to billie holiday. also dylan and anthony hang out with me and we chat about anything.

other events of the party are jambing on the guitar or piano more. sometimes alone and sometimes along with others. lots of random conversation and jokes with random people. other things that i’d forgotten by now.

so at one point i was going to leave because the sun was starting to rise and i thought i should get anthony home or else i probably would have just stayed there. so i went into the room where nizhoni was to say goodbye and figured i should get one last photo of the party...

justin looks silly in this shot

...so while i’m in the doorway the girl from earlier comes and says that someone needs to go take care of this drunk girl. her boyfriend is in the room so he goes to go run off to go take care of her.

i know the girl is really messed up drunk because earlier in the evening she came up to me and was hugging me. while she was holding me i told her i thought she hated me and she said she doesn’t hate me but really likes me. then her next sentence was, “...but i just don’t like you, as a *person*”. which was very confusing. made moreso because the next thing she did was while she had her arms around me she rested her head on my shoulder and kissed my neck. then she was just there with her face smashed into my neck and i was confused. anyway so this is hours later and apparently she got more inebriated.

so now this girl was right next to me again. she probably wasn’t thinking about my awkward exit because the drunk girl insulted her and was mean so she was kinda fuming about that. i say kinda because she realised that the girl was also saying it while not of her normal facilities.

so i talk to her about it. then we talk about other things and just have a very personal conversation and i move us to this dark and quiet corner. her name is suzanne, i learn. i also learn a lot of other things about her. why she has such sad eyes for instance. i have nothing to say. no words of assurance or hope so i just hold her.

i was supposed to be leaving but now i’m holding a sad girl in the corner and feeling like their is nothing i can do to help. i wish i didn’t have to take anthony home because i don’t want to leave her. i end up staying with her for an hour or so and i must have said goodbye many times.

i force myself to leave. i feel like i’m being a jerk to anthony so i leave. on the way out i have a brief conversation with justin where he invites me to his party later on today ; we’re now on saturday ; and we also have a nice talk about how it’s nice that we are friends again. it’s probably a good ten to fifteen minutes of talking.

then i actually get out of the house. it’s daylight. jeez, i know i’m not going to get sleep today. or at least enough. as i go outside the house i see suzanne again. her pretty eyes are tearstained and the area around them are red. i wish i wasn’t leaving. but she’s talking to her friend ; this really nice guy named sean ; so i’m not too worried because she has someone taking care of her.

so running off i remember i want to call her later in the day to see how she’s doing. we traded phone numbers before. i hope she feels better after some sleep or something. so i take anthony home and i go home as well.

it is morning and i’m trying to go to bed. i can’t because my kitty wants to play because i wasn’t there all night to play with her. so she’s keeping me up when i know i am going to get up in a little while anyway. so i play with my cat.

eventually she tires of me and scampers off to go sleep. so i sleep. i get nearly two hours before i wake up again. i stay up because i don’t want to sleep too much and miss out on justin’s birthday party.

i properly shower and shave so i will look and smell nice for the party. i also put on my socks that go up really high. i really like the way they feel as well...

love my pretty up-to-knee socks

...so i wait till it’s time for the party and i take off. i drive off to the party which takes place at dolores park in san francisco. it was really nice and i found them and talked to them.

i met a bunch of new people and some old. i saw cypress who i hadn’t seen since 2000. also dylan and trista were there and a bunch of people came who i didn’t know. one of the people who came back was mallory ; nizhoni’s cousin from last night who i had a short-term relationship with. you can see her on the far right on this park...

lovely party in a hilly park

nizhoni, myself and my “ex” mallory

...this other photo is a better picture of her. i’m wearing the dora the explorer sunglasses i found. there was a lot of pot at this party. most of the people there were pretty regular about their smoking. i was used to seeing it at parties at people’s houses but it was different to have people do it so blatantly out in public.

the park and the day was just so beautiful though. there was mission high school right at the end of the park and it is very aged and fine looking and the clouds behind it were just so lovely it didn’t look real.

so we just sat on the lawn wasting away the day with wine, cheese, baguettes and for some, pot. when it got to be later everyone was ready for the dinner part of the party. we all walked over to this ethiopian restaurant.

it was on 20 or 21st. street and valencia. it was really nice looking and mallory sat down with me so the whole time i was able to just joke around. i was glad i was sitting with someone i got on so well with.

so it was a joy and the food was really good and even though i ate too much i still had a hoot. they have this stuff called honeywine. it tastes like a wine made from apples. it is really sweet and really good.

justin got up and toasted everyone. he made a really nice speech and it ended over the clinking of glasses. i thought it’d be a nice moment for a picture but i was in the moment so i had to settle for right after it had passed. but let me give you a look at justin with his fresh/meat shirt on...

honeywine and ethiopian food.

...it was really nice everyone was happy. the mood was just really good. the day had been fantastic and the food was great, not just the stoned ones but everyone just had a really good vibe going.

so we started leaving off. we left the restaurant and outside i just felt like taken a photograph of the shoe triplets. dylan, nizhoni and myself had all worn the same black on black converse. so i took a photo of it...

dylan, me, and nizhoni’s left feet

...the next part of the party was that everyone would go to the metreon to see “batman begins”. so there were two cars going, dylan and mine. i took a batch and so did dylan. most people were lost at this point including my new friend mallory who had a socialist meeting to go to.

so we had to go back to my car and as we passed thru the park we noticed that the sky was simply gorgeous. the sun was setting and it just looked so nice. you get a nice view of part of the park. not only was the sky gorgeous but the city as well...

gorgeous look at san francisco sunset

...it was this huge cityscape and all the lights were beginning to lighten. you can’t see it from this photo but the bridge was all full of traffic and all the dancing headlights looks so wonderful from far away. i took a photo at this point because the view took my breath away.

so we get there and the nearest showing is sold-out and most people can’t or don’t desire waiting so it’s decided to go to justin’s house which is very close to the metreon. about three blocks in fact.

the house he lives in is very cool looking. it is full of all sorts of knickknacks and crap. it had a art deco vibe to it at times. he lives in this “house” with six room mates and they all get a room. this is justin’s...

justin and nizhoni in clutter

...nizhoni had a odd look on her face for this one. so then we stepped out into the centre of the place. i suppose if the place had been like a real house you’d call it the living room but it was just this place next to the kitchen where you could sit. it even had an old dentist chair as a seat.

so justin made us all tea and we just sat around and chatted. i was very exhausted and i still had to drive nizhoni and this other bird home so i had black tea while everyone else wanted something uncaffenated.

so the party continued but was a lot more low key and intimate. we talked about a number of things. one that stood out i have to remember to talk to elise about it when i go to her place. it has to do with eating animals and the process this certain farm uses. some political things about it that i think would be very interesting to discuss with her. don’t let me forget elise. if you’re reading this you have to remember.

so i was having a nice time but i had a lot of driving to do still so i got everyone who was coming with me to leave. everyone was starting to sleep off anyway and i was acting rather manic from the lack of sleep and caffeine rushing thru me.

so i sat in the dentist chair ; since i wanted to do that before i left ; and i took a photo of everyone still around that i could fit. if you look closely you can see the bottom of an old “barbarella” poster...

justin’s living room, of sorts

...so after that it was final goodbyes and farewells to a bunch of them. it was really nice day i had and i love how in our group of friends birthday parties are huge day or multi-day events.

so first i drove nizhoni home because she lives in san francisco and then i dropped off this other girl who lives a block away from my church. it was a nice ride home because this girl was born and raised in montreal and had only lived in the states for a while.

so i asked her all about montreal and she told me about growing up. she told me about this thing with drumming on sundays that she used to go see and wasn’t sure if it was still going on and about growing up and how it is so francophone there now. all sorts of things. we also talked about television and video games we liked. it was nice.

so i dropped her off and made the last leg of my trip and went home. i was so tired but i thought i should get one last picture of myself. you can see my pretty pink tinkerbell shirt and you can almost make out my potato tattoo...

me after days of partying

...jeez, i look like crap though. so tired. it was a great batch of days but i needed sleep. so i got home and by two or three in the morning i was asleep. and i slept till ten or eleven in the morning. it was really good and i was happy to finally get to sleep in.

so then today ; sunday ; i got up and as soon as the phone was free called peggy. i thought that i was going to spend the day with her because it seemed like we were going to spent sunday together. i thought that that was the plan but she answered the phone and she sounded rather cross with me. or at least cross in general, but still.

so we talked and she said that she wasn’t sure she wanted to hang out today and she wanted to be alone and other lines of the surly sort. but perhaps, so i said i’d call her in an hour and i did. but when she answered she sounded positively angry and told me that today nothing was going to happen.

i was thinking about what i could do to fill the sunday i thought was full but decided that nothing would be fine. i’d take this as a sign to rest. so i watched, “white noise” which i’d been meaning to see and hadn’t got around to.

it wasn’t great but it was all right. as far as watching it at least once that was cool. i probably will never watch it again but i wouldn’t mind it if it came up. so that was something.

peggy is kinda hard to read. especially over the phone. i know she was off or something was wrong but i didn’t know if it had anything to do with me or her kids or what? i don’t want to presume anything because she’ll tell me anything she wants me to know about her feelings.

then i made food for myself. i made a rather good bit of pasta. then after that i wrote this and now here i am. i’m having a very quiet sunday. the sun is beginning to set and even though i spent the entire day indoor i know today was a nice day as well. as i write this the sun is making the entire view outside all my windows yellow, gold and orange.

all in all i’ve had a beautiful weekend. i’m going to end this entry on a good note. i love the world and the world loves me. thing’s couldn’t be nicer. well, they could but when can’t they? everything is as perfect as they could be. i love you very much and thank you so much for reading this. i hope that you have a nice time with life until next time.

before i go i have a bunch of photo’s that are uploaded but i never showed off so i figured i’d burn them off now since this entry is so full of photo’s anyway.

first up is a set of photo’s that were taken at peter’s cafe during a band practice at some point in may. during this practice i wrote the music to “for now or whenever”...

working hard at peter’s cafe

hardly working in same location

...that was a fun night. especially because of the senile worker who was there who brought two drinks over when we asked if the fountain served pepsi or coke. she also was completely dumbfounded by the idea of a camera and she was the one who took the photo’s and it was funny seeing her fumble about.

this next batch is me. just me. it is just some shots of myself that never got used. the last one is noteworthy because it was taken on the day i was wearing my towel on me all day for international towel day...

...love barely alive/in your arms...

i have no idea where or when this was taken

international towel day 2005

...that gets rid of those ones. next is from the day i found green silly string in my trunk. the stuff was probably years old. i had inherited it from elizabeth my ex and she probably got in in the year 2000 or possibly/probably earlier. i shook it for a long time and finally got a chance to use it because i was picking up aaron from work, so i got him...

i got him

oops, i stained him

...the only problem being that since it was so old the first mess to come out ended up sticking and staining his nice work shirt. i thought it was funny but aaron was kinda seething. i guess it was jerky of me but i thought that since it happened he could still laugh about it...

action shot of getting brandon

ha ha, clean it yourself

...next was later that night when i got brandon and his car. you can see me shooting it out in that first picture but you don’t see it getting all over brandon because i used the rest of the bottle on him.

he cleaned it up before i could take another picture so all i got was to show some of the mess on his car. he was a good sport and thought it was funny though. that was a nice day.

so there it is. even more photo’s. ok, well i am ending this entry for real this time. y’all have a great everything or at least the best it can be and i’ll see you around. we should keep in touch however possible. thank you so much for taking enough interest in me to read my private personal diary. i love you so much, ta!!

kiss
“rock and roll all nite”
you show us everything you've got
you keep on dancin' and the room gets hot
you drive us wild, we'll drive you crazy
you say you wanna go for a spin
the party's just begun, we'll let you in
you drive us wild, we'll drive you crazy
you keep on shoutin', you keep on shoutin'
i wanna rock and roll all nite and party every day [x4]
you keep on saying you'll be mine for a while
you're lookin' fancy and i like your style
you drive us wild, we'll drive you crazy
you show us everything you've got
baby, baby that's quite a lot
and you drive us wild, we'll drive you crazy
you keep on shoutin', you keep on shoutin'
i wanna rock and roll all nite and party every day [x9]

here goes nothing...

2005-06-16T14:22:00.000-07:00

for good or bad my summer is now set. how exciting. right now i'm nervous, but that can improve. this should be interesting. sorry this is so vague but i'm being secretive about things until they are more cemented. the song ; and even the band who sings it ; is a huge insight/clue into my thoughts and plans.

this should prove to be exciting whether it's a huge failure or success. i have a worry. i am suddenly open to possible doubt. nothing really to worry about just a sort of worry. perhaps it’s nothing at all. jeez, i feel so shady. oh well, come what may i can't wait, ta!!

the arcade fire
"neighborhood #1 (tunnels)"
and if the snow buries my,
my neighborhood.
and if my parents are crying
then i'll dig a tunnel
from my window to yours,
yeah a tunnel from my window to yours.
you climb out the chimney
and meet me in the middle,
the middle of town.
and since there's no one else around,
we let our hair grow long
and forget all we used to know,
then our skin gets thicker
from living out in the snow.
you change all the lead
sleepin' in my head,
as the day grows dim
i hear you sing a golden hymn.
then we tried to name our babies,
but we forgot all the names that,
the names we used to know.
but sometimes, we remember our bedrooms,
and our parent's bedrooms,
and the bedrooms of our friends.
then we think of our parents,
well what ever happened to them?!
you change all the lead
sleepin' in my head to gold,
as the day grows dim,
i hear you sing a golden hymn,
the song i've been trying to say.
purify the colors, purify my mind.
purify the colors, purify my mind,
and spread the ashes of the colors
over this heart of mine!

bit of an update, of sorts

2005-06-16T05:55:00.000-07:00

listening to : the computer buzzing and whirring.

so its morning and i am at aaron's house. dylan just left. last night was our d&d night and we spent the night. i slept some and dylan played marrowind. i just came on to look up the time my local trader joe's opens because i want to go there when they open so i don't drive home and then drive there.

so here i am typing very softly and slowly trying to be quiet. yesterday was a rather good one. not much happened but it went well. in the morning i played guitar for a while. i watched the special features to the white noise dvd ; i've yet to watch the film itself ; and i basically was just wasting time until five because i was going to call peggy about hanging out.

so everything got worked out and i was on my way over to her house. i scooped her up and we went to this all vegan restaurant herbivore. we had a lovely conversation while we were there to catch up with everything. it’s been a while since we’d hung out. perhaps a month? so it was nice.

it was a really yummy place but mostly it was just nice not to have to worry about what was on the menu. oh man, the joy of being able to eat off the whole menu! it’s been a while for me. so i had the kung-pow veggies and rice. normally i don’t get a drink when i go out but i saw soy hot cocoa and i had to have it. you can click on the link to see what is on their menu. it’s a button on top.

so after that i drive her home and i go to dylan’s house because i thought d&d was going to be there again. i get there and no lights are on and myrtle tells me dylan is at aaron’s house and to call him. myrtle is dylan’s grandma. so i call and d&d isn’t going on because brandon is going to be with his girlfriend since it’s her last night before she leaves for the summer.

but come over to play games or something. so i come over. dylan is already at the computer and aaron and his girlfriend, carrie, are playing halo2 online. i jump in and play halo with them for a bit. i play guitar for an even longer expanse of time. dylan is playing the computer game the whole time. it doesn’t sound like much happened and honestly it didn’t. but then the couple went to sleep and i talked with dylan and watched him play till i nodded off.

at five or so i woke up to the sound of him rustling about. we talked for a bit but then he left. so i began to write this. and now you are up to date. mostly. i just remembered that i went to this place to open mic. i wasn’t going to do it but just see how it worked and how the location looked.

so after eating peggy and i went to powell's place. it smelled so good in there. but since it was a soul food place most of the menu is inedible by me. what smelled so good was the fried chicken. supposedly some of the best in the world. i love fried chicken. even though i’m a vegan it is one of my favourites ; if not favourite ; food in the universe. since turning vegan that’s been the biggest bummer for me because i love chicken so much.

anyway, i could go on about how delicious it smells and how good fried chicken is but i won’t. so the place is really nice looking. it was really well priced and looked cool. anyone in the area who can should really eat here. the reason they have open mic nights three nights a week is that it’s been hard to get regular business and they are sorta struggling. they are so sweet there and actually invite you to come in and “sit for a spell”. go eat there if you can.

so i plan on playing there possibly tuesday of next week. ok, so that’s all for now. take care of yourselves and others. it’s a lovely earth but we can help make it seem lovelier. take care and have a nice time of it until next time, ta!!

the beatles
“you’ve got to hide your love away”
here i stand with head in hand,
turn my face to the wall.
if she’s gone i can’t go on,
feeling two foot small.
ev’rywhere people stare,
each and ev’ry day.
i can see them laugh at me,
and i hear them say.
hey, you’ve got hide your love away.
hey, you’ve got hide your love away.
how can i even try,
i can never win,
hearing them, seeing them,
in the state i’m in.
how could she say to me
love will find a way?
gather round all you clowns
let me hear you say.
hey, you’ve got hide your love away.
hey, you’ve got hide your love away.

doing it live.

2005-06-14T01:11:00.000-07:00

listening to : “songs about the ocean LP” by the high water marks

so i just got back from a open mic night at this bar that is three buildings away from death guild. it was so fun. all the people there were so nice and everyone was really supportive of me.

so what happens is they draw the names out of a hat and “the adolescent twins” was first draw but c.w. had not gotten there yet so i switched my solo place with him. i was supposed to be eighteen and dylan got nineteen.

so i play my song and my vocals sound off to me but the crowd is all congratulatory. this cute girl called me “totally punk rock!” which made me feel special and this guy asked me to do his open mic thing tomorrow ; which i actually plan on doing. this whole getting out there and performing for people is really working out. it is so fun.

so finally c.w. comes and we talk about doing “oh boi!” which is a song i play on piano and segway into “ian’s court date” because we are only supposed to have one song so we were going to sneak in two.

so the night goes on and randomly c.w. leaves. but an hour later i still don’t see him and our slot is coming up. i call and find out that he left because he had to drop off rentals that would be late and he was eating dinner... but he’ll be there. ok. so i tell him to be there by 10:45 cuz that’s what they tell me.

a lot of really cool people play and the vibe here is really cool. so at 11:00 c.w. still isn’t here and i’m beginning to worry. lucky for us it is going late but the bad thing is that we are on deck. if we miss our slot we don’t get to go on.

so we get called up and c.w. is still not there. i say we traded with dylan and dylan plays. it is good and he even puts some zelda theme in his song. so right as the host says, “give it up for dylan.” c.w. comes busting thru with amazing timing. it was magical.

so i run to the piano and i put drum sticks in my pocket and set my guitar on a chair. i play the song on the piano and c.w. rips into the song and really brings out the punk. as it is fading out i am bashing out a melody as i inch my way to the drums and i suddenly kick into “ian’s court date” and bash the drums with punk-rock aplomb. it gets to the bridge and i run over to my guitar and start wailing out on that while c.w. is screaming and this guy comes up from out the crowd and bashes on the piano and then this other guy comes and plays the drums i left. and we’re all just totally synergising in a punk rock epic. it was so good and so fun.

afterwards was really well received and we made some new fans. it was a great show. really lifted my spirits. i am really sore in the arms from the bashing on guitar, piano, and drums. we split after that because we all needed to get our cars off the street.

i’m failing to mention so much about this night but there was such a great vibe. this is such a good place to go if you want to open mic. i remember now it’s called the hotel utah. hotel utah. that’s it.

i guess that’s it. i love you so much. i’m going to be at another place that is all ages tomarrow so call me and we’ll go together, ok? take care and live for today, ta!!

mxpx
“punk rock show”
we ain't go no place to go
so let's go to the punk rock show
darling take me by the hand
we're gonna see a punk rawk band
there's no use in tv shows
radio or rodeos
i wanna get into the crowd
i wanna hear it played real loud
ain't go no money to pay
we'll get in anyway
doesn't matter
i don't care
it's felt good
so we should share
we're going to the punk rawk show!
oooohh!! ooohh!!

concert and the cinema

2005-06-12T23:11:00.000-07:00

listening to : modest mouse albums. mmm... modest mouse.

ok, so it’s sunday i just got home from aaron’s house. it’s funny because he called me from work. he’s like, “wanna hang out?” which is code for i don’t want for my girlfriend to get off work can you take me home? but i agree to go along with his ruse/ploy and get him. i talk to him and ask that he be more subtle about it. jokingly of course. i just want him to be honest and i only ask for honesty from all my friends. and love... but that’s off topic.

so i’m telling him that i’ll probably leave when his girlfriend gets there. he asks if it’s because i don’t like his girlfriend and i just tell him that i don’t mind them it’s just that together they completely ignore me.

y’know how some couple friends you hang with and don’t make it seem so “us and you” ; when i was with my ex i always paid more attention to the person in our party rather then my girlfriend because i know how it feels. i am very good and conscious about that sort of thing.

but when aaron is with his girlfriend i’m not a part of them at all. it’s just like being alone, but somehow worse. i guess it’s like being ignored. invited and ignored. i suppose i get insulted by it. something to that effect.

anyway, so i tell him this and he kinda starts to deny it but changes the subject. i laugh to myself. but that wasn’t as funny as how we were playing video games and then his girlfriend gets home and he goes into the bedroom after her.

i don’t really think about how it’s happening and it’s even worse because they weren’t even in the room to ignore me. they just left me alone. i didn’t notice or really think about it at first but after a half-hour it hit me how sad/hysterical this was. i wasn’t mad but i was sorta disappointed at how little faith i have in aaron and how he can still disappoints. i got up and said a curt goodbye and left. now i am home. i figured i’d relate what’s been going on in my life.

so back to friday. i had an all day music festival i bought tickets for ages ago. i got them at the very first insider pre-sale which was over a month ago. i got really great tickets but huge buyer’s remorse since i was basically buying tickets to see one band.

i went and i enjoyed a lot of bands. i also was such an outsider of sorts. more like a drifter i guess. i was planning on driving alone but i took two people to lighten the load of another car since i was going that way anyway. so their were many groups i sorta dabbled in. the groups never separated and i kinda just kept running into them. let me show you...

~caprice and her sister mary [i drove them there and back but didn’t see them much once i was there.]

~my ex-fiancé elizabeth and my ex-friend ed were going to the show as well [i was driving and i saw them both behind me. i guess they saw me too and got spooked because then they slowed down a bunch and went away.]

~yasmine and crystal [i met them in line because i was lonely and they were in front of me and i got them to sport peta stickers and talked to them a bunch and i saw them inside a few times and we’d say hello and chat a bit. they were really nice to me.]

~lisa and i forget her name but she has huge boobs [i used to be friends with them but since they are more elizabeth’s friends i understood that they couldn’t really be too social with me but it was neat to see them again]

~cynthia and jonas [two more girls that i know from elizabeth but also from maddison and her group so we actually hung out for a while. they were nice.]

~christina and the shy girl who’s name i don’t know [i hung out with them for quite a bit. but when i went to see a different band i got lost from them. and i’d see them from time to time and hang out and christina gave me a cracker which i needed from lack of food.]

~jamie and her no show friend [the reason i put them as a group of two is that the reason i couldn’t go in christina’s car is that it only seats four and jamie had her friend going as well but she ending up not going so i had to drive but that would’ve been another two-some.]

~sofia and sean [i hung out with them a lot in the later part of the afternoon after losing christina]

~michael and cute short girl who’s name i forget [i hung out with them for a long time as well and it was cool to see michael again because i always just randomly see him at concerts.]

...the other interesting thing about the people i hung out with besides the insistence of being two to a person with everyone except me is that most of them were women. which seems to be how most of my social interactions are.

i think that it is because all the guys i would hang out with have very demanding girlfriends. well, demanding and they want to only be with their girlfriends, which totally isn’t ok but i was like that as well once so i guess this is pay back. meanwhile i know all these girls who are single so they can hang out with me. oh well, just a little observation.

ok so in the morning i woke up early on friday morning after falling asleep early friday morning. it was bad how little sleep i got but i just haven’t been able to sleep well at that point. so i skipped eating and drinking and just showered and left for the show, knowing i was completely broke but hopeful something would just work out.

it sorta worked where the water fountains at the amphitheater were really good and cold and not metallic tasting. but no one had food i could eat or five dollars i could borrow so i could get some garlic fries. i was starving so much the entire day and i was so tired. but i wasn’t completely dehydrated as well so this was more healthy then i usually am at concerts.

now to talk about actual music. so first i saw “every move a picture” i dug them. they sound not as good as but familiar to “the arcade fire”. next was dredg which i thought were terrible. nothing redeeming about them. then i missed out on two bands because i was talking to michael and girl away from the stage. so i didn’t get a good idea of “jackson united” or “senses fail” but what i could hear was really lame modern rock stuff. so i don’t think i missed out on anything.

then i went back to the indie stage for “mxpx”. i recognized a few songs from them and i know them. i don’t like them but i know who they are. then “tegan and sara” came on and were really good. i like them a lot. they are better live then i thought they’d be based on their cd.

“rise against” was screaming whining garbage but i was going off to the electronica tent to see “kid606” anyway. i dig his stuff but it’s odd to just watch a guy click around on his powerbook as a show. i went back to indie stage to see “kaiser chiefs” who i don’t dislike but i’m not sure if i like them. i’d have to hear a cd. it was cool enough live though.

“ash” and “lyrics born” i missed because i went back to the subsonic tent for more rav-ish dancing and music. the syrup girls were spinning [actually spinning] and were good. they really worked the crowd well and looked exactly like the hilton sisters which was sorta odd. i went back to the indie stage for the end of “the bravery” set. they are sorta derivative or bland. i kinda think of them as a byproduct of the raping of the eighties sound that them and the killers and such are riding success on.

after that was “alkaline trio” which is this bad i really immensely dislike but because so many people like them i give them a chance time and time ago. they never fail to completely disappoints me. i would’ve fallen asleep standing up during their set but people kept bumping into me.

“hot hot heat” are this group that i always almost like but because of their vocalist i just can’t get into them. musically i enjoy them but the lead singer’s vox just completely turns me off from them. but “sleater-kinney” came on next and they are just totally awesome and their set was a highlight of the show. at that point the most enjoyable thing. i didn’t stay the whole set though because sofia was looking for carpice and i went with her on the journey. we never did end up finding them.

after looking for a great while we just gave up and sat on the lawn. even though i had really really great seats i stayed on the lawn most of the night because everyone else i knew had lawn seats.

the first band on the main stage was a local band that won a battle of the bands or something so they could play the main stage. i thought they were so bad. it was just awful. i ended up taking a nap during their set. i was so hungry and tired and they were not engaging so i took a nap and slept thru their whole set. two songs was enough for me. i awoke from the cold of the wind just in time for “kasabian” to come on. “kasabian” was pretty cool sounding and i’d be interested to see them again, which i am going to do when they open for oasis in september.

when they ended it was jimmyeatworld up next. the band i bought my tickets for so i ran to my actual bought seat instead of the upper hippy lawn area which was cheaper and you just sat where you wanted. my seat was really close. it was the closest i’d ever been at the shoreline. it was the row behind the vip seats.

so jimmyeatworld came on and every bit of hunger, thirst, exhaustion, buyer’s remorse and every other niggling concern went away. it was so cool. i was really glad that everyone got into them. people danced. everywhere. everyone i knew in the lawn said they were dancing and everyone all around them was too. i was dancing in and out of my seat and all around me people did too. even the workers. all the security and waitresses and servers ; remember i’m by the vip’s ; were getting down and dancing as their performed their required tasks. it was cute.

i was so glad because i worried that i’d be the only one dancing and singing along but they really worked up the crowd well. i was so proud to see my favourite band winning people over and entertaining non-fans. it was a great way to celebrate my eighth time seeing them live.

after that was “social distortion”. i’m not the biggest fan of theirs but i really dig them and their music and thought they did a good job. i knew a lot of their songs but i’d never seen them live before. their cover of cash’s “ring of fire” was nicely done. it was good.

closing the show was the “foo fighters”. i think that they were the best band to close. they had the most songs that the largest amount of people knew. they are really rockin’ live and they are such a fun live band. they were funny and light and played hits and non-hits alike. really nice close to the show.

i was out of there as soon as possible because i was going to pass out if i didn’t get food in me. so i got home and ate. i ate a lot and it was good. overall i really enjoyed the show but i felt socially like a drifter as i said before. i don’t have that one friend, y’know? at the show or in general. i guess the closest thing to that was rosie but she’s gone. i hang out a lot but don’t have grounded close friends. it’s odd. i’d like one but it just has to happen i guess and all my friends are all great and nice even if it’s not very intimate.

i guess i just love having someone i can be real close to y’know? i miss that. i lived off it with elizabeth. with rosie it kept me sane and i needed it sometimes. even that one night with zuey where i just *had* this close wonderful thing that didn’t need to be stated. it was just mutual love and trust.

oh another thing about the show is i got all this peta2 stuff from dylan because his band is signed up for them. so they didn’t allow me to bring in any of that stuff. but i managed to sneak a whole bunch of stickers on me. i stuck them in toilette stalls and got workers and people i met to wear them. it was fun being a guerilla terrorist for peta.

so saturday i got up and my father came over with a new bed for my little brother. so we needed a frame so i helped him build it. it was neat working with drills and nails and such. i felt useful. i also lifted it into the house and all this stuff because my father was sick.

then he took our kid [my baby brother] and i to the cinemas. we went to this huge cineplex near us and it was cool. herr-geee-ggrr-grrrrr... i feel really crappy and short reviews coming on...

~~~mr. and mrs. smith~~~
i thought it was really cute. the mix of cool action sequences with the couples’ chatter was amusing. i don’t want to reveal anything but it was all very adorable.

if you are looking to be blown away you won’t be. it is simply a hollywood action flick but with the really romantic comedy plot conceit as the frame for the story.

if it sounds like something you might be interested in then go see it. you can surely enjoy yourself. i know that i did. for what it is i think that it is well done.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...then i ate a really yummy burrito. next we went to see robert rodriguez’s latest film. this one was made by a kid and his father who’s a child at heart for the kids but adults can get in on the fun too...

~~~t.a.o.sb.a.lg.i.3d~~~
i didn’t want to put the whole title up front but what i saw next was the adventures of shark boy & lava girl in 3-d. it was quite a mouthful so i decided not to put it all up there. but now for my commentary.

so this story is all about keeping your dreams alive. it was done in what i felt was a very sweet way. there were so many times when i felt a personal connection to the message and i was crying hard throughout the feature.

that said it is corny and full of corny lines and ideals and thoughts and sequences. what i find touching i know lots of my friends would just see as hackneyed. i saw a real youthful honesty and sincerity to it and loved it. the use of 3-d glasses was completely underutilized. if it wasn’t 3-d nothing would change. i’m not saying it wasn’t a thrill to watch something in 3-d but their weren’t any more then one or two sight gags to take advantage of it. the glowing vistas were nice though.

i would really like to suggest that everyone go see this but i know that it isn’t for everyone. you have to go into it without any cynicism. the story was conceived and developed by robert rodriguez’s son and it shows in the youthful nature of the entire affair but it is layered with good subtext and symbolism. i’m a fan. you should give it a try.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...then we went home. my dad got us japanese food and dropped us off at home. i had vegetables and soy sauce. i wish i got rice as well. oh well. i ended up getting sick from it. i hope their wasn’t secret something not vegan in it. i don’t think there was but i got a tummy ache.

i then stayed up all night watching all the special features from the clerks tenth anniversary dvd. i finally fell asleep at some point and i slept for a while. it was good i slept till eleven.

then i got dressed because my mum was taking our kid, my aunt, and myself to the cinema to go see the traveling pants film. i’d been wanting to see it ever since i saw the trailer for it as it looked so much like one of those “now and then” type coming of age flick that are so heavy-handed but that i absolutely adore.

i drove while my mum and aunt were chattering in the back. our kid came along to because he had nothing better to do but i was pretty this isn’t the type of thing he’d enjoy as a lamely stereotypical thirteen year old boy. oh well, i really wanted to see it and was excited to be getting to...

~the sisterhood of the traveling pants~
ok so first off this film is unabashedly a teen chick flick full of insanely cheesy moments. even though i fall for it every time i feel like every laugh, smile and tear is completely and overly formulated. i loved it though.

i thought it was so interesting and i really don’t know why but i just eat it all up like candy. all the issues and concerns i really care about what happens to all these characters. i cry when they cry, laugh when they laugh and smugly smile at the lame comments that make the other girls smugly smile.

i’m sure you’ll know what kind of feature this is by now and can decide if it’s something you are interested in. you will pretty much know how you feel about it based on the trailer. it is exactly what it seems like. i thought it was totally awesome. i also kill any cinema cred i’ve ever had.

another thing i have to mention is that alexis bledel is totally hot. i always thought that she was really attractive and such but as she gets older she just grows more and more beautiful. in this film she looks like my ideal girl. the pale skin, slender frame, dark hair and such are so my cliché idea of female beauty. it was unnerving how perfect she looked to me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...then i got home and eventually aaron called me. now we are back where we started. i guess i’ll end it here. take loads of care and i hope you are well. i love you and for some of you i am thinking about you right now and it makes me heart glad. see you soon, ta!!

jimmyeatworld
“big cars”
it's not a dream
watch your lips move but can't hear
i can see
everything else is unclear
camera's on
fixed on one face and on tears
what a scene
fly us in and you'll all cheer
if there's something wrong
you just press delete
your family can sleep well tonight
we're a long long way
until all the good names
for your big cars
will be used
i can't believe
there's so much love that we all share
so lie to me
all i know is i don't care
if there's something wrong
you just press delete
all the journalists say
we'll have time to eat
your family can sleep well tonight
we're a long long way
until all the good names
for your big cars
will be used

elise

2005-06-10T01:11:00.000-07:00

someone i don't know very well but want to might be sick. it sucks. i hope she is well but i'm sick and bummed and worried if she isn't. this doesn't have to make sense to anyone i just need to get it off my chest. i shouldn't be worried and a bunch of other things... eh. nevermind. i'm not going to write anything here. sorry i am suddenly feeling reserved. sorry. feel better elise. bye.

the cure
"a letter to elise"
oh elise it doesn't matter what you say
i just can't stay here every yesterday
like keep on acting out the same
the way we act out
every way to smile
forget
and make-believe we never needed
any more than this
any more than this
oh elise it doesn't matter what you do
i know i'll never really get inside of you
to make your eyes catch fire
the way they should
the way the blue could pull me in
if they only would
if they only would
at least i'd lose this sense of sensing something else
that hides away
from me and you
there're worlds to part
with aching looks and breaking hearts
and all the prayers your hands can make
oh i just take as much as you can throw
and then throw it all away
oh i throw it all away
like throwing faces at the sky
like throwing arms round
yesterday
i stood and stared
wide-eyed in front of you
and the face i saw looked back
the way i wanted to
but i just can't hold my tears away
the way you do
elise believe i never wanted this
i thought this time i'd keep all of my promises
i thought you were the girl i always dreamed about
but i let the dream go
and the promises broke
and the make-believe ran out...
so elise
it doesn't matter what you say
i just can't stay here every yesterday
like keep on acting out the same
the way we act out
every way to smile
forget
and make-believe we never needed
any more than this
any more than this
and every time i try to pick it up
like falling sand
as fast as i pick it up
it runs away through my clutching hands
but there's nothing else i can really do
there's nothing else i can really do
there's nothing else
i can really do
at all...

photo's and such

2005-06-10T00:12:00.000-07:00

listening to [and watching too] : mtv movie awards

i had the most bizzarre dream. my memory of it is fading away but let me tell you what i remember before it woke me up. ok so it started with this black girl. she was crushing on me bad and i seemed to be in a high school out of a nickelodeon cartoon.

so she is flirting with me and coming on way to strong. for instance one thing i remember is her sitting on me. totally too much. so i have this secret room/lab/closet thing that i hang out in and she comes in with me and we are talking. then i stop being the focus of the dream and my sight pans out to a crane shot of the outside of the school. and as it moved the entire scene changed till the school façade looked like it was decorated for halloween. it used a dissolve transition.

suddenly hanging out the window of the school were muppets and they were singing some muppet type song about it being halloween time. think jim henson and halloween and that’s exactly how the song is. while the song went on the view moved and finally settled on a gym next to the school. then it zoomed into the gym.

inside the black girl was talking about winning me over and using kelly osbourne to do it. she had kelly tied up in a chair with wheels. kelly was yelling to get out and she was telling her she had to be sacrificed for some reason.

so they get to my secret lab/office/cript thing and are still fighting when somehow kelly gets out and starts attacking the black girl. yelling at her and telling her she’s going to take her heart out. and then she claws with her hands and really viciously and grousomely does exactly that.

as that is going on i come in on kelly eating the bits of a vivsected dead black girl. i see it and kelly sees me and suddenly darts at me trying to claw my heart out and i am fighting and holding her arms but she is getting very close. all of a sudden she just begins to get me and right as she sinks her arm in and...

...overwhelming pain. so much so that i suddenly wake up. it was one of those dreams where i wake up because i’m in too much mental pain in a way that i feel it. sorta like “nightmare on elm street” without the death.

anyway so i’m lying on my bed and suddenly i hear a slurp/smacking sound... like a finger jamming itself thru a heart! it was actually my cat licking her lips but it spooked me anyway since i wasn’t facing her and she was inches from my head.

weird, right? so anyway this entry i really don’t have much to report on. so i’m just going to dump a bunch of photo’s i just scanned into my computer. err... i’m not sure what order to put them in so i’ll just put them in sets.

this coming set is all from this past monday. i wrote about how i played at a bar with my friends. remember? well anyway here are the photo’s...

i took my coat off for the second song

dylan at the piano looking morose-cute

cw took a picture of the attractive girl

cw screaming and me shredding behind him

wild&crazy guys ; dylan, jonathan and cw

me before i got to hot for the coat

mind your daughters, we’re on the prowl

two shots left on the film self portrait

finishing the roll in the toliet

...right. so that was a fun night. next up are two shots from the guitar final that rosie and i took for guitar class. i did “o girlfriend” by weezer and she did “hey jude” by the beatles. we both did ok but not at all the best that we could’ve done or are capable of...

rockin’ the eighties flashdance socks

she looks so little compared to everything

...so there we are. that was a few weeks ago. this picture is from the tenth of may which is even further back. it is of me with my favourite band in the world. or at least two of them. tom who plays guitar and rick who rick who plays bass. both the instruments i play! anyway so this was before a show when i was waiting to get in and they passed by and i asked them to stop by and take a photo with me. normally i’m not all fan-dork but i get that way around them. and they are so sweet and tom remembered me from before!! whee! anyway, on with the pic...

tom, jonathan and rick

...that was a good show. and i love that band. so these next ones are from my brother’s birthday party which was april tenth. so i guess there was an order to all this. it went from most recient back. i didn’t even try to do that, huh. oh well, so here are old photo’s from then...

i used to have long hair and a van dyke

my aunt, brother and some shaggy bloke

creeping up on a non-vegan cake

...i wonder how that cake tasted? it looked really good. the only thing that would have made it better would have been if it was an ice cream cake inside. mmm... anywhoo, so that’s it.

oh wait. i just remembered to talk about what i did all today. i went to dylan’s house and recorded music all day. it went terrible. i have a million songs pieces or ideas but nothing is gelling well in the studio. songs that sound ok live are coming off really cheap when i layer them and try to polish them up and make them sound good. after hours of work nothing sounds good. especially my vox. i sound terrible. i just need to keep at it i guess.

i guess i’m going to really go now. hope you’re having a nice whatever time of day it is when you’re watching this. reading it? doesn’t matter. so what does matter is i honestly hope you are well. i love you and hope to hear from you soon. if you are going to bfd today then hopefully i will see you. take loads of care of yourself, ta!!

travis
“sing”
Baby
you've been going so
crazy
Lately nothing seems to be going right
Solo
Why do you have to get so low?
You're so...
You've been waiting in the sun too long
If you sing
For the love you bring
won't mean a thing
Unless you sing
sing, sing, sing
Colder
Crying over your shoulder
Hold her
Tell her everything's gonna be fine
Surely
you've been going too early
Hurry
Cos no one's gonna be stopped
If you sing
For the love you bring
won't mean a thing
Unless you sing
sing, sing, sing
Baby there's something
going on today I say...
Nothing, nothing, nothing...
If you sing
For the love you bring
won't mean a thing
Unless you sing
sing, sing, sing

pub, pants and pizza

2005-06-07T20:08:00.000-07:00

listening to : “rent: original broadway cast recording”

so yesterday was just a monday. but it turned out to be a fun one. it started out kinda bad. i mean not really bad but i was cheesed off at aaron. well, before that i had a nice conversation with peggy. i hadn’t talked to her in so long. we had a nice talk and caught up quite a bit.

then aaron called me and told me that he wanted to come over or something and i said that was fine. i had plans but i figured that i’d be able to at some point. i know aaron is just using me to pass time when he’s bored but i accept it as it is.

but aaron called me and was asking all this stuff. so i say ok but let me know when because i have stuff to do with my mum. so he said he’d call me in an hour. he does and we’re talking and then his girlfriend gets home. all of a sudden he rudely just cuts me off and gets off the phone.

ok, so i guess he doesn’t need to use me anymore. but i wish he could at least tell me what’s going on. he just gets off and doesn’t tell me if i should wait for him to call back or what? he doesn’t do anything but be rude. so i call him back after a while because i have plans and i need to know if i’m working around them or not and he let it ring for nearly five minutes and then just hung up the line. if he was having sex or something i wish that’d he’d blow me off more clearly. so i got mad at him for being mean because his girlfriend got off work early even though *he* called me first.

anyway so i decided not to let it anger me and just let it go. i got a call from christina. she called saying that she was going to see star wars again and if i’d like to go. i would and i wanted to hang out with them for a bit so i did go.

we got to the film too early so we just hung out and talked for a while. it was cool. her sister was there too. her sister is jamie. i don’t think that she is in any of my diary entries. i missed her. we got along well and were friends. but after a while she never called me like she said she would. so we stopped talking. it’s been about two years, i think? something like that. anyway, so i would see her sister around and talk and we became friends because she was always nice and funny and seemed cool and we have a bunch in common.

i actually have a bunch in common with the both of them. jamie just doesn’t really try hanging out with people. but christina does and being friends with christina will probably make it that i’ll end up being friend’s with jamie as well. since they are no hard feelings between us.

so they really enjoyed star wars as well. it was cool to watch and talk about it with people who could appreciate as i do. so after that i went home. i talked with dylan on the phone.

i talked with him before i went to the cinemas as well about going to a bar to do an open mic. we could test out our songs in front of a live audience. so we decided to do dylan’s pub on nineteenth and folsom. i was set to play at ten and dylan was going to do ten-ten. so i was up first.

so talking to dylan this second time i found out that c.w. will be coming as well and the adolescent twins would do something for opening night. and we’d be getting together at eight.

so i forgot what i did but i kept busy till eight. oh yeah, i wrote a new song so that i’d have something new to perform. i rather like the song i wrote. it is about how deep space and deep seas are similar. my astrology/oceanography ditty. it is a faster paced song then i normally write.

anyway so dylan picked me up and off we went. i talked with c.w. about what songs we were going to do. we talked about it for a bit. so we get to this pub and it’s this really small corner hole in the wall pub but it has two amps in the corner near a fireplace. really cozy. i dug it.

so we watched a few people play before me. one guy was good but this one other guy was really bland and not good. so then i went on. this little pub was full of people. and all of them were talking louder to speak over me. it was odd because i’ve never played for people who were trying to avoid listening to me.

also because they were so many people but all talking loudly and the mics were to the side of me pumping out to the crowd so i couldn’t hear myself at all. i couldn’t tell if my guitar was being heard or my voice.

dylan said that you could hear it well and my voice sounded really good over the mic. i started off playing “for now or whenever” dylan said that he really likes the way it sounded. better then my other song. no one else besides c.w. seemed to be paying attention and i could even hear them talking while i was playing.

it was good practice. to play for people who don’t want to listen. to play when i can’t even hear myself. to try to win people over who wouldn’t care less about me. it was fun.

so then i played my new song, “zero-gee and under the sea”. that probably isn’t the real name of it but i just couldn’t think of one for it yet. i don’t know how it came out because i couldn’t hear anything. i messed up on the guitar a few times but i tried to play it off and since i couldn’t hear my guitar i don’t know if it worked.

after that i was taken home and i watched conan o’brien. it was good. old, but good. before that i talked on the phone with non-pacifica sarah. it was a cool conversation. nothing awkward or any of that. she couldn’t talk very long but i felt good about the talk we did have.

i had a lot of energy and i couldn’t sleep. eventually i did though. and then i woke up the next morning. which was today. tuesday. i thought today was wednesday all day until it got cleared up by my mum.

so i went to get pants with my mum. it was neat to get new pants. since i get my pants from the boys section they are so much cheaper. it’s odd. i looked at these pants i dug but they were twenty-five dollars but i went to the boys section and found pants that fit me loosely. but since they were in the boys section they were fifteen dollars. i wonder what the extra ten dollars goes into for adults.

ok. that’s all. i got a free pizza for my brother. we each got a pizza but i ordered mine without cheese. i made sure to mention it a number of times and they said it back to me so i was surprised it came the way it did. so i called them and they put me on with the manager and he said that he was sorry and to keep the pizza and he’d send me one with no cheese for no charge. so i guess my brother gets a free olive, mushroom and cheese pizza.

ok well, i’m finished for real. have a nice day/night. i wish you all well. life is beautiful, eh? all my love and i hope to see you soon. take care and good luck. sometimes everyone just needs something ; a hug, some kind of human contact or just to know that they are loved. i hope you know i love you, ta!!

[this is added after the initial posting. i forgot to add that after i got off dylan played and did really well. then this really cute girl came on and was really good. then it was the adolescent twins rocking on guitar. we did "death metal song" and i had fun shredding on the guitar i way i do with that song. then we played "better man" and dylan seemed to be enjoying it at least so that was good. and we ended with "i wanna eat your brains" our zombie audience partisapation song. it was catchy and well recieved as after we got off we could still hear people singing the chorus, or verse, well... the hook of the song.

it was a really cool experience and good learning/practice for me. i have pictures i took with a camera i had needed to finish. well, i'll talk more about that and hopefully scan in the pictures tomarrow. right now it's eleven thirty in the evening. so g'nite for real-real.]

eisley
“marvelous things”
i awoke the dawn
saw horses growing out the lawn
ah ah .....
i glimpsed a bat with butterfly wings
oh what marvelous things
ah ah....
dark night...
hold tight
and sleep tight
my baby
morning light...
shall burst bright
and keep us here safely
i followed a rabbit
through rows of mermaid entwined shrubbery
ah ah....
oh what marvelous things
but, they are, they are, they are
giving me the creeps
dark night...
hold tight
and sleep tight
my baby
morning light...
shall burst bright
and keep us here safely
oh...lying in the sun
everday feeling all of the magic in life
you might find the wonder.....
dark night...
hold tight
and sleep tight
my baby
morning light...
shall burst bright
and keep us here safely
morning light...
shall burst bright
and keep us here safely
ah ah.....

weekend wrap-up

2005-06-06T02:22:00.000-07:00

listening to : “reading, writing and arithmetic LP” by the sundays and “punch the clock LP” by elvis costello & the attractions

thursday i completely forgot about the band practice i was supposed to be having and simply went to the get up kids farewell show in san francisco. it was such a great show. it might be my favourite show i’ve ever gone to.

their are so many reasons why to gush but i simply am not in the mood to. it’s odd to write a entry when you’re not in the “talkative” mood. i’ve been like that for all of sunday. well, the first part. i’ve been exuasted. it caught up with me sunday. i went to church and it was hard to sing since i could barely stay awake.

i ended up leaving after communion. i was feeling ill. i went home to sit on my computer chair. my kitty came and hopped on my lap and i was petting her and she fell asleep. i was so comfy that i was falling asleep as well.

then sofia called me. we were going to hang out. i went to go hang out but my social ability was hindered by how tired i was. i couldn’t be clever for the life of me and during conversational lulls i’d nearly fall asleep.

so then i took her to work and i came home. on the way home i passed by peggy’s house and saw maddison. she looked lovely as always but she had a bar of metal going through the middle of her lower lip. it was new.

so i hadn’t seen peegy in a long time as well. she looked skinnier. perhaps from all the stress? it was cool to see her nonetheless but she was running out the door as i was passing thru so i only saw them for a moment.

once i got home i could barely keep my eyes open so i took a nap. it felt good to nap. i really needed sleep for whatever reason. then i was better. i got a whole bunch of porn from devin and i didn’t know what to do with it. but i found something.

so sarah left this jokish post on myspace saying she wanted porn and cigs because she’s turning eighteen. well i had this stack of about ten or so porn dvd’s so i figured as a gesture of good tidings and friendship i’d give it to her for her birthday.

so i picked up c.w. because i didn’t want to go alone and we drove to danielle’s house. i had a craving for redvines and dark chocolate. i bought some on friday when i was craving them but i left them in danielle’s car. so i picked them up.

armed with yummy candy we went to pacifica to go to her house. once there i gave her, her presents in front of her mum and dad. it was funny. her parents are still as nice as i remember them. she was so young when we last “hung out”. c.w. and i agreed that she’s really cute now. but we both also have this thing for jewish women. at least i do and he said he does now.

so we stayed there and talked about tranny’s and the past for a bit before i had to take c.w. home. so i dropped him off and came home as well. when i got home i made food and ate and also was messaging back and forth with this girl i know on myspace that i saw on friday.

wait... let me go back to friday. typically i am very concious of my time frames and being chronologically sound but this entry as i said before is rather lazily written. so friday.

i went to my little brother’s school concert. he plays trumpet in the school beginning band. just like i did when i was his age. it’s cute, the little copycat. so when i got there i saw this girl who i know from myspace as a friend of a friend. i didn’t recognise her completely and she wasn’t sure it was me so we didn’t know we were looking at each other until later.

the show was ok. much longer then i thought it would be. i really thought it’d be only an hour long like my mother said but it was more then two hours long. i honestly wouldn’t have gone if it wasn’t for my brother. while i was there i saw kendra. i was actually sitting next to her.

my mum made me video record my brother but i also have a lot of footage of jiggly arm fat. my brother’s music teacher had a dress with no sleeves on it and i was entranced by their wave-like movements. she’s a skinny broad but her arms just moved like double dutch jump ropes. it was hypnotising.

so after that i went out with sofia and caprice and later danielle and that’s when i got the candy for myself. see? the story is coming together. so we really did nothing. just hung out at a park and international house of pancakes. it was cold outside and i spilled a whole glass of ice water on myself at the diner so it was freezing there as well.

ok, jumping back to sunday night on myspace. messaging back and forth with the girl i saw but didn’t achknoledge. her name is isabella and i guess i should use proper names from here on out. so isabella was there because her brother is also a trumpet player in beginning band. small world huh?

i guess that’s all for now. nothing much to write about. nothing i’d want to reveal anyway. not yet. my mood is good. zuey is such a spectre. a lucky turn. since i’d never seen her but when i was feeling my worst and the person i was closest to was leaving me for the summer so everything seemed worse but she came and in one enchanted evening made everything better but then was gone and i haven’t heard from her since. perhaps she doesn’t exist? i just made her up because i needed her that night. there is truth in that comment but i’m not going to tell you everything. you’ll just have to decide for yourself what is being implied. heh. happy birthday sarah. well, take care. love you ; all my readers and otherwise, ta!!

elvis costello and the attractions
“secondary modern”
this must be the place
second place in the human race
down in the basement
now i know what he meant
secondary modern
but there must be a problem till the girls go home
this is the hand that you never shook
you never gave me the chance that i took
secondary modern
but there won't be a problem till the girls go home
is it out of the question
between you and me
is it pleasure or business
or a packet of three?
nobody makes me sad like you
now my whole world goes from blue to blue
secondary modern
but there won't be a problem till the girls go home...